Sunday, February 24, 2013


Hey guys,

Sorry I disappeared, I've been so busy lately studying for this stupid qualifying exam and lost track of the weeks. Before I knew it I looked up and it was the end of february. My body is being stupid. I'm still not losing weight. Which means my method is ineffective. Therefore it must change.
It might just be all the stress, I have read that too much stress can keep weight right where it is but I don't have time to contemplate all of that. I need all of this stupidness to end. It could also be my chronic lack of water. I like barely drink any at all and I know that's really bad. That could be the only explaination that makes any sense at all. But I've been worn down. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting a battle that seems like it goes on forever. I'm tired of pushing and not getting anything.
I'm tired.
But unstoppable.
I'll just be better.
Quitting is never an option because we all know where that road leads.
So I may sit here and bitch about it, but we all know I'm just gonna keep going, no matter what.
Therefore I need a new plan. Well, don't worry this one is simple. I'm not going to eat.
I tried to be nice. One meal a day obviously isn't working. And when I say one meal a day I am not BSing you. I don't eat breakfast because I like sleep, I don't eat lunch because it's a stupid meal that doesn't matter.  So you know what? Fuck all the meals. Water will do me fine.
The only caveat is my boyfriend. Oh yeah, I have a boyfriend now. And no, he's not my ex. He's a guy that I met over winter break that I thought was a total creeper, but it turned out he's the one person that has every truly understood me. Like he's so amazing, and I'm pretty sure I love him. We've been together since the 21 of January. It's weird because he used to be really fat too (his parents showed me pictures he was really big) and he lost weight. His eating habits are almost as weird as mine. Like he'll get a footlong sub and split it up into breakfast, lunch, dinner, and random snack. I'm not kidding. He's alot smaller now, just a normal sized guy. I've told him things I haven't even told my parents, like how I only eat once a day. He doesn't like it, but only because he says it's destroying my metabolism. He basically told me I could eat what I do now but eat it at different times in the day (like him, lol). I mean I somehow stumbled onto someone who doesn't even want me to eat more like seriously? I also told him  about my starving/bulimic phase. He didn't freak out. He didn't run away. He didn't judge me. You know what he told me? "We all have flaws, some of us are better at hiding them than others. It's not like this is going to change how I see you. You're still beautiful, you're still weird and awesome." I'm a lucky girl.
Sadly, I am gonna have to lie to him. I'm not going to the caf. Not this week for sure. He doesn't go to the caf so he won't know. Maybe I won't lie per se, I'll just not talk about it, and if he asks if I want him to get me anything later on I'll just say I'm not hungry. Yup, that'll work. Hopefully.
Honestly, all of this talking about it with him flicked my switch. I have never wanted to fast more in my life.
Mina: ^_^ darling how have you been? and eh, honestly I'm back to my high weight which is depressing, but on the brightside I only went up like one dress size from my low weight. *shrugs*
Sam and Onyx: You guys are amazing, I just want you to know that :)
Here we go again,
Scarlet ^_^

Thursday, January 24, 2013


Scale is not going down. Granted it's not going up, but it's not going down either. I am eating so much less than everyone else that people are actually commenting. I just want my body to stop being a raging thundercunt and lose weight dammit.
Fuck you too body. Fuck you too.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Powered Up!

