Back to Life

Yay I'm back!!! I passed my qualifying exam so I get to stay in my program and I'm back to long hours in my professor's lab which means long hours without food in my face :)
So I good news and bad news. The good news is I didn't gain any weight in this time. The bad news is I didn't lose any weight in this time. Shame I know, but I would rather be in this situation than the bad end of the spectrum. Today I haven't eaten anything and it is about 3pm. Sadly I will probably be in this stupid lab until 7ish so no food until then. But by that point unless I'm basically dying I can't see myself eating. Especially when I can say I just went to one of the restaurants across the street and ate food and no one can argue with me.
Cals for today:
Strawberry/Pineapple "smoothie": 300 cals (it's just strawberry flavoring and pineapple and ice)
Water (1.5 L): 0
Brisk (1L): 210 ( I haven't had it yet but I bought it which means I'm gonna drink it)
Total: 510cals

If I can keep it to that I will be one super happy chica. I did calculations and if I wanna lose 80lbs by the time fall semester starts (late august), starting now I can have 1300 cals a day if I do moderate exercise 3-5 days a week. That seems completely attainable because I am not going anywhere near 1300 cals (fuck that shit) and I'll start working out as soon as classes end in may. I also calculated my chances if I don't do any exercise and that would require about 481 cals a day. So I'm on the right track because I am definitely gonna work out and not eat so I should make that goal. I will be 255 by the time school starts which is only 20lbs higher than I was when I started grad school. I looked adorable when I started grad school I was a size 14 on my way to a size 12. Memories. I'm tall so I pull off a size 14 very well. I obviously wanna be smaller than that but just to look like a normal girl and not a land whale would be welcome. I didn't get an internship this summer which means mucho lab work. I'm also going to try and get an on campus job as well so I can work at the dorm desks at night after I have already spent the day in the lab. That way I can work one or two shifts a day (two hour shifts) and go to sleep. Weekends I will do whatever, but I think it is super important that most of my time is occupied. The busier I am the less time I have to eat. And bonus I will get a little bit of extra money. We will see. If I don't get the job I'll just amuse myself with exercise and books. I have my ways.
Hopefully my roommate is super busy in the summer too because she tends to pay attention to when I don't eat or when I look skinnier. But whatever, YOLO.
We shall see where this adventure takes me, but I am so fucking sick of this shit. Like I had to go to a conference and let me tell you trying to find clothes that fit me properly was hell. Granted I went shopping while bloated because my period was coming but still! So annoying and everything was expensive and with every fitting room I felt like killing myself (note: i am not suicidal). It was so demoralizing. I had never felt so ugly in my life. I just wanted to go and sleep for a thousand years and never face the world again. I barely even took pictures at the conference because I felt like a blubberball. Why is fat so powerful? To be able to rob me of the chance to make memories and have things to show my children one day? Anyway gonna show you guys what I look like right now, 333lbs (*cries*) but I look alrightish.

The top one is what I look like now. The bottom one is what I looked like when I started grad school. Probably not the best comparison because I am sure there is a big difference if I had sideways facing pictures but I dont so *shrugs* You can see a big difference in my arms and hips and thighs. And my stomach. and my chest. For fucks sake you can see a difference everywhere. But yeah I want that back. That is my short term goal. I WILL REACH IT BEFORE FALL SEMESTER.

XOXO,

Scarlet