Saturday, February 27, 2010

A Is For Action

Hmmm, just realized that people might think of A when they read that...oh well. Anyway, my depression didn't last long. I am a naturally happy person so I never stay sad for too long. My motivation normally comes from things I want. Anyway, I made it to the 20hr mark before I felt a lift in mood. Then by the time I went to bed I was really happy. Today was bad, food wise. My parents and I went to a buffet. Gah. I ate so much I thought I was going to spontaneously combust on the way home. But I'm gonna fix it. I'm about to drink a ton of prune juice ( nice and warm!) And then fast tomorrow and try to workout everyday of this next week. I have been pretty good on my food intake (okay when I am not stuffing myself into oblivion) but I am not doing as well as I could. Sooo this week starts some further control. Gotta be good.
Also, I have noticed something pretty damnned amazing: you wouldn't believe how many people talk to me now compared to this time last year. Last year the only people I talked to were MK (she's polish and a scorpio like me) and BK (korean and pretty awesome). That was it. Oh and JH who is just an ass as you all know. Then fall came around, I had lost about thirty pounds and I added C and EK (damn, I am realizing a lot of my friends have second initial K), even though I am now really pissed at EK. This semester? I lost approximately twenty more and now I have A, SC, M, and MF (I swear those are his initials I did not make them up, he's my other lab partner), and J (who's chinese and in my physics class). So that's what, seven extra friends over the course of fifty pounds. Interesting. Just something I noticed.
I decided to read some horoscopes today and they said that pisces (read: A. Also M, but this doesn't pertain to him really) are very mallable to others feelings and ideas. Soooo if he told someone that he likes me, they might have said that he might potentially run into problems later down the road (which is true. He's arab and I am black and my mom is continuosly reminding me that I have to marry someone christian. So that pretty much means if A isn't christian or agnostic that can be swayed to christian we'd be done. And I have no idea what he is. I'm not going to assume muslim because that's kinda racist and also he's a pure american boy so he might not be. Okay back to the blog!). If that is the case then that would explain why he stopped cold turkey and was acting so weird. So I'm not giving up. The horoscope said we'd be good together (not that I put all faith in astrology, haha), so I am going to keep trying. I mean I already know what could happen. There's no element of surprise anymore, so I can see what happens!
Also, I just found out M's bday is wednesday which is totally freaking me out because he and A were born in the same year and like a week apart. Hahaha. And I'm pretty sure M likes me and A is on the shaky side. A is adorable and M not so much. Oh the irony. Not that I'm going to treat M badly. I think he's a nice guy. I'll find a way to gear it towards friendship and not beyond (not that I am superficial or anything. Okay maybe a little)
So that is the run down for the week, thank you guys for the sweet comments!!!! You made me über (say it with the accent!) Happy!!!!!
Okay love you guys!
Scarlet <3<3

Friday, February 26, 2010

How Could An Angel Break My Heart

Well, what can I say, when the bottom falls out, I fall in. A didn't friend me on FB. I saw him last night in recitation and he didn't say anything about it. He didn't show up to the actual physics class though, so I tried to be kind of friendly and jokey even though I felt like he'd smattered my heart on the ground.
"Oh you know he covered like three chapters in class today," my professor normally makes it through half a chapter per class. Seriously, it was so obvious I was kidding (read: lying).
"Really? But I thought he was just going to cover the other half of resistors. You know, I wasn't in class today."
"Yes, I know," I had a slight, very slight snap to my voice. I was trying to control it, but I get really bitchy when I'm angry. " I'm joking, you're too serious!" I said in a light voice, which got a small laugh out of him. It didn't seem worth it. Then we talked about what we really did cover in class.
"We covered Resistors and, um, um, what was it?" And I am sitting up there thinking when SC comes out. I don't think I told you guys about SC. You remeber guy from orgo? Well, his name was C, but he was Irish. SC has the same name, but he's scottish. So SC is short for Scottish C. Btw, SC is fucking gorgeous. Just thought I'd tell you. And he's *another* one of my lab partners.
"SC, what was the other thing we went over in class today other than resistors?"
(In his accent)
"Um, idk, I was sleep most of the time." I wound up looking at my notes and telling A that the other thing was DC current. Then we all parted ways, pretty much. A went to the library, and SC and I went towards the back of the building where my dad was waiting to pick me up. I was smiling, but I was salty inside.
I wanted A. He's my type. He's cute but people might overlook him. He's this poetic and lyrical person, but somehow he's so charismatic. He's cool, but he's a total nerd at heart. I just thought everything was going so well.
SC is strikingly and amazingly gorgeous. And he's pretty cool. And he talks to me, but idk, I want him as a friend. Honestly.
Also, I basically got asked out to study dates from this guy who's in my physical chem and my fluid mechanics. His name is M and he's cool too. I mean, he's the consummate guy friend type though. He's not the guy you look at and think "ooh he's cute". He's okay. But I'm not thinking of him romantically.
I'm sooo depressed. Last night I felt like A had scooped out my heart with a spoon. I felt emotionally. Empty and all I had was sadness. I ate a half a bag of fritos flavor twists (I hate fritos!) And I stole a half a bottle of chardonnay and mixed it with a 1L bottle of orange juice. Oh yeah, this girl knows how to have a good time. I just wanted to fill the void. But I made it bigger, because my emotions came rushing to the surface. I cried. I talked to myself, analyzing A. I cursed A LOT. And then I fell into a rock like sleep. No hangover though, just kind of sleepy. So now I'm working to fill the void another way: with a different type of emptiness that will distract me from the real one. Yep, you guessed it: a depression fast starts today! (Feigning happiness) and it goes until monday (I have a midterm) or until something makes me happy. I don't even know if I'd be happy if A friended me on FB today, but idk, it prolly won't even happen.
Whatever. He hurt me. He made me sad. But as long as I'm starving, it doesn't seem all that bad. I want a different type of emptiness.
Scarlet <3

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

And The Verdict Is...

Guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty, GUILTY. I like that word. I also hate it, because I hate being it.
Well, I made it until 5pm without food yesterday. I had about 280 cals of crackers and an apple. I did not work out. Sorry. Today was not that great. I mean, it wasn't earth-shattering, no binges or anything. But guilt was definetly present. I started off with a tabbouleh (veggies and bulgar basically) pita. It was good. Then I had some pop chips (I swear I gave a third of the bag to my mom though), and I was happy. Mostly because I felt I'd done better than my dad (I'm competitive, so sue me), who had pop chips and a blondie (a white fudge brownie). Something else too but I didn't see what it was. Then we dropped my mom off at work and my dad wanted to go to Whole Foods. That was where the trouble was. He goes to the canned fruit isle and gets some stuff. Fine. Then he went to seafood and got some cocktail shrimp. Fine, this doesn't phase me. Then, THEN he goes to bakery. Shit. He proceeds to get a huge slab of carrot cake. With cream cheese icing. Shit, shit, shit. All my wires are firing. I want something sweet. I don't want to get fat. I see A tomorrow. But thinking of A didn't completely save me this time. I made a trade off. I said: okay you can get something, but you must do the elliptical for like 90 mins. I got two muffins. A chocolate and a lemon poppyseed. I ate them (well I gave an eighth of the lemon to my dad). I felt okay after mental calculation of cals for the day (about 1500). I figured after exercise that would drop to about idk, 500? Then I got home late and had t do some stuff and I was all: I should get a head start on my school, I don't have time to work out. Then there was a second me in my head. Let's call her, hmm, Emma ( I like the name).
Emma: you bitch.
Me: whaaat???
E: you lied to me. Oh let me eat this, I won't let you get fat!
Me:, what the hell are you talking about?
E: you really hate me. You don't want me to get skinny, you want me trapped forever inside your squishy body. You don't want me to be happy. You don't want me to get A. You want me to be a sad loser. You don't want to work for it. That physics lab is easy as hell. You don't care about that shit. You're just lazy and hateful.
Me: *realizes this is good skinny me* I'm sorry! I just, I don't have time! I don't hate you! I love you! Shit I mean you're me! I love me!
E: correction, I COULD be you. But not if you keep screwing me over in our deals. I'll just stop making them with you and let you get fat.
Me: but then you'd get fat, you wouldn't do that.
E: I would get my rocks off tormenting you, so I totally would do that. Can you feel them?
Me: feel what?
E: the calories, spreading swiftly to your hips and ass.
Me: * unconsciously inspecting myself* umm, no?
E: of course not, but you'll see it in the morning when you look gross for your gluttony. Tsk, tsk, I knew you'd never make it.
Me: *getting angry and also feeling guilty* fuck off. I'll show you. I CAN make it. I WILL make it. I'll get everything I want in life. Starting with my workout.
Before I knew it I was changed into workout gear and on my way to my elliptical. I'm about 65mins in right now.
Also, A hasn't friended me yet, but I'm not panicking about it. It's not like I told him to friend me. He brought it up so I'm not going to stress. He'll do it. I'll see him tomorrow so it's all good.
Okay, I am off to finish my workout.
GTMS-Becca: haha, it is exciting. All I have to do is work on keeping momentum going. With everything. Starving, A, the whole gambit. :)
Charlie: LMAO, flirting queen, haha. Thanks for the encouragement.
Emily: I give you full credit!! The reward is...( Turns mysteriously)...a hug! *gives hug* thanks for the congrats!
Jen: ooohhh, I'm gonna get you now, lol. :) don't be mad, get even!!! Ah but thanks for the proudness babe. I know if I make you proud I'm doing something right! Xxxx
Hello new follower!
Scarlet <3<3