Hey Guys,
Sorry for the delay, I've been busy with the whole first week of classes thing and catching up with people, you know how it is haha.
Anyways, I got new batteries for my scale!!!! I weighed in yesterday and I was actually a bit scared. I mean yeah I've been doing what I was supposed to, but you never know, over a week with no guide whatsoever? But I put in the batteries and stepped on to be judged....5 lbs down!!!!!!!!
I mean granted it's 5 down from the start of mother nature week but whatever 5 is 5 so I am happy. I haven't been to the gym yet since I got to campus, but  that's mostly just me being lazy. I mean I wake up at like 8am everyday on my own so I honestly should just stop sitting around go out and brave the cold.
Also I had a small edit to my plan. The one meal a day thing didn't happen mostly because of me waking up so early everyday (because my sleep cycle is trolling me) so for the past week I've been having like 2 eggs in the morning  or 2 packets of oatmeal. So it's like an extra 140-260 cals. *shrugs* The cafeteria has been greatly aiding in my endeavors because everything over there is inedible. I'm not kidding, I'm a vegetarian so everything with meat is already off the table. Then they do things like have spinach potato latkes which I initially thought were innocent until I looked up at the little nutrition signs they have and saw that those things were 500 cals a piece!!!! O_O They were so small like smallish pancake. So I basically ran away from them. All of the veg entrees have been like that lately, like so weird that they wouldn't even be worth the cals they have! So I have been living off of a plate that is half pasta and half salad. Is it balanced? Nope. Do I give a damn? Nope. As long as I get skinny and I can claim that I'm being semi-healthy about it I could care less.
So basically that has been my food life. As for real ex STILL apparently wants to get back together even though it's not gonna happen. We were supposed to marathon Game of Thrones because we are apparently the only people on earth who haven't watched it yet and he basically started making out with me in an attempt to get me back. It's really annoying because when I look at him I don't see us romantically at all. Even thinking about kissing him or whatever is a thought that slightly puts me off to be honest. It's only when he's actually kissing me that it seems alright, but as soon as it stops it's back to non-romanticness. I don't know if that makes any sense but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. Also all of this "I will make you love me" approach is not the way to get me back. I am a girl that is seduced from the mind. Once you get my thoughts, you've got me. If I sit around all day replaying conversations we had and laughing to myself, lighting up when we text, and if I start doing nice things for you then I like you. I've never been someone physical. I mean I was a virgin until I was 19 I can live without physical contact haha. So basically ever since that episode he's kinda angry at me because I just stopped dealing with the issue of getting back together. I've told him three times already since we broke up, I'm not gonna sit around and keep telling him like he's a child.  We have this antagonistic interaction now and I'm like whatever.
Hopefully all of this fades away, and all of the awkwardness leaves soon, because it's spilling over into my friendship with the friend who wound up kissing me that one night (the one that was friends with the ex first?). Like we used to get along so well and now it's just weird. Almost like he's driving me away, but he's not. I guess he's forcing distance between us, and I don't really like it. I don't even want to get together with him. I don't want to hook up, I mean I just want to go back to being friends like we were and he's just NOT LETTING IT HAPPEN DAMMIT.
Whatever, we'll see how this pans out. Until next time,
Scarlet ^_^
Sam: I saw your comment but for some reason it's not on the blog. Thank you! :) and basically all of the brat pack movies, I love them all ^_*

Sunday, January 13, 2013

We're All Pretty Bizzare

"We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all. "
                                                                               --Andrew Clark, The Breakfast Club
Yes, I'm watching 80's movies. 
Anyways, I moved back to campus yesterday and even went shopping for groceries. Pretty healthy stuff honestly. Considering that I went with my friend (a guy, I'd identify him but I have so many friends that are guys you all would just get lost if I tried to pinpoint them. Let's leave it at I'm not involved with him, I don't like him that way, and he's pretty cool) I didn't get anything really crazy. I got oatmeal, eggs, pasta, frozen veggies, popcorn, some frozen pizza, and ice cream. Everything up to the pizza and ice cream is okay. However, the ice cream is gone, it was a pint, but I don't feel terrible about it because I actually ate it over two days, which is a miracle. Never have I ever only eaten half a pint of ice cream when the other half is accessible and I won't even be judged for eating it. I'm actually slightly proud. The pizza I haven't cooked, but I fully expect it to serve as four days worth of total calories. You know, cut it into four and that one piece is it for the day, probably around like 500 cal but eh it will be a while until I eat it. I know it sounds strange for me to be proud at all of anything dealing with things like this but I mean normally I would just abuse myself about it and feel bad, but then do it again. Because inside all of us is some rebellious little twat that gets off on doing things that it shouldn't. Admit it, even though you know it's wrong, you get a thrill when you cheat on a diet. Things are always better when they are denied, somehow they are more enjoyable. I've realized that all of that thrill that I would shove down under a pile of barraging insults resulted in a vicious cycle that made me fat with low self esteem. All self inflicted. So no, I'm not going to go out and buy more ice cream anytime soon, I don't even want to, but I also see that I have made some progress in controlling how I eat and it's not a lusty relationship going on. :)
I cooked myself dinner today, it was pretty meh just some pasta with cannelli beans. And I had some popcorn, which is also gone now (sigh tiny bags). I'm not going out to shop anymore so it's pretty much when stuff is gone, it's gone for good. 
Sadly, I have no idea what I weigh because I took ONE BATTERY out of my scale so it wouldn't keep turning on when I packed it and I left the damn battery at home. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I look skinnier though. Oh and I was right, Mother Nature was at my door, same day I wrote my last post lol. Therefore, when it's finally over I'll be even lighter and better looking!! 
I know I look a lot better than I did when I left for winter break because I saw my friends today that I see normally but haven't seen at all over break because they all left the country, and they were all so nice and complimentary! Like my one friend who normally hates when I attack with hugs took one look at me and it's all "oh give me a hug blah blah blah" he did the same thing when I was leaving too. Mhmm. Then these other guys I know (more outlier types I don't know them that well) all of a sudden act like I exist. They must have asked me about break fifty million times and just randomly calling my name for no reason at all. Strange. Weirder even more this other guy I know (who's gf lives on my dorm floor) ran into me going up the stairwell while he was coming out of it about to go down the hall to his gf's room was all "You look very lovely today," and like held the stairwell door for me...*eyebrow raise*. So apparently all the changes I've noticed are not all in my head. All I have to do is keep it up, keep pushing, just keep getting thinner and it all gets better.
Here we go.
Scarlet ^_^
PS: My roommate is slightly less strange, and I'm hanging with the bff tomorrow instead because she forgot she had to go to a bday party today. Sigh silly girl lol

