Back to Life

Yay I'm back!!! I passed my qualifying exam so I get to stay in my program and I'm back to long hours in my professor's lab which means long hours without food in my face :)
So I good news and bad news. The good news is I didn't gain any weight in this time. The bad news is I didn't lose any weight in this time. Shame I know, but I would rather be in this situation than the bad end of the spectrum. Today I haven't eaten anything and it is about 3pm. Sadly I will probably be in this stupid lab until 7ish so no food until then. But by that point unless I'm basically dying I can't see myself eating. Especially when I can say I just went to one of the restaurants across the street and ate food and no one can argue with me.
Cals for today:
Strawberry/Pineapple "smoothie": 300 cals (it's just strawberry flavoring and pineapple and ice)
Water (1.5 L): 0
Brisk (1L): 210 ( I haven't had it yet but I bought it which means I'm gonna drink it)
Total: 510cals

If I can keep it to that I will be one super happy chica. I did calculations and if I wanna lose 80lbs by the time fall semester starts (late august), starting now I can have 1300 cals a day if I do moderate exercise 3-5 days a week. That seems completely attainable because I am not going anywhere near 1300 cals (fuck that shit) and I'll start working out as soon as classes end in may. I also calculated my chances if I don't do any exercise and that would require about 481 cals a day. So I'm on the right track because I am definitely gonna work out and not eat so I should make that goal. I will be 255 by the time school starts which is only 20lbs higher than I was when I started grad school. I looked adorable when I started grad school I was a size 14 on my way to a size 12. Memories. I'm tall so I pull off a size 14 very well. I obviously wanna be smaller than that but just to look like a normal girl and not a land whale would be welcome. I didn't get an internship this summer which means mucho lab work. I'm also going to try and get an on campus job as well so I can work at the dorm desks at night after I have already spent the day in the lab. That way I can work one or two shifts a day (two hour shifts) and go to sleep. Weekends I will do whatever, but I think it is super important that most of my time is occupied. The busier I am the less time I have to eat. And bonus I will get a little bit of extra money. We will see. If I don't get the job I'll just amuse myself with exercise and books. I have my ways.
Hopefully my roommate is super busy in the summer too because she tends to pay attention to when I don't eat or when I look skinnier. But whatever, YOLO.
We shall see where this adventure takes me, but I am so fucking sick of this shit. Like I had to go to a conference and let me tell you trying to find clothes that fit me properly was hell. Granted I went shopping while bloated because my period was coming but still! So annoying and everything was expensive and with every fitting room I felt like killing myself (note: i am not suicidal). It was so demoralizing. I had never felt so ugly in my life. I just wanted to go and sleep for a thousand years and never face the world again. I barely even took pictures at the conference because I felt like a blubberball. Why is fat so powerful? To be able to rob me of the chance to make memories and have things to show my children one day? Anyway gonna show you guys what I look like right now, 333lbs (*cries*) but I look alrightish.

The top one is what I look like now. The bottom one is what I looked like when I started grad school. Probably not the best comparison because I am sure there is a big difference if I had sideways facing pictures but I dont so *shrugs* You can see a big difference in my arms and hips and thighs. And my stomach. and my chest. For fucks sake you can see a difference everywhere. But yeah I want that back. That is my short term goal. I WILL REACH IT BEFORE FALL SEMESTER.

XOXO,

Scarlet

Missing

Hey sorry I'm gonna be pretty busy up until middle of march. Life defining exams and midterms. I'll try to update as much as I can.