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A Cause De Garçons

Haha, love that song, it's by Yelle. It's all about the crazy things we girls will do for a boy. Well, I starved for mine!
Yesterday went awesome! I did not eat (I mainly subsided on hot chocolate) and my total cals was like 470. I worked out on my elliptical for 75mins, which should've been about 1000cals zapped. I took my laxi tea (which tastes horrible, and really doesn't work all that well anymore but whatever), and now I feel victorious! I STILL have not eaten anything as of this post. Idk about later, but food is not that interesting to me right now. It's amazing what a little motivation will do to your willpower.
Sooo, I should get to talking about that lovely motivation, which has manifested itself in A. I saw him today, my plan didn't go exactly as planned, but the main things did (I didn't get to say this totally awesome thing I'd planned!).
Okay, here it goes:
Firstly, he showed up to physics a bit late, so all I got to do was wave. And he waved back which was cool. Then I hauled ass out of the class (he always beats me out) so that I could catch up with him at the exit of the building. I thought I had a good lead on him so I stopped to put on my hat and stuff and I totally missed him. He walked right by. I was like SHIT! I didn't want to look desperate, so I was going to just give up, but after going way away from him I said, fuck it, how bad do you want him? You just fasted and busted your ass to look pretty for his bday and have an encounter and you're going to let it go cause you don't feel like catching up with him? It's a workout, go haul ass and catch him! So I speed walked and followed him into this building we have on campus that has an einstien bros. Bagels store in it (I'd tell you the name of the building but then someone would know who I am, sorry). I didn't see him. I was sad and feelin' low...until I saw him in line to get a bagel!!!!! Hooray for food! It IS good for something! He didn't see me though, again. He was just about to leave when I decided to stop being a wimp:
Me: Hey, A!
(He turns)
A: hey!
And then we go into how the physics class was hard today and oh did you start the lab report (both of us said no, we're lazy, haha). Then I finally got out of him that it was his bday so he's going home after his next class.
Me: oh, happy birthday!
A: thanks
Me: so you know what you have to do on your birthday right?
A: what?
Me: you have to take a compulsatory photo!
(Okay, I meant to say picture, but the spiffy "photo" popped out. Meh.)
A: oh I will when I get home
Me: no seriously, you can do it now! (I start to take out camera)
A: wait, you want to take a picture of me?
Me: yeah, why not?
A: okay (laughs)
Me: okay smile!
(He still has his retainer)
A: ah, my smile is messed up!
Me: okay, you can half smile then (with a big grin of my own)
A: (smiles with mouth closed, then laughs again, and then smiles with mouth closed again)
Me: ( I take the picture) you wanna see it?
A: yeah, (I show him) awesome. Hey do you have a facebook?
Me: (I am FLYING) yeahn I do
A: I'm sorry, what's your name again, I know it's scarlet something (smiles. I told him my full name during our first lab)
Me: oh, scarlet (my last name). My facebook is literally last name)
A: okay, I'm gonna look you up. I gotta go so I'll see you later.
Me: bye!
Haha I am swooning with happiness by this point. That and the fact that I haven't eaten in a day and a half, man I could ptfo!! Haha, thank goodness I didn't though, too much happy energy!
A looks super cute on his pic too. Wish I could show you guys. Okay, maybe if he winds up being my BF.
So that is my life which is seemingly coming up roses. As long as I keep starving, getting good grades, and getting closer to A, I am happy and don't give a damn what the scale says, because I know one day I'll look in the mirror and won't recognize the gorgeous girl with the adorable boyfriend and a straight 4.0 who'll be staring back at me.
Holly: aww thanks for the encouragement hun! I hate my sis in law but at least I'm way thinner (also smarter)! ;P
GTMS-Becca: it's nice to know I'm not the only one with evil sis in laws! Haha, just wait your sis in law will keel over when you look all skinny and amazing! I know how you feel about the gym, it's totally intimidating to work out around other people, and also, at home no one looks at you funny for doing a marathon workout session!
Scarlet <3<3
PS: "you like apples? Well I got his picture and he gonna look me up on facebook. How you like them apples?"
Bonus love if you know what the real line is and what movie it came from! (Hint: think early Matt Damon)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Flirty Girls Get What They Want!

Okay i know i blinked off the face of the earth for a while (sorry!) but i was busy, busy, busy! firstly, i did not weigh on friday because i was getting up at 5AM and out the house by 6AM. i only had two hours of sleep and was barely coherent. so i'll just weigh another time.
My Vacation is going sooooo well. i mean, my sis in law is even more of a bitch in person than on the phone! when she saw me (keep in mind this is our first time meeting in person), this was the convo:
Me: Hey!
Her: Hi (and then to my bro), She's not that big, she's smaller than me!
I coulda floored that bitch. like immediately. but i just smiled and rested in the fact that MY stomach was flat, and hers was all big, round, squishy, and flabby! bitch. sorry for the language. anyway, my nieces and nephews are ADORABLE. i am totally in love with them. i can't wait to see them in June when my bro and evil girl will come to see us.
My food intake has not been good. i'm not gonna lie. but i'm going to  do a laxi tea, fast for one day, and work out for two hours on my elliptical on monday. so i can be thin tuesday, which is A's bday. he turns 20!
okay, now for info on A!
Well, i didn't totally get to flirt according to plan, but like i think he likes me! okay, he just got his braces off so he's wearing a retainer now. this is important info as he has a hard time talking with the retainer. his words are a bit blocked off. but he articulated every single word he said to me perfectly. everyone else just had to work to figure out what he was saying, but not me! and also, he was totally staring at my mouth while i was talking. i know this because he was all: Did you ever have braces? and i'm all: no, why? him: oh, it's just you have really straight teeth. me: oh, well, thank you (smile). I mean i know he had braces and everything, but staring at someone's teeth is a weird thing to do. but it could be that he was paranoid because he was staring at me. hard.
also, he was complimenting me all about my graphs for the lab (which totally were crooked. he was blatantly lying ^_^) and when my other lab partner was talking about this program at my college, A was all: you should join that, 'cause you're smart. (this is all while staring dead at me)
it was pretty awesome. i am so stoked for tuesday because i am gonna take his picture with my new camera. he knew all about my vacay, so i'm gonna go over and talk to him and hopefully he'll ask about the pics, to which i will direct him to my facebook (he'll have to friend me!). then i'm gonna tell him that on birthdays you have to take a compulsory picture! it should work and then i'm gonna do something a bit wild that i'll tell you about if i get to pull it off.
normally my mom doesn't like the guys i like. she never thinks they're that cute and that i am a bit offbase. but i showed here A's pics on his flickr (yeah, i know, cyber stalkage), and she was all: he's really cute! i practically did a backflip. now she's gonna help me out with my flirting (a little). so i am excited!
Avy, proanabella_xx, and the little flower: Thank you so much for your good luck wishes on the flirting! you guys are awesome!
GTMS-Becca: Well, thank you very much! i got my elliptical used, but they sell the same brand online at walmart for $200. hope that helps! <3
Jenny: Awww thanks hun! You should totally flirt with your guy!!!!! and i am so happy my posts make you happy! When you're happy i am happy!
Okay guys, i gotta go pack and such so i can leave early in the morning!
Scarlet <3<3