Tuesday, January 8, 2013


Okay so apparently my weight is going up by like a pound a day. >.< BUT I haven't been eating anything of consequence so therefore it must be water weight which probably means mother nature is going to visit me soon. I swear it's always when I get really into a serious weight loss mode that she shows up!!! So whatever.
However, it should be noted that I look skinny as hell (I mean not really but comparitively). Like seriously my abs have sucked in, my hips and legs went down, and my back is sitting straighter too. I don't understand it, but I'll take it. I guess squats, lunges, and push-ups are magical too.
Anyways, I'm packing up my life again, moving back onto campus on Friday! Hooray, another 4 months with the strangest roommate to roam the land. On the brightside, I get to hangout with my bff on Saturday, haven't seen her since I left campus around mid december. No doubt she's going to want to eat and complain about her life but I'll try to get her to go downtown so we can walk around some at least. Maybe I just won't eat anything on Friday...I'm not sure. I mean the caf doesn't open till Monday (I think?) so no pressure there and I don't have any food in my room. But it may look odd to my roommate if I don't go shopping at all. But if I go shopping there's food around....GAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'll figure that out later.
It's a short update today, gonna just go spend the last days with my parents and watch movies! Pitch Perfect is next on our list!
"You're gonna get pitch-slapped so hard your man-boobs are gonna concave!"
Scarlet ^_^