Metamorphosis

This is gonna be short...thanks for all the support on my last post. It's honestly so hard dealing with everything in my life and sometimes I feel like it's crushing me. I think about my past, present, and likely future and see a lot of the same problems looming. However if I never either accept them or deal with them they will actually crush me. I think that is the main reason my weight has always been crazy because I have no idea how to cope with problems that are permanent. I have to accept that my parents will always find something wrong with me. Skinny or whatever there will be something and I have no control over that. I am not the favorite child, I am simply the more successful, and instead of trying to get a title I deserve like "favorite" or "best child" I should strive for  my own acceptance, meeting my standards, and what I want for my life. "Best Scarlet" sounds like a good one to aim for. I have to grow up and know that everything will not go my way. I am tired of sitting up at least one night of every semester of grad school crying about how my life sucks and how much stress I am under, comparing myself to others, and allowing myself to be berated and tortured by my parents ideals and other silliness they have filled my life with. They are good parents in the sense that they never abused me, gave me a good home, provided love and affection, and listened to the problems I chose to tell them about. Where they fail is that they can't see the effect they have on their daughter, they don't realize that everything they say I take to heart because I have been so dependent on them for so long. But like I said, it's time to grow up.

If I want to get skinny I am going to have to work for it. No whining, no compromises. Just willpower. I have an 800 cal a day limit. No matter what. I will try to integrate exercise 3-4 times a week. Just that simple. I could be down 50 lbs by the time the formal in april comes around. Keep going and I can be pretty damned skinny by the time school starts again in august. Just have to stick to it and use my time productively rather than sitting around fixating on what I'm eating. Just eat when I'm hungry (empty tummy growling hungry), count my calories, drink my water and get back to life. I have to be better, stronger. I have to adapt. I need to evolve.

This is Scarlet 2.0.

Meh

Hola,

My intake was not the best these past few days unfortunately, but I'm still down about half a pound, so I've got that going for me. I've been hungry all the time. Like ALL THE TIME. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to start my period soon so that is probably the reason. I would know exactly when I'm supposed to start but my stupid doctor wound up making me miss a month of birth control because she wouldn't refill my prescription until I had an appointment. Sigh.

Also I know you guys were asking about my parents liquid fast. Honestly I had no real idea what they were doing since I hadn't been home in a while. But when I saw them they didn't look much skinnier and I was totally confused since I know if I stop eating solids for 45 days I would shrink super fast. It turns out they are just blending stuff? Like they were buying beans and pita chips, and when I gave them that WTF face they were all oh we just put them in the blender and then drink it. Yes, you read that right. Put can of beans and a bunch of pita chips in a blender and drink it. Voila liquids! No. No. No. If I put a pizza in a blender and drink it that doesn't make it a liquid. Honestly they would be better off just eating whatever they are blending normally. And to think they almost made me feel bad for not being on their diet with them even though "I need it." On top of that my mom didn't even agree with me that my friend was being a jerk when she commented on my weight. She told me that "perhaps she was trying to be a friend and it's just a touchy subject with you. Your weight has gone up in jumps in between the times she sees you so maybe it scared her and this was her way of getting you to slow down." WAT. Is she fucking kidding me? It's shit like this. This is why I have an eating disorder (weight up or down my relationship with food is not normal). Because anyone can step all over me and treat me like dirt because I'm fat. It's acceptable. I don't get back up on anything ever. I'm never good enough no matter what I do as long as I am fat I am sub-human.  They even said something along these lines when I was early into my relationship with my boyfriend. His ex is a 3rd year in my major and I happen to be her TA from time to time because I'm a PhD Candidate. I'm her age, probably a couple of months younger actually, and I'm way prettier and well liked. When I was comparing myself to her in a conversation with my parents, they said yeah I have all this stuff that I'm better than her at, but even so she can still talk about me to people and call me fat. And people will giggle with her because she is slim. WAT. That is always my reaction. They even said my roommate (who is my friend and genuinely nice) probably talks about me with her mom about how fat I am since my roommate is a stick (she honestly is. So tiny, but she hates it). WAT. So now you know where all of my anxiety about weight and success comes from. I hope they don't lose a single pound on their stupid diets.

