Saturday, April 26, 2014


Life hates me.

I got down to my low weight. 4 lbs down total. Then I ate maybe 800 cal and went to a party where I danced for three hours. I drank a bunch of water because thirst. I weighed yesterday morning: 3 lbs up. Go to meet with my advisor, she told me she doesn't want me in her lab any more and I can either try to get into a different lab or leave with my masters. She picked apart everything I have done in the past year and basically told me it was nothing and I wasn't worth the money she spent sponsoring me.

I don't know what I weigh. I don't care. I haven't eaten much. I have been drinking. I hate life right now. I have to find a new lab and hope it works out.

Sam: I'm studying chemical engineering. I would write a more interesting response but not in a good mood right now. Here's a smiley to make up for it :)


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Bonnie and Clyde

So apparently my mind and body are freakin Bonnie and Clyde together. I went to the buffet and ate reservedly. I had technically three plates, but I didn't eat much. I made sure everything on the plates was well separated (if you ever go to a buffet you know people make those plates with all the food piled all over each other and still eat five plates that look like that) and I stayed away from starches and stuff and aligned myself with the proteins and veggies. I had like two chicken dishes (maybe a 1/3 of the plate each), a bunch of creamed spinach (I know it sounds weird but I'm in love with it), some salmon (absolutely disgusting the way they made it, did not eat), some cucumber salad (again, ehh, did not eat), and a salsa type salad something (again, did not eat). So my two plates of actual food narrowed to one. Then dessert was like a cup of sherbert and some tiramisu and pineapples. No candy the whole day, nothing extra. Not bad. I was actually kinda proud of myself. Until much later. I had a raging headache with no idea why. My stomach also was a little flip floppy, so I convinced myself that lemonade with a hearty helping of vodka would help me forget all about my headache. Well, not exactly. I did wind up projectile vomiting in my boyfriend's bathroom (and on the walls) while he was at work. Thankfully his roommate wasn't around, and technically speaking their bathroom was cleaner after I cleaned up my mess than before said mess occurred. So even though I am sure calories were absorbed already, when I weighed in the morning after I was the same beautiful weight. I can't say I'm sad about getting sick from the food. I didn't make it happen, it was really making me sick *shrugs*.

Today I was up about 1.5, but I blame that on water weight. Throwing up + period= water weight. I know this so I'm not freaking out. Today was supposed to be a liquid fast, but now it's liquids, one cupcake, and three tortilla chips. *shrugs* I just won't eat anything else, it's 3pm and I'm not hungry so I'll live. I've stacked myself with my multivitamins with the caffeine along with a red bull. We shall see how my weight looks tomorrow, my goal was to lose 80 lbs between now (or last week rather) and the end of august. So I have like 12 weeks until school starts which means 6.7 lbs per week. I am only down two lbs right now so I need to lose like five more before Monday. Which makes this week 1 of 12. I can definitely lose 5 by Monday, provided no one messes with me but I should be fine. Super busy with lab, stupid projects, and studying for finals. EEP. Can't wait until summer so I can just hide in the lab all day without the stress of schoolwork.

Sam: Finally subscribed to your blog lol :)  Lol I hate easter candy, it's all really sweet and everything is chocolate, surprisingly I am not a big chocolate fan. I like valentine's day candy where everything is tart and fruit flavored haha. Your reaction to my boobs is the same as everyone, they are freaking huge. My boyfriend has on more than one occasion worn one of my bra cups as a hat...a very large hat. Thankfully I'm tall so they don't look ridiculous, and my muscles (that are quite strong and prominent even though I haven't worked out in ages) hold them up and don't give me back pain :)

Current Lbs lost: 2
Current Lbs to go: 78
Most lost so far: 4

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Woop! WTF, but WOOP!

Step on scale. Read weight. Look Confused. Step on scale again. Same weight. Look confused but dance.
Somehow, someway the universe has broken itself. I am down like I think 1.5 lbs since I last wrote, but yesterday my weight fucking SKYROCKETED. Like to the point where my overall loss was only like a half pound total. I wanted to cry. I didn't want to eat, didn't want to go to the stupid formal thing, I just wanted to sit in bed and loathe myself.

