Sunday, February 24, 2013


Hey guys,

Sorry I disappeared, I've been so busy lately studying for this stupid qualifying exam and lost track of the weeks. Before I knew it I looked up and it was the end of february. My body is being stupid. I'm still not losing weight. Which means my method is ineffective. Therefore it must change.
It might just be all the stress, I have read that too much stress can keep weight right where it is but I don't have time to contemplate all of that. I need all of this stupidness to end. It could also be my chronic lack of water. I like barely drink any at all and I know that's really bad. That could be the only explaination that makes any sense at all. But I've been worn down. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting a battle that seems like it goes on forever. I'm tired of pushing and not getting anything.
I'm tired.
But unstoppable.
I'll just be better.
Quitting is never an option because we all know where that road leads.
So I may sit here and bitch about it, but we all know I'm just gonna keep going, no matter what.
Therefore I need a new plan. Well, don't worry this one is simple. I'm not going to eat.
I tried to be nice. One meal a day obviously isn't working. And when I say one meal a day I am not BSing you. I don't eat breakfast because I like sleep, I don't eat lunch because it's a stupid meal that doesn't matter.  So you know what? Fuck all the meals. Water will do me fine.
The only caveat is my boyfriend. Oh yeah, I have a boyfriend now. And no, he's not my ex. He's a guy that I met over winter break that I thought was a total creeper, but it turned out he's the one person that has every truly understood me. Like he's so amazing, and I'm pretty sure I love him. We've been together since the 21 of January. It's weird because he used to be really fat too (his parents showed me pictures he was really big) and he lost weight. His eating habits are almost as weird as mine. Like he'll get a footlong sub and split it up into breakfast, lunch, dinner, and random snack. I'm not kidding. He's alot smaller now, just a normal sized guy. I've told him things I haven't even told my parents, like how I only eat once a day. He doesn't like it, but only because he says it's destroying my metabolism. He basically told me I could eat what I do now but eat it at different times in the day (like him, lol). I mean I somehow stumbled onto someone who doesn't even want me to eat more like seriously? I also told him  about my starving/bulimic phase. He didn't freak out. He didn't run away. He didn't judge me. You know what he told me? "We all have flaws, some of us are better at hiding them than others. It's not like this is going to change how I see you. You're still beautiful, you're still weird and awesome." I'm a lucky girl.
Sadly, I am gonna have to lie to him. I'm not going to the caf. Not this week for sure. He doesn't go to the caf so he won't know. Maybe I won't lie per se, I'll just not talk about it, and if he asks if I want him to get me anything later on I'll just say I'm not hungry. Yup, that'll work. Hopefully.
Honestly, all of this talking about it with him flicked my switch. I have never wanted to fast more in my life.
Mina: ^_^ darling how have you been? and eh, honestly I'm back to my high weight which is depressing, but on the brightside I only went up like one dress size from my low weight. *shrugs*
Sam and Onyx: You guys are amazing, I just want you to know that :)
Here we go again,
Scarlet ^_^