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Dodging Bullets

You know what's the most dangerous thing about being friends with all guys? That they eat ALL THE TIME. Like seriously it's ridiculous. Every four hours they're all like "Dude I'm starving," and I'm thinking you have no idea what starving is. But apart from that, they never get fat. It's like in every guy are like three other people. Sigh.
Girls are awesome, they never want to bring up food. I mean with the exception of my best friend, she brings up food all the time, but she doesn't count haha.  Too bad I don't get along with girls too well. I am stuck with these guys...
As you're probably figuring, this has something to do with me hanging out with my friend who's a model yesterday. Well it turned into me hanging out with that friend and our other friend (also a guy). It was all fine but literally as soon as we all met up it was like "I'm so hungry let's get food." It was 2:30 in the afternoon...I wouldn't normally eat for another 5 hours! But FINE. So we go to the mall and hit up this place where I get like an open bowl burrito. Black beans, not refried (god forbid), brown rice, grilled veggies,etc. It was a decent choice and I drank water to boot. The only thing I didn't expect was to hang out with them SO LONG. I didn't go home until 10pm. And around 6 they wanted to go see a movie which meant they wanted to go get MORE FOOD before the movie because the theatre food is too expensive. Insert Subway. I had a six inch veggie patty sandwich again with water, so decent but you know, not what I wanted to do with my food for the day. On the brightside we walked around a lot. So yay for small victories.
The last death nail for my day was when my parent's picked me up. I had an absolutely vicious headache. It felt like my brain was going to explode or something. I think it was because the mall food had a lot of salt most likely, because I started getting it after that and then it just started building up, so by the end of the night I was one step from death. I told my parents and instead of giving me aspirin or something, they say I need to settle my stomach so they buy me a milkshake. OH WHAT THE FUCK. I only drank half of it, but by that point my head was STILL killing me AND I felt fat as hell. Yippee.
I got home, managed not to collapse on my way up the stairs (I'm not kidding, this was like a full blown migraine), ran to my advil, popped three of them, and collapsed into bed with my misery at 10:30pm. Yup that's right, I ate all of that food and then let my body go completely inactive for 8 hours. I woke up this morning and I considered avoiding the scale. I mean why depress myself? But if there is one thing I am not, it is a wimp. I never shy away from the truth.
So I walked over to my scale and weighed myself....I nearly did a backflip. Half a pound up. HALF A POUND. That's like nothing. I mean really, that's basically just a bit of water retention! YAAAAAAAY!!!!!
Today is a good day. It's like 8:30am right now, so I'm just sipping water and browsing the internets. I fully intend to be awesome today, as always haha.
Also even though it's magical, I may have to stop jumping parents keep on complaining about how old our house is and how I might be damaging it. On top of that my mom keeps saying how my hair keeps turning into a mess all the time (I have my hair straightened and intense sweat is not my friend) and that she has to keep redoing it. Seeing that I have to go back to campus in less than a week is not comforting because she's only gonna do my hair like every two weeks once I go back. My life, sigh. So I'm going to do strength training (crunches, squats, lunges, push-ups, planks) and then once I get back to campus I'll go to the gym and walk on the treadmills. That should be low sweat and burn about the same calories if I do it for long enough. All I have to do is wake up at a reasonable time to go to the gym because on mondays and wednesdays I don't have class until 1:50. Tuesdays and thursdays I have class at 10am and 3:15pm so maybe I'll fit it in in between those two, and then fridays, I have nothing at all. I think saturday and sunday I'll just chill out because honestly I don't want to see my friends in the gym. It sounds silly but meh it annoys me to work out around people I know.
So that's my day, hope you guys are doing awesome and thanks for all the support!
Scarlet ^_^
PS: I changed from doing a heart in my sign-off because apparently blogger thinks it's html. *Shrugs*

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Lucky 13

Happy New Year!!!!!!!

Sorry for the hiatus, finals were cuh-razy and I pretty much spent the last month of my life alternating between drinking with my friends, dealing with the holidays, and showing my bed some MAJOR love. On the bright side, all of that has actually resulted in some pounds disappearing! So far since December 18, I am down about 5 lbs. That is credited mostly to the fact that I have been so sleepy lately and I got sick so my bed has been my chill spot haha.
Let's see, as far as school I ended up with a 3.0 GPA, but my grades are literally A, B, and C so just under the wire there. Still have to retake the class that I got a C in because it's a major class that I have to get a B in for it to count *sigh*. But I mean, whatever I'll just kick ass this Spring.
I have high hopes for this year, I can feel it. This is it. It has to be. Since I am someone that believes in destiny and life sending me signs, when I look at this year I see something that reflects on me. 2013. Firstly, I just turned 20 so that part is kinda significant. And 13 is a traditionally unlucky number and for something good to happen with it would be an anomaly. Anomaly should be my middle name. Nothing in my life ever makes logical sense. Every relationship has some crazy facet to it. Nothing is ever cut and dry simple. EVER. Trust me on this. Example:  I broke up with my ex because our relationship was deteriorating. Fine. I wound up crushing on his best friend (who's my friend too, but I met him through my ex). Okay. Somehow I wind up telling this friend that I like him, but sadly he doesn't like me back. FIIIIIIIIIIINE, whatever, life goes on. Jump forward into the winter break where my friends and I all get together drinking and just being young and crazy. My ex is going to Texas for break but he was bugging me about getting back together, so I take like 45 minutes in the dorm hallway telling him that even though I value our friendship we can't get back together, in all of my tipsy splendor. Fast forward to the end of the night when I am waaaay too tipsy so I ask my ex's best friend (who is self proclaimed to be sobered up) to walk me back to my room. We get to my room, he tucks me in my bed and sits there for a while staring at me. My pupils are dilated, my voice is much higher than normal, and there's a certain vulnerability  about me as I fitfully cover up in the sheets with debilitated coordination. In short, I might as well have been an innocent adorable kitten. Insert me blindly reaching out and using his muscular body as a pillow and my fate has been sealed: he leans down and full on kisses me. Like REALLY kisses me. I don't know why, and at the time I really didn't care, it was awesome.
How does this even happen!?!?!?! So as you can see, if you look up anomaly in the dictionary there should be a picture of me next to it. If that's the case, then in a year that's unlucky, my life should be looking up! Therefore my goals (SKINNY PLEASE) should be achieved, and that is the attitude I'm taking. This is the year to kick ass and do anything I put my mind to, no time to waste.
You knew there was going to be one.
1) Jump rope everyday