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Believe Achieve

Haha, has anyone heard that CSS song? It's totally awesome! It's a super workout song. That and their song "left behind"!
Anyway, we return to your regularly scheduled blog. Soooo big stuff happened yesterday. I got my elliptical!!!!!!!!!!! Woowowoowowoowooo! (Is that a sound? Haha)
I haven't moved it to the basement yet but it is totes amazing. I got it for $150 and it is very sturdy and should give me an awesome workout. I'm so excited!
Also I leave to see my bro tomorrow (leaving at 5am!) So that's cool. Even though this means I won't be able to use my elliptical until monday >.<
In other news I am going to flirt with A today. I am so sick of always running scared of guys (which has gotten me *nowhere*) so I am going to try to flirt a little. However, my flirtingness kinda depends on what he says. What I want him to say would lead to a cute and flirty comment. But we'll see. God I can't believe I'm *planning* on flirting with someone, haha.
Oh my food intake was pretty good yesterday, I actually didn't eat anything solid until 8pm. Then I had some vegetarian chili (no meat substitute either just beans and tomatoey goodness) and some "pop chips" (the chips are popped under pressure and heat. So I could eat the whole big bag for 360cal! But I shared it with my dad) and I had a protien drink. I was pretty happy with that. My dad committed cardinal sins though. He had a blackened chicken salad (meaning chicken and MAYO) and a slice of veggie PIZZA! Not that chicken is horrible but my fam is trying to be vegetarian with the occasional fish. I couldn't believe it!!! I was so angry with him. But he said this will spur him to "starve for the next few months as punishment". Honey, you just don't know what real starving is like.
Jen: never been to a hotel? O_o
You gotta go on a road trip or something you crazy girl! Kidding! XOXO
Also hi new followers!!!!
Scarlet <3<3

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Hey guys!

so I feel like I'm doing really well with my new plan. I was sick yesterday though. I woke up feeling nauseous and having my stomach feel weird, but by around 4pm I was back to normal. Needless to say I didn't get a chance to work out yesterday, but all I had was some canned fruit (I know it's bad to eat!!! But it was the best I could do) and a tofu veggie dinner. so woo! I feel like I’m getting thinner. Friday draws near and I keep going with the mantra: Eat less, Be thinner, Do more. I totally hate that I’m going to see my bro though. not that I don't want to see him, but going to see him requires a hotel, and my parents don’t want to stay in the rinky-dink hotels that give you year-old continental breakfast. Most likely we’ll wind up at one that gives the really nice buffet breakfast. Gah, I really don’t want that. AT ALL! So my plan is just to get as thin as possible and try to just stick to fruit and like one pancake per morning and then try not to eat for the rest of the day. On top of the dangerous buffet, I am sure my sis in law will try to make us eat her food. Okay, that may not be a problem as neither my parents nor I trust her in the slightest. We all think she’s totally and completely evil, so I may coast by her offerings.

In other news, I got my physical chem exam back and I got an 89!!! Woot! 88-100 is an A in her book so I am really happy! I haven’t gotten my physics test back yet, that’s my next class so chances are I’ll get it after I finish writing this post. That reminds me that I *still* have to finish my physics lab report that I have been putting off for like a week and a half. Gotta get it done because it is due on Thursday.

I read on Facebook that A cut his hair so I am super excited to see how it turned out. Though I hope he didn’t cut it too low as I love his curls. Lol.

I am doing well with my food intake so far, just some soymilk (154 cals) and I won’t get anything else until after 3pm. So yay! I guess I’ll weigh myself Friday morning and let you guys know what I weigh. I’ve been pretty good and staying away from the scale so hopefully I’ll have a good number. 210 would be a(n) (unlikely) dream, so I guess 215 would be more reasonable. I just want below 217. That would make me happy, lol.

Okay guys, I am off to study and then go to physics!


Scarlet <3

Sunday, February 14, 2010

A Valentine For Myself

Hey Guys!
So I am much, much, MUCH better today! I feel so much better as I sat myself down and had a heart to heart. That and happening to catch a fred price sermon late last night. The sermon was all about how you have to keep self-control or control self. You have to keep your body disciplined and under control. He related the body to a car. You always say "your car" like you say "your body" but the car isn't you, it's just something you own. Something you control. Just like your body. It hit me like a ton of bricks. So often I give into things because I felt a craving, or felt hungry. But it's all just my body because I would be perfectly happy if I didn't have to deal with food. So my body may want the food, but I am not my body. So there. I came up with a plan: I eat breakfast and dinner, but in an unconventional sense. Bfast is whenever I wake up, but after I drink two glasses of water. Dinner must be eaten after five but before seven or else it's no more food for the day. I work out for one hour (right now I'm jogging/walking in my basement). That's it. I think I'll lose like this. Here was today:
Bfast: tofu scramble (some olive oil, veggies, and tumeric, shallots, salt and pepper) it totally tastes like eggs.
Dinner: barley with soymilk and this chocolate cereal instant pack (the whole thing was like 370 cals, maybe a tinge more)
And water, water, water. I just did my hour workout and I feel great.
I didn't have a date or anything tonite, unless you count me checking A's facebook to see if HE went on a date as a date, haha (he didn't!). But yesterday I saw that movie the time traveller's wife. OMG, thinspo!!!!! There's this one scene where Rachel McAdams gets out of bed and you can see her ribs through her back and EVERY SINGLE VERTABRAE in her back. I was like FUCK ME I wish I had that. Oh and eric bana was very cute in the movie. Very cute.
I feel super inspired now, because I found out I'm getting a $2000 refund check from my school. So noooww I'm looking to get an elliptical for around $300. I'm checking craigslist and walmart and stuff, so if you guys have any suggestions let me know! I'm gonna be so thin!!!!!! Weeeee!!!!!
Jenny, A.Beautiful.Mess, and les jeune fille à les oiseaux, THANK YOU so much for your comments! I appreciate how you guys are so encouraging about my weight and how it's just a bump in the road, and how A is NOT out of my league (yay!). I totally <3 you guys!
Okay, off to do homework!
Scarlet <3