In the arena of my boyfriend and FWB thing...well my boyfriend and I stopped having sex. I should explain. I didn't mention it before but my boyfriend has recently (like last semester) developed this problem...with his dick. Like he can get it up once, do it, and then it's dead forever. Won't get hard again just kaput. This is of course different from what I'm used to as the semester before this happened we could do it like 3 times a night, every night of the week almost. It's driving me nuts and I picked not having sex at all over this really sad disappointing sex. I love sex. I do. So I will climb the walls if I don't have sex but I will climb the walls more if I have it and it just isn't enough. The problem with this is that I think my FWB can tell that I am starting to climb the walls. And I am not good once I get all hot and bothered, but I REFUSE to cheat. Like actually cheat. As in have sex cheat. I just can't, that is not the person I am. I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind especially lately because  I saw my FWB's dick. It's beautiful. bigger than my boyfriend's, and it looks like rainbows will come out of it if I do my FWB. But I won't. Even though I did cry after I made the decision not to have sex anymore. The only real saving grace I have is that I am not a cheater. I may be many things but I am not and will not be that. The terrible thing is I feel like my bf and I will break up soon. I adore him but he is changing in weird ways.  Like today there is this freshman in our organization (on campus club thing) and he has a crush on me. It's adorable and no I'm not acting on it in anyway. Anywho, this kid was all starry eyed today and talking about if I were to call him he would answer immediately and without hesitation over anyone else calling him. And my loving bf says OUTLOUD IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING that the kid only feels that way because I have big boobs. WAT. Then later we were eating lunch and my bf tells me that the kid is at the time in his life where his hormones are flinging everywhere and he's sure all of this is just a phase. WAT. So I'm big boobs and a phase. It couldn't possibly be that I am a nice person, and funny, and pretty, with a winning personality, nope only boobs. And no one could possibly really like me it must be a phase. Honestly, everyone who has ever liked me still likes me. Once you have a crush on me it lasts forever. My ex only dated me for 6 weeks before I broke up with him and more than a year later he is still trying to get with me. My FWB has liked me for 2 years and counting. There are a bunch of other people but honestly, people like me forever. I'm always the one that got away. So yeah my bf pissed me off with that. If he keeps going in this jerky direction changes will be made. I adore him but I won't take being with him if he turns into a jerk because his dick won't work.

TL;DR: My parents think I'll never be good enough because I'm fat, even though their liquid fast is a total lie; I am climbing the walls because my boyfriend's dick stopped working; my FWB wants to do me and has the right equipment to do it and I can't touch him because I'm not a cheater; I have to fight ravenous hunger because I'm a girl and the red wedding is coming, but I've lost half a pound so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

XOXO,

Scarlet

Spring Back

Hola!

So by valentine's day morning I was down to 327.4, so down 2.6 lbs which I think is decent. I tried not to go crazy on valentines day, but I expected to go over my cals. My boyfriend was amazing, he bought me a rose and one of those reese's heart (the big one, I love reeses) along with a 4ft teddy bear and a sterling silver black and white diamond pendant. Then at night he took me to this  really nice italian restaurant. Oh gosh I love him so much. I didn't weigh yesterday because I felt like it might have ruined my mood if the number was too high. Contrary to popular belief, it is fully possible to learn from mistakes and I know from before that high numbers=sad scarlet=not caring. This time around is all about progress so I didn't weigh and I ate pretty conservatively. I had like a sandwich (170cals) and snacked on sugar free jello and light popcorn (200 max? popcorn is 35 cals a cup and the jello was maybe 20 or 50? if that?) until I made dinner which I tried to make an asian dish that just turned into shrimp and broccoli with rice and I didn't eat the rice really (300? 400?) definitely under 800 for the day. 

I made the choice to weigh in today because really what I ate for vday wasn't that bad and yesterdays food was really good, and any remaining calories should have been burned off by sex. I'm back to 327.4! :) so I only lost one day which makes me crazy happy, now I can just keep moving forward without any setbacks. 

Today I am going home for bible study with my parents. I'm not worried about food because as you may remember I accidentally gave my parents disordered habits. They are currently 45 days into a liquid fast. 45 out of 100. Yeah so no worries about food there, the only thing i have to worry about is feeling like a total weakling next to them. I chalk it up to fasting for me leads to binging and I have to actually study for school and stuff and they have nothing to do. I already ate lunch so I should be fine. I'm only at 400 cals exactly. I might pack some crystal light and that will last me until probably 9pm (it's 1:30 now). 