It's crazy but I started jumping rope on Jan 1st and I have to say it's fucking magical. I can feel my legs,   abs, and even my pesky flabby arms toning. Like seriously, it's amazing. And I suck at jumping rope to boot. I was one of those terribly unfortunate children that missed the hand-eye coordination giveaways. So if I get these results while being horrible, you know it's good. I can do about 20 reps before I swat myself and stop, and then I rest and restart within like a minute. I haven't timed it but that's my estimate. Then I do this for about 30-45 minutes. It's an excellent workout and I can do it indoors (even though my parents think I'm going to crash through the floor one of these days haha).

2) Only eat dinner

This one is mostly for convenience and the fact that I have basically been doing this all break and I'm down in weight, so it's doing something. When I say dinner I'm obviously not talking about a food fest. I'm thinking like 500 cals. Like I'll have eggs with oatmeal. Or light noodles with salad. Something sensible. Lately I've been eating around 7pm or so, but once the semester starts that will probably move up to like 5 or 5:30p, because the caf has the most ridiculous dinner hours. 4:30-7...really? What are we, senior citizens? But whatever, I'll deal with it.

Also with this, I only get one plate of food at the caf. Half of it must be salad, then a quarter whatever seemingly innocent entree they have, and a quarter like yogurt with fruit or something. Simple enough.

3) Water, Water, Water

Aiming for 2L a day. I have a water bottle, only have to drink 2 of them! :) I think it makes my skin better and helps the ole metabolism.


I am a nationally recognized night owl. It is not uncommon for me to still be awake at 4am in the morning. 2am is the regular bedtime. I think I will attempt to be in bed by 2am every night. My earliest class is 10 am so I'll get like 7 hours of sleep minimum. I think a lot of my issues came from staying up too late, getting hungry, and eating straight up junk. Not good for the body at all.

I think that's about it, I should be able to make some major ground with this. It makes sense, it's not too crazy, and it will never raise anyone's suspicions. Luckily (sadly?) my parents are super supportive of anything I do regarding weight loss. ANYTHING. They'd probably worry if I were a lot skinnier, but I guess my body has enough fat to support itself haha.
Speaking of, I don't think I'll be eating tomorrow. My friend, who used to be an Abercrombie and Fitch model (this boy is adorbs), randomly asked to hang out on Friday. Considering that I have not been on my best behavior on the weight thing this past semester I feel it necessary to give myself a bit of a boost since I don't have much time. *shrugs*
Also I have 3 goals events for the spring semester:
1) Organizational Conference:
In March I have a conference with my engineering organization. CAREER FAIR PEOPLE. I need an internship, and people are more likely to hire you if you're smart and pretty. :)
2) Spring Formal:
So I definitely have to be amazing for this. It's in mid-April and it's a big deal to me. I had lovely pictures from last year (ha) where I was like 30 lbs less than I am now *tears* and my date was gorgeous *more tears*. I want better than those. And to do that I will need to be skinny. And find a date, but screw the date, if I'm skinny enough I will be happy just to bring a mirror!!
3) Graduation (not mine):
So a bunch of my friends graduated this semester and left the country :( BUT they will be back in May for graduation! I fully intend to take enough pictures to make an instagram blow up and I want to look good in them. Also just being able to see the shock on my friend's faces will be awesome!!

And finally, as always, I'm doing it for myself. :)

Comments! People are here!!! Thanks for all the support guys and I will follow you guys' blogs ASAP, thanks for listening to my crazy thoughts.
Scarlet <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">