Friday, February 12, 2010

Hiding My Face

Don't look for me,
I'm hiding my face,
I live in the shadows,
Because I feel so out of place
I try to be perfect,
I try to acheieve,
I live like I'm golden,
With my heart on my sleeve
But in the middle of the night,
I cry my tears of agony,
Because I can't seem to get it right,
I'm not who I want to be
Just another silly girl
That's what they call me
But I push through the pain just to survive,
I know I'll fail but I have to try,
I need to feel alive
Don't look for me,
I'm hiding my face,
I live in the shadows,
Because I feel so out of place

I just wrote that, because it's how I feel. Out of place and a failure. I am absolutely bovine right now, up 3.8 pounds. I don't know what to do, I'm trying, trying, trying!!! I didn't get through my fast yesterday, but I didn't do badly on the food, I made it until around 5pm. I'm not going to get my money unless a miracle happens, but it's not even about that anymore. I just feel like a failure. I'm going to stay away from the scale, I seemed to be losing weight as long as I wasn't on it.
I did well on my physics test, I mean I don't know my score but I knew what I was doing. I saw A, but we didn't get a chance to talk. He's so cute with his dimples and braces (I have never seen anyone look cute w/braces and somehow he pulls it off and looks adorable). But what would he want with a girl like me. If I want the slightest bit of a chance of a date I have to push hard. Restrict,reduce, reject. I'm going to start eating clean when I do eat (read tosca reno's book). But I plan on not really eating. Just focus on school. And getting a job for the summer. Then maybe I'll wake up and be perfect.
I love you guys so much and appreciate you taking the time to encourage me even though I always seem to let you down. I can do better. I will be better. Watch me.
Scarlet <3

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

On The Road Again

Ah, back to losing weight now!!!! Yesterday went well, I had:
A bag of popcorn (most of it, not even all of it. I left about a 1/4 behind through sharing and caring, lol, so about 390cals)
Some of the "chunks of energy" things they sell at Whole Foods. They're made of sunflower seeds, vanilla, some sugar(not sure what type, like agave nectar or something, it's all sugar to me, haha), raisins, and almonds. Very healthy. No idea about cals.
An Odwalla super protien shake (380cals)
That's it. I worked out for an hour and I feel really good. Not too shabby, Scarlet. I think I'll cut the protien shake though. Wayy too many cals!!! Also, my new plan is to only eat meals the size of a fist: fruit, rice, anything really, as long as it's the size of my fist (of course I have a big fist, haha). I can have three and be set. I read that on Holly's blog (venus perfection) a while ago and forgot about it, but I'm gonna try it. also, tomorrow I'm fasting with Jen!!!! So you guys feel free to join in and get thin (ha)!
In other news, I have a physics exam tomorrow, so I have to study up today, but that's not exciting. No, what's exciting is, you know how I said A was my lab partner?? Well ot also turns out he's in my regularly scheduled physics section, not just my lab section!! So I get to see him 3 times a week!!!!!! So, tomorrow, I may try to fanagle hanging out, I am completely lost when it comes to boys so this will be no easy feat! Any help is appreciated. :)
Also, remember EK, guy who's totally obsessed with pool? Yeah well, I got out of physics early, so I went down there to you know, hang out maybe? EK wasn't there yet, so I just waited and acted as if I wasn't, all playing around on my phone. EK shows up and says NOTHING to me. I am five feet away from the tables. I look cute. Hell, they other guys who were playing and didn't even know me looked at me and smiled a few times(of course I had been snickering at them at they kept catapulting balls off the table, lol). But not EK. To him, I was seemingly invisible. I wear Orange boots, I have a pink and green hat on with a black coat, I carry around a luggage cart as my backpack(which is pink and brown btw) and to top it all off, I am sitting on the school's ugly, orange "ergonomic" benches, and he didn't see me there?????????? I was tempted to just not be ignored and just go up and say hi, but I said fuck him, got my shit and walked right by him and didn't say a word. So he's on The List. The List is something I keep mentally filled with all the people I want to make sick/jealous/lustful-and-they-can't-have-me. It's mostly guys who've snubbed me, but there are a few girls who are just evil. Whatever.
Emily: thank you so much, it feels so good to be out of the 220s. I think I did a backflip after I got off the scale (lol, kidding)
AnaBullshit: thanks for the congrats and yeah, my dad is going to give me 35 bucks if I make 205 by feb 17(my sis in law's bday). Since I plan to be 199 or less by March 1, I'll need that money for some new threads. :)
A.Name: aww, thank you so much, you're my hero for writing that!!!
Jen: hahaha!!!!! I totally can't see you happiness (kidding!). Thanks so much babe, I love you too!!!!! And as you can see, we are defoo fasting tomorrow!
Scarlet <3