Comment answers!

Sam: Haha I have never been a breakfast person. I don't like waking up early (unless I have to for class) and by the time I get around to eating it is always noon or later so bfast doesn't exist for me lol

XOXO,

Scarlet ^_^

Change is Good

I feel amazing.

790 is the number for the day, and I just feel so damn good about it. I was running on 260 cals until about 8pm, when i had dinner. I didn't eat breakfast (always goes without saying, I love sleep way too much), and lunch was a turkey burger (no bread, just some mustard) and two cups of broccoli. For dinner I had a turkey sandwich, a gogurt, and a can of pineapple. So not bad I guess. I was going to go for only 500 cals today but I told my boyfriend and he tried to get me up to 1000 and I had a giant headache anyway so I just was like whatever.

Nothing much happened today, haven't talked to my friend yet and I'm all looking forward to tomorrow. VDAYYYYY <3 p="">
Happy Valentine's Day girls (and guys)

Scarlet
PS: Thanks for all the support!! :)

Triggered.

Hey there.

It's been a while, with good reason. I missed you guys like crazy, but I figured delving back into this world would lead me down those dark roads again. Staying away made me fat. Those days when I was eating too much under the guise of "making myself better." Fool. So now since I've ballooned up to heavier than I've ever been, I'm trying to lose weight. I was doing it healthy. Still. Trying. That. Bullshit. But it was working. EXTREMELY SLOWLY, but working(ish). Maybe 5 lbs, which is a breath on my giant fat ass.  There was a beautiful time when I was just under 200 lbs and hating myself. Now I am 330 and hating myself more. Yeah I know read that number back. That's about 100lbs in two years. FUCK. ME.

So anyways, surprisingly that was not my trigger. That blob in the mirror actually didn't make me want to stop eating. Mostly due to my amazing boyfriend. And my guy friend who keeps making out with me. Don't judge, I never said I was perfect, but I'll explain that part of my life later. No my trigger was my best friend. An off handed seemingly innocuous comment. "You look like you've gained weight since I last saw you." My roommate has a shit ton of pastries out, I'm not eating them and they are hers not mine, but when my bestie saw it "Whoa look at all these snacks, god is this your diet?" BOOM. The wind went out of my chest. I forced a smile as I explained the goods weren't mine. An uncomfortable giggle while I said I've lost some weight since she last saw me haha very fucking fun times. But inside my heart was twisting, I could almost feel physical pain. I was so angry but I said nothing. I smiled and put on a show, but inside I was dying. She left shortly after but the damage was done. I had already internally tabulated my food for the day. Fruit, tea, chicken, and a cake (yeah I know but it was small). 1500 cals if I over estimate? That should be good. Drop it to 500 tomorrow. I can do this. Before I knew it my brain had fully switched over. It was terrifying. I was that close to the edge for all this trying. I could've just been skinny by now. Damn.

So I get to be accountable again. Super counting calories. Yay. I'm not happy but it's better than the alternative. And thanks to bestie these thoughts aren't gonna go away so I might as well act on them.

As for life....My boyfriend is amazing. But he's not aggressive and I feel like a guy initiating things all the time. I thought maybe he just didn't want me, but I recently talked about breaking up and he almost cried telling me how much he loved me and just wanted to stay together and marry me one day. So, yeah. The problem is I like feeling like a girl and my friend reaaaaaaally likes me. But he's graduating this semester so it's not like we can get together (not that I would) so we decided to do that FWB thing. He's so aggressive and it feels so good to be wanted. Like without me bringing it up wanted. Just the fact that I am there type of wanted. When I make out with you and your dick is harder than the rock of gibraltar wanted. So that is why that is happening. I'm not sleeping with him and don't plan on it and have informed him of such so it's fine whatever, I'm not a poster girl role model.

So yay starving and triggers and boys and school stress and exams and bullshit. I promise to be happier next time, but honestly I did miss you guys.
XOXO