Monday, November 30, 2009

You Can Have It All...

Anything you want you can make it yours, anything you want in the world, anything you want in the world...
Give It Up To Me by Shakira

Honestly, she couldn't be more right. I'm back from my short hiatus, I wanted to say I really did something before I came back.
My thanksgiving was a tad unpleasant. I ate a lot, but that was expected. No, what went wrong was when I was about to go to sleep, I felt hella guilty and chugged 24 oz of straight black coffee, popped some laxies (god the stash is dwindling) and went to bed. I have to pee about two hours later so I get up and go to the bathroom. I feel queasy. Wind up topping off my night by tossing my thanksgiving dinner in the toilet in a most unconventional way. I don't think I'll EVER contemplate purging again. I swear the thought won't dare to cross my mind.
The overall damage for thanksgiving was 4.5lbs, putting me at a scary 234.5 so I liquid fasted on saturday and sunday and today. I was 229 this morning. I can't fast tomorrow, I'm at school too late, so I am starting a new plan!! And don't we all love new plans!
The one day one can diet:
Bfast: half of a can of whatever you like(I'm doing fruit)
Lunch: ummm coffee or something? Juice?
Dinner: other half of the can
So it's a liquid fast with a TINY bit of wiggle room so not to go crazy. Then on saturdays and sundays I'm going to attempt water fasts that will most likely turn into liquid fasts which is fine by me. since studying how my body reacts to certain amounts of food, I should lose at least a pound a day m-f, and about two pounds a day on sat and sun. That's at MINIMUM nine pounds a week. I'll probably be around eleven. I can be 195 by christmas if I act nice. Possibly 180 by the time I go back to uni on january 12.
Oh yeah, it's go time.
Scarlet <3

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Well, well, well, if it isn't thanksgiving!

Where have you been for the past year?? Oh yeah, planning my waistline's demise. So tomorrow is thanksgiving. I am not happy as there is a TON of shit in the house, but I planned for it. I completed a 24hr fast (barely) before caving for samples and eventually dinner. I said I couldn't celebrate thanksgiving until AFTER a fast. Secondly, I am only giving myself thursday and friday to eat to contentness, not go crazy, but have fun, and then attempt a 48hr fast for saturday and sunday. It's also that time of the month so my weight is fucked up (thanks SO much), but I'm not too bad.
In other news I got my straight black instant coffee, but it tastes like awful. I mean it. So I bought fancy liquid creamer. Gonna try to limit cals on it and resist drinking the creamer straight (bad, BAD, habit of mine). Okay, so I am off to bed, gotta wake up early to see the Macy's thanksgiving day parade!!
XOXO love bugs and happy thanksgiving!!!
Scarlet <3
P.S.: though I am not 215 or 200 like I wanted, I am thankful I am not 242 or 232, or in the 230s at all. I am thankful my new mindset (to be explained in next post) will only drive me to be thinner. I am thankful the semester is almost over so I can start my 12 day fast and be thin for christmas. These are the things I am thankful for. Remember to count the blessings girls!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Too much of a good BAD

Hey guys!
So here's a mastercard comparison for ya:
Getting what you want: nine laxitives
Getting too much of what you want: priceless.
Yeah so the laxies worked TOO well. Let's just say I am glad I am a resonably fit and athletic person because I was running to the bathroom all day.
On the bright side I was 226 today so that made me very, very happy. Hopefully I'll make 225 tomorrow. I am STILL working on this stupid term paper and don't have a word on the page. I really need to buckle down. Lol.
Summer: I agree, kidney beans ARE nature's laxies, lol.
Mina: don't be so hard on yourself, we all make mistakes.
I hope all of you are well and skinny!
Scarlet <3

Thursday, November 19, 2009

When I'm Smiling, I'm Alive

Hey guys,
so yesterday i had the strangest binge ever: Kidney Beans. I kid you not. I was making dinner for me and my dad so i cracked open a can of beans to cook. Goya  Kidney Beans to be exact. so anyway, i opened it and i tasted a few. then more, and more, until suddenly the whole can was gone. i mean GONE! 630 cals, that dissapeared through my fingers. yowza. then i ate dinner, and went to go pick up my mom, etc, etc. no more food for the night. oh btw, i took some laxies at 7pm and when i woke up this morning the same weight stared up at me: 227.5 i have to admit i am a little happy that i didn't gain. i ate light today, almost a 24 hour fast, about 21hrs. i ate at 4:30pm. i ate two oranges and a 126cals "wife cake" i gave away the other one. then i went to whole foods and had a light dinner. i feel good. hope i get to 226 tomorrow. please, please! i've been doing well lately, and now i am almost at finals week and after that i can relax and starve as much as i want. sleep all day from famine and no one will care. well, they will, but i just won't be around.
well, i will update you guys tomorrow and hello to new followers, welcome to the blog, and feel free to share suggestions or ideas!!!
Scarlet <3

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

If I Could Turn Back Time...