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


Not D-day, W-day! Aka, weigh-in day!!! Wooo!!! (Can you tell I'm trying to get everyone all hyped up?)
A few things I should mention before I post my weight:
1) I did purge once during this past week.
2) I had green tea almost everyday
3) I did not green tea fast yesterday as I'd intended
4) I went to a superbowl party on sunday
5) Um, worked out maybe 4 times this week
So, now that those conditions have been layed down, my weight!
As of 9am this morning I weigh....217.0 lbs!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahahhahahaha, bite me 220 plateau!!!! I lost 6.8 lbs this week, almost 1 pound a day, all while eating. Hahaha!!!!! I am so happy right now. Now my new goal is 199, but my short-term goal is 205 by next wednesday. Now I going to weigh in on friday and tuesday, so if my weight is a few pounds shy of 205, I'll be honest with you guys and tell you what I weighed on tuesday and then take a diuretic and laxie on tuesday (post weigh in) so I can hit 205 by wedsnesday and collect my money. I really want my money. Then I'll rehydrate and such.
I did pretty well on my physical chem exam today. I think I got an A. I did forget to bring a formula sheet, so we'll see.
Okay, I am going to sit here and sip sparkling water and bask in my weigh in, lol.
Thanks for all the sweet comments and encouragement!!! BTW Jen, I like your typos, lol. :)
Skinny(er) Scarlet <3

Monday, February 8, 2010

Eleventh Hour, Fifty Ninth Minute

Ah, last chance time. Tomorrow is my weigh in day, so we will see how much I've lost this week and also this month (tomorrow is the 1 month anniversary of my scale).
Yesterday went well, I didn't eat much before the party, and I did okay with the food there as 1) not to look weird, and 2) to not get really fat. There were no veggies at the party. None. That is, unless you count the mayo-drowned potato salad and cole slaw. So I had some homemade nachos(cheese sauce, salsa, some chili on top of tortillas), and a subway sandwich (not even a 6inch, it was from one of the party platters), some cake, pie, and icecream (shame, shame, shame, but tasty!), and two cookies after my dad kept saying how great they were. Sooo, not too bad. I didn't have anything else for the day so it should fair well. I was considering since I have so much studying to do and homework and such, maybe I can just do a green tea fast today. Just eat the leaves, drink water and hopefully be really skinny tomorrow.
I have an exam tomorrow for physical chem, so I must study!!!!!
Violet and Lyndee: I really have no idea, I read it in an Anne Rice book. Besides, maybe I read it wrong, who can focus on minor details when Lestat is around!!!! LOL :)
Jen: the superbowl is just when the two best football teams in the NFL (american football, not soccer!) Have the championship game. It's really talked about because unlike other sports where you play like seven games or something and whoever wins more wins, this is only ONE game. One shot at greatness, so it's a big deal over here. Everyone makes their predictions and watches the game and playfully teases/jabs the other teams fans whenever something goes your teams way. It's everyone's pass to be a kid. :)
Yes, we will beat mia, I'm so proud of you for not purging yesterday!!! *hugs*
Skinnybusiness: yeah, she comes around at the strangest times. It's like, if you're going to make me throw it up, why have me eat it in the first place!?!
les jeune fille à les oiseaux: haha, thank you so much, I really appreciate it. :)
Scarlet <3

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Blame The Romans

I mean, it's really all their fault that we know about purging in the first place. Them and their greed. They used to have parties with like thirty courses or something, and when they were so full they couldn't possibly have the next course, they ran to the vomitorium, puked it up, came back, and ate more. Seriously.
So I'm honest on this blog so I will admit it: I purged. Again.
My fam and I went out yesterday to do some city trekking and we went to an indian neighborhood. Ah, so many delish smells of tandoori, korma, and naan. But we didn't have any of that, no we stopped in a convience store and had some slices of cake. To be exact, three slices of cake. Each. Every cake had 500cals (read the label) and I ate all of them. That was on top of my 250cal bfast and some other odds and ends that we had. I was going to be okay until I wound up eating an extra 1/3 of a cake that my dad didn't want. Go trash can girl. So when we got home, I couldn't take it. Everytime I burped I tasted failure. So I ran up to the bathroom, drank down some warm water and purged deep. It was hard because it had been about an hour since I'd had the cakes, but I tasted chocolate on the way up so I got most of the cakes out. We'll see if any of this was worth it on tuesday.
So I have another new plan: weigh on tuesdays and fridays, and before I eat anything, ask myself WIPT? Or Will I Purge This? That will keep me more on track and away from the mia train. I like my voice, I love to sing. Mia deepens the voice, something I don't need as mine is already a bit low. A few octaves lower and people will swear I'm the best tranny they've ever seen.
Ah thank you guys so much for your sweet comments about A. I'm using him as my motivation because I really, really, REALLY want him. Gotta lose more weight in I'm gonna get him though.
Oh and before I forget (like I have over the last like three posts) I have 53 followers now!!!! Wow! I am so happy to have you guys listen to my lame-o life. :)
Off to a superbowl party!! Go Colts!
Scarlet <3

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Tuesday Hurry Up!!!