Of course I didn't do that. I drug my fat ass to the shower, cried a little, got dressed, struggled to put on strappy heels (like seriously, i'll explain), and went to the formal. Smiled, took pictures, ate the dinner, and thought to myself that it wouldn't be terrible for the ceiling to fall in on my chair. Yeah I wasn't in a good state. This was mostly due to the scale and THOSE DAMN SHOES. I have large bones. I don't mean those excuses people use when they are fat, I am fat and have very large bones. Which is mostly why I don't look as heavy as I am. Fucking bones man. So these heels do that fun criss-cross across the instep and secure with the buckle thing at the ankle. TERRIBLE. The damn things wouldn't close. I couldn't begin to get the strap through I was so sad. I eventually got them on with my roommate's help but you wouldn't believe how terrible I felt. Of course my roommate kept saying it was probably just the angle that I was putting them on at because once they were fastened it wasn't like there was fat pouring all over the straps or anything and the straps were still moveable so it wasn't like they were too small for me. Of course I wasn't listening to her. I was agonizing that it took me 15 minutes to but on some heels and this must mean that I am growing exponentially. So that was why I was hoping for a very selecting sinkhole to swallow me up.

The whole dinner I was just thinking about calories. Honestly I was going crazy even though I think I had only had maybe 400 so far before the dinner. Then after the dinner we all took pictures, I got more depressed ( I thought I looked terrible. Looking today the pictures aren't bad. Perception is a bitch.) and gave up on life. Hung out with my boyfriend, had sex to make myself feel more attractive (can't say that was a bad idea. Fucking amazing idea. I still felt fat but I was warm and tingly haha), and ate late night pizza (again the giving up on life thing).

I can't say what I expected to see on the scale today. I just got on it and poof! Super low weight that is just WTF. My overall loss is 4 lbs now. I don't get it. But I won't complain haha. Still haven't started my period yet, it's going to pop up at the most inopportune time and just ruin my life and that's okay I guess because being a girl.

Unfortunately my weight loss will be shortlived as tomorrow is easter and the early celebration of my dad's birthday and he wants to go to a buffet restaurant at 11 am in the morning. MY LIFE.
That is me in my dress with gratuitous boob window.


Sam: LUCKY!! Lol always hungry means your metabolism is working. Mine just sits around like a lazy teenage stoner. I have to boost it with multivitamins that are stacked with caffeine. Twice? Awww :) Congrats on the two pounds you're doing awesome!! Also I think I might be retarded because I can't figure out how to subscribe on your blog. Help!

Onyx: I've never seen the gopicnic ones! I've only run across the "uploaded" ones that are for older kids. Eh, I don't mind though the smaller they are the less calories they have haha

weight lost so far: 4 lbs
weight to go: some more lol


Thursday, April 17, 2014

Mother Nature

So I am supposed to start my period in like one or two days. I am NOT happy about this at all. On the brightside though, my weight has only gone up like a half a pound in the past two days. I can say without any guilt that is definitely water weight. The other problem with this is that the cravings are fucking ridiculous. I want everything. I have resisted though thanks to 1, not having the stuff I want around, and 2, being stuck in my lab and doing work or whatever. Also I have to go to an event tomorrow where I will wear a formal dress and have to take pictures so that is motivation times infinity.

Just gotta weather the storm. I feel super big even though I'm not any different. This sucks.

I just ate my lunchables after avoiding going to the university caf with my roommate. She invited me and I'm like a whole place full of as much food as I want when I'm in this state? NAAAAAAAAH. I would leave as a fucking whale. Well, a bigger whale but whatever. NAAAAAAH.


Sam: lmao pretty sure my metabolism is broken. Has been for the longest, it takes me a long time to get hungry and if I wait that long I'll be completely ravenous so I normally just time when I eat regardless of how I feel (unless I actually did eat a bunch of food and the fullness is legit) just to stave off the ravenous cliff my hunger will jump off of. Lunchables aren't that weird, it's just having crackers with meat and cheese lol.


Weight Lost so far: 2.5lbs
Weight to go: Zillions

Tuesday, April 15, 2014


Down a pound today! :)
nothing much, slaving in a lab as per usual.
Also lunchables are amazing. THEY HAVE THE CALORIES ON THE FRONT AND THEY ARE ONLY LIKE 250 cals. Loooooooooooooooooooove. I had one with a powerade for lunch (? it was at like 3...I guess still lunch). So I'm at 380 right now. Yay! :)
Not hungry yet so dinner will be around 8 or something.


Monday, April 14, 2014


Okay so the weekend was kinda bad, but I've maintained a 2lb loss so far. I'm only going to lose more this week. I mean I only started Thursday haha.