Ah, hey guys!
I am bouncing off the walls over here because I can't weigh myself!!! I think I have mastered assessing myself visually and gauging my progress from the mirror as well as the scale, but now I am looking extra good in the mirror, and I want to know what the scale says!!! I'm reading all these blogs about people making their goals and I'm all: gah I wanna join in too!!! I think after tuesday I'll weigh in on fridays and tuesdays. That way by the time I start reaching my breaking point I can weigh in!
I had a good day yesterday food wise. Had a apple almond quinoa salad and a luna bar, a mix1 drink, red tortilla chips, and a veggie and rice dinner. I have been pretty successful with cutting down my sugar drastically. I'm trying to not have as many processed things and I think it's working.
In life news, I don't know if I ever told you guys, but when I meet new people like at school or whatever, I normally look them up on facebook and look at their page (unless it's private) to see if well, how cool they really are. It gives me a better perspective of the person. Sooo EK doesn't have an FB or a myspace, so I'm pretty in the dark about him. But A, does have an FB, and I read his "about me" and practically fell off my bed. I mean, he's like so poetic and lyrical, a boy after my own heart, lol. Not that I've given up on EK, it's just that I've known him for a semester already and not gotten past friendly conversation. Besides, it's not like he's asking me for my number or anything. Also, I'm not going to marry either of them (I don't think), so why not have some fun? Anyway, here's A's "about me" it doesn't have any personal info, so I don't think it's wrong to post it:
About Me: If I had to personify myself I would be a firework, but not just your regular old firework that makes people go "ooh...ahh" and then forget. I'd be that big one towards the end of the 4th of July over Lake Michigan. The one where the sound comes at you a couple of seconds after the explosion. The one that gives you almost unnoticeable goosebumps when you're a kid. The one you compare all other fireworks to. The one that you remember for decades to come. The one you share stories about. The one that lets you forget about all the events and people around you and takes you to a whole nother place. See, thats the kind of person I am. A careful balance between conformity and individuality. A leader by example. Adaptive and attentive. Caring and supportive. An artist and an engineer. The all in one package. The energy that comes from splitting god's atom combined with the elegance and discipline of a symphony orchestra. That's me in a nutshell. Ohkay ohkay so I'm not thaat great ;P..but I definitely aspire to be :)
Isn't that great? Tell me what you guys think! :)
A.Beautiful.Mess: yeah, I only drink it to be skinny too (oh and health benefits), but sometimes, it's just hard to drink.
Violet: oh thanks for the advice, it's a really good brand, it looks so pretty after it's brewed, it just tastes a bit strong. :)
Jen: *collects all the love and puts it in my heart* I think the green tea is helping. Seriously. I wish I could tell you how much, but I can't yet. I know I look ten times better. :)
So I am off to go out with the fam, try and finish my HW, and then prepare for the superbowl tomorrow! I'm going to a party at one of my dad's old highschool buddies' house.
Scarlet <3

Friday, February 5, 2010

Sitting Here Chewing On Gunpowder

Sitting here chewin' on gunpowder (gunpowder!) Strike match light fire!
--- 'Bamboo Banga' by MIA
Love that song. Love it even more now that I am doing just that. Well, not real gunpowder, gunpowder green tea, aka the strongest green tea ever. I actually hate the taste of green tea because I don't use sugar (I used to like it the british way with cream and sugar). But I got a lovely idea: if we can eat veggies, most of which are plants, then why can't I eat green tea, which is also a plant? So now I get a big bottle of water and take some in my mouth and swallow some dried gunpowder (it's like taking a pill, you need the water). Lately, it has been working like a charm!!! I have more energy and I think the fat is breaking down because I have been having to pee like crazy even when I don't have many liquids! Sorry if that is tmi.
I am also looking thinner!!!!! So we will see on tuesday.
My food yesterday was okay.... Had too many rice cakes though. Thank god they were only 45cal a piece. I have found motivation to get thin everywhere lately. In my physics lab, one of my lab partners, let's call him A (I have two, they're both guys), is this totally, totally cute guy. And on top of that, I found out EK is always by the pool tables at 3pm on tuesdays and thursdays. So I can see EK on tuesdays and A on thursdays. Oh how lovely to have cute boy overload. :)
Violet: oh I am never purging again, I was just saying at least it wasn't all bad.
~Naomi~: hahaha, stop taking stuff!!!!! Lol, JK. :) I'm trying to figure out a method to use to form the association, haven't figured it out yet.
Jen: I know!!! It seems so unappealing after that. You just look at it and you're I haven't had pasta in three days!!
Okay guys, have fun and be skinny!!
Scarlet <3

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Aversion Therapy

Hey guys!
So I am still doing really well, I think I'm finally getting thinner!!! My dad keeps saying how amazing and pretty I look so that's a total confidence booster.
I have noticed something strange though, I think I may have induced aversion therapy on myself when I purged. You guys know aversion therapy, it's associating something with an unpleasantry. Like when parents catch their kids smoking and then make the kids smoke so much that they get sick and never want to smoke again. I was looking at the pasta yesterday and I was hungry, but I got a flashback of the purge and I promptly closed the fridge. So something good came out of it.
Awww, thank you guys for all the sweet comments about using EK as motivation!!! He does have an adorable smile btw. :) I'm hoping I can get him to take me to the spring formal (around april) so I think I may have my work cut out for me.
Well, I am off to do more school but thank you guys so much, you mean the world to me :)
Scarlet <3<3