Anyways, nothing much to update right now. It's 3:30pm and I haven't had anything today, not even water (which is bad I know). So eh. I have class at 5 until about 8 and I am dead tired and I have to work on a paper and proctor an exam tomorrow so I am crazy busy. Ain't nobody got time for food.

Hopefully I can drop a good 7 lbs this week.

Onyx: 1300 isn't a bad number, I just can't tell myself that is my aim because I tend to go over so I set my goals lower to make up for my anticipated screw ups. And if I don't screw up I have a super low cal count :) Good luck to you too!!

I really need to catch up on blogs. But everything else is taking up my time. I promise I'll try to read blogs when I can.


Friday, April 11, 2014


I'm so happy. I didn't end up finishing at that 500 cals yesterday, closer to 1000 because I ate dinner (salad and creamed spinach it wasn't super exciting), BUT I was down 1.6 lbs today :)

Today was even better than yesterday. I had a salad earlier and a cup of fruit. About 250 cal. And I just now had dinner (a sandwich and some watermelon). At most I'm probably at about 750-800 for the day. It's glorious.


Thursday, April 10, 2014

Back to Life

Yay I'm back!!! I passed my qualifying exam so I get to stay in my program and I'm back to long hours in my professor's lab which means long hours without food in my face :)
So I good news and bad news. The good news is I didn't gain any weight in this time. The bad news is I didn't lose any weight in this time. Shame I know, but I would rather be in this situation than the bad end of the spectrum. Today I haven't eaten anything and it is about 3pm. Sadly I will probably be in this stupid lab until 7ish so no food until then. But by that point unless I'm basically dying I can't see myself eating. Especially when I can say I just went to one of the restaurants across the street and ate food and no one can argue with me.
Cals for today:
Strawberry/Pineapple "smoothie": 300 cals (it's just strawberry flavoring and pineapple and ice)
Water (1.5 L): 0
Brisk (1L): 210 ( I haven't had it yet but I bought it which means I'm gonna drink it)
Total: 510cals

If I can keep it to that I will be one super happy chica. I did calculations and if I wanna lose 80lbs by the time fall semester starts (late august), starting now I can have 1300 cals a day if I do moderate exercise 3-5 days a week. That seems completely attainable because I am not going anywhere near 1300 cals (fuck that shit) and I'll start working out as soon as classes end in may. I also calculated my chances if I don't do any exercise and that would require about 481 cals a day. So I'm on the right track because I am definitely gonna work out and not eat so I should make that goal. I will be 255 by the time school starts which is only 20lbs higher than I was when I started grad school. I looked adorable when I started grad school I was a size 14 on my way to a size 12. Memories. I'm tall so I pull off a size 14 very well. I obviously wanna be smaller than that but just to look like a normal girl and not a land whale would be welcome. I didn't get an internship this summer which means mucho lab work. I'm also going to try and get an on campus job as well so I can work at the dorm desks at night after I have already spent the day in the lab. That way I can work one or two shifts a day (two hour shifts) and go to sleep. Weekends I will do whatever, but I think it is super important that most of my time is occupied. The busier I am the less time I have to eat. And bonus I will get a little bit of extra money. We will see. If I don't get the job I'll just amuse myself with exercise and books. I have my ways.
Hopefully my roommate is super busy in the summer too because she tends to pay attention to when I don't eat or when I look skinnier. But whatever, YOLO.
We shall see where this adventure takes me, but I am so fucking sick of this shit. Like I had to go to a conference and let me tell you trying to find clothes that fit me properly was hell. Granted I went shopping while bloated because my period was coming but still! So annoying and everything was expensive and with every fitting room I felt like killing myself (note: i am not suicidal). It was so demoralizing. I had never felt so ugly in my life. I just wanted to go and sleep for a thousand years and never face the world again. I barely even took pictures at the conference because I felt like a blubberball. Why is fat so powerful? To be able to rob me of the chance to make memories and have things to show my children one day? Anyway gonna show you guys what I look like right now, 333lbs (*cries*) but I look alrightish.

The top one is what I look like now. The bottom one is what I looked like when I started grad school. Probably not the best comparison because I am sure there is a big difference if I had sideways facing pictures but I dont so *shrugs* You can see a big difference in my arms and hips and thighs. And my stomach. and my chest. For fucks sake you can see a difference everywhere. But yeah I want that back. That is my short term goal. I WILL REACH IT BEFORE FALL SEMESTER.