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Sunshine In The Valley

Hey guys!!!
Wow thank you so much for all of your support and care on my last post, I was seriously going through the ringer there. I feel that I should address something though that was brought up by Insane Jayne. Idk if she'll read this since she deleted her comment, but I'll deal with it anyway.
Jayne said that I'd overgeneralized that people who purge can just stop and suddenly go to starving. Her concern in particular was about bulimics. Let me clarify: I said if you have time to consider purging don't do it and then if you decide to, figure out what pushed you to that and get rid of it. If someone is a bulimic, it's not a thought or consideration--it's an impulse. It's done before you can formulate a thought about it really. So my advice was for people with EDNOS (like moi) who don't purge often and really only did it because we were triggered by something (mine was the scale, I don't like seeing the numbers go up!). So I hope that clarified everything.
Back to other news! Yesterday I did well, I had soymilk, veggies, an apple, and some other random things, nothing major. I did 30mins on my stationary bike (oh the hill setting is killer!!!) And 30mins of strength training (just my own stuff,not the devil lady, lol). So I feel like I am getting thinner!!! Strange, I never looked at how I look and how I feel to gauge whether or not I'm thinning, I just let the scale decide.
Also, on the non-weight side of my life, I ran into EK yesterday!!! I'm not sure I told you guys about EK. He's the guy that sat next to me in polisci last semester. He's eighteen and wayy more in my league than guy from orgo (who's like 20). I really like EK, he's a sweetheart, last time I saw him he taught me how to play pool ( and totally kicked my butt, haha) in the last day of the semester. So I saw him yesterday and we talked about the normal stuff: how're classes going, blah, blah, blah. He asked me where I'd just come from and I said my physics class and then I asked him the same question and he was all "oh I just came from my physics, I mean psychology class" I nearly lit up the room with my smile. He was flustered! Flustered!!!! By me!!!! Eeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! (I mean, woo.)
So I am crazy happy and will be much thinner next time I see him!
Comment time!
~naomi~: I know, it's like having the covers snatched from you. Yeah, I think I'd rather shoot myself than do all that too, because not only do I have to work that hard, but I won't get to see how much I lost from the fasting/workout!! And that would drive me cuh-razy!!!
Bl33ding Truth: um, anything by fallout boy gets me going to workout, as well as panic at the disco. For just zoning out and staying away from the food, I like jimmy eat world and relient k (esp. The song 'who I am hates who I've been' and 'shut my mouth')
Holly: hey, my way of avoiding food is saying forget eating in moderation, just don't eat the bad stuff!! Veggies, fruits, give me the stuff of the earth! Haha. Besides, you're not eating processed foods, which is pretty much what I'm doing (except I have these neat little packets of nutrion cereal drinks and soymilk that only run 50-100 cals). :)
Thank for the sweet comments guys!!!
Scarlet <3

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Next Time You Point A Finger, I'll Point You To The Mirror

Next time you point a finger, I might have to bend it back and break it, break it off, next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror
---- 'Playing God' by Paramore
Sooo, how to start this one? Well, yesterday I was doing ok, pretty down about my weight, watching the days tick off the calendar, my time to get thin and get paid running short. And then I made my dog pasta. No sauce because I didn't want to eat it, just salt and pepper. Unlucky for me, even that tasted amazing. And then I proceeded to eat about 500 cals worth of pasta. I hadn't eaten much, a ton of liquids mostly so I wasn't all that worried. Until, UNTIL I weighed myself. Stupid move. It was high and I knew that I was going to be fat today, but I decided I could fix my mistake. I calmly got up, grabbed an old toothbrush, and stuck the handle down my throat. Yeah. And after some of it came up I stopped and saw myself in my mind's eye. As all of you know, I am a stark advocate against purging; many times I have said that I would never purge and just take my lumps (no pun intended ha) and gain the weight. Yet here I was, perched over a toilet gagging myself.
"Shit Scarlet, what the hell are you doing?!?" I said to myself. I stepped away from the toilet, flushed and walked out the bathroom, shocked at what I'd done.
A bit of advice: if you have enough time to consider purging, don't do it. It made me feel so vulnerable and weak it wasn't funny. I felt like I'd lost control. So just don't. And if you do, find out what your trigger is, get rid of it and stop.
My trigger is the scale (obviously). So I am not going to weigh until tuesday. I am 223.8 today, would've been 224.4 if I hadn't purged but that's neither here nor there.
My new plan is to just avoid food. No more time limits, blah, blah, blah. It works, but I am not disciplined enough for it. So avoiding food all together is the plan. Right now I am chewing some gum that I just bought, as u have mastered not swallowing it (finally!).
Naomi: haha, thanks, I'm gonna use you as thinspo too!!!!
Scarlett (hahahaha): thanks so much for the encouragement :)
I will do this. I will starve, workout, and weigh-in on tuesday.
Punishments for weighing in early: I have to water fast (no gum, tea, anything with taste. Literally water) the next day with an hour and a half on the elliptical and jackie warner's entire 40min circut. That'll deff keep me OFF the scale, lol.
I hope you guys are doing better than me and thanks for all the sweet comments!!!
Scarlet <3<3

Monday, February 1, 2010


Well, firstly, sorry for not posting yesterday. I was crazy busy. However, my food intake has been going well, just veggies mostly, with the occasional falafel ball (I've never tried them, turns out they taste good!), and protein shake, but nothing that truly deviates from what I've been having lately. The earliest deviation of my time limit eating time was eating at 5:45pm. However, I think there may be a hormone shift afoot because I am 222.6 today. Gah. I had planned on being 218 so that I could have a head start on being 205 by feb 17, now I am behind that by .6 lbs. Irritating. I know it has to be water weight because:
1) My intake has been good
2) On saturday I did an hour on my elliptical, and on sunday I did 30mins of my jackie warner dvd (that woman is the devil!!!!) And 45 mins on my elliptical.
3) Um, I figured if it's a hormone shift that causes water weight when aunt flo comes, maybe it's an equal shift that causes water weight when she goes and she *technically* leaves wednesday. Just a guess on this one.(I hate biology, so idk)
So if this is the case, I should just keep pushing and maybe I'll have some miraculous numbers come along and help me out. I hope so.
Holly: I am glad that I could help, lol. <3
Okay, so february is my time to get thin. So I must set some goals for myself:
1: must be 205 (or less) by feb 17
2: must, must, must be 199(or less) by march 1
3: must be a size 14 (or less) by feb 24 when I get my allowance (how much stuff I get to buy hinges on goal 1)
So those are the big three. Must do these.
Scarlet <3
Thanx for the sweet comments!!!