Hey Guys,
so i am back down to 227.5, plan to lose more today. i am sick of this number. you know i've been thinking lately about all the chances i've had to change and be the girl i always wanted to be, even the so called healthy way. I've had at least a good three or four years where i could've done something. anything, and be skinny by now. you know i've NEVER been asked out on a date and i've been eligible since i turned 16. that's highly depressing, and i just wish i could turn back time and slap myself multiple times.
I mean, not for being fat or anything because that can happen to anyone, but the not caring part. the laziness, the lack of effort. I always said oh, well as long as i go to church, be mannerable, get straight A's an be personable i'm fine, that's good enough. it's not good enough. it's a far cry. i've have chopped my self-esteem down so far by not tending to my weight. i'm uncomfortable around people so most of the time they think i'm antisocial or snobby. the people who do know me adore me, but i need to be more outgoing, but i can't as long as i'm fat, and ppl never want to talk to the fat girl anyway. trust me i kno. for example, at the beginning of this semester the guy who sits next to me in polisci, EK, i tried talking multiple times, but he just engaged only when i engaged and that's it. no see you next class or what's up when he came in. now that i've lost about fifteen pounds, he's much more talkative. not entirely, but a helluava lot more than before. it's amazing how shallow people are.
So I am going to be honest here because it's the best way to be. i wasn't able to fast yesterday because i forgot my dad likes to go out and eat or whatever when he picks me up late from school. so i wound up eating at around six pm. not too bad and i still got the weight off. i had a curry tofu salad so i didn't feel completely awful. i have noticed a pattern about myself  though:
If i aim to eat normal i binge
if i am to restrict i eat normal
if i try to fast (juice or water) i restrict so so well.
it's retarded (no offense to any retarded ppl). so everyday now i set out to do a liquid fast and throw myself into HW until my dad bugs me to make food or buys some for me. if i do this i should lose at least a pound a day (yes big ppl lose that much by just resticting).
 I also have fallen in love with a new concotion i came up with. i have these black soybean milk powder packets (i ran outta coffee and this is the only thing in the house) and they're 80 cals each. i mix  that with 8oz water and 8oz apple juice (120 cals) and it's a....fake protien shake!!! i also sometimes but in fiber. the whole thing comes to 200 cals for 16 oz. so i'm drinking that in the morning. I'm also going to get back to my workouts, i've been so busy lately i haven't had time for them.
BTW, Hi NEW FOLLOWERS!!! I hope you enjoy my blog! and thanks for all the encouragement about my christmas goal!
Scarlet <3

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Fatness?

How do you take a cloud and kill it???
Hey Guys, so i gained two pounds and i am not happy. so i am fasting today and plan to lose it, and watch my step. it was my fault really, i ate TWO meals yesterday and i cracked and attempted to make a weird egg/flour/sugar mix. i only ate half of that though, mostly because my teeth were on edge. see i have two cavaties and the sugar i used was palm sugar, which only comes in like small discus blocks. so i had to chew those up and then spit them out to use them in the batter. let me tell you: NOT ENJOYABLE!!!  I hate that i wasted my weight like that! any way, i am doing well, and am not worried about cracking. i have lots of HW to do today and will not have time for food.
I hope everyone is doing well, quite a lot of ppl have been on the blink lately....BTW does anyone know what happened to Jenny (AKA sorry_i_can't_be_perfect)??? I miss her comments and blog.
Anyway, off to work!!
Scarlet <3

Monday, November 16, 2009

Buy Your Tickets To The Gun Show...

Because i've got some muscles!
Hey Y'all,
the buffet went surprisingly well, i had fun. I was 227.5 on saturday, the day i went to the buffet, 229.5 on sunday, and back to 227.5 again today. it's amazing, last time i went to the buffet i gained 4.5pounds even after laxitives, and i couldn't get rid of it for at least a week. this time i only gained two and got rid of it in a DAY!!! OMG!! Apparently the strength training is working. so i lost 5 pounds this week and i am off to lose five more if i can, which will take me to a new low weight. if i keep this up i could be at 217.5 by thanksgiving. and if i watch my step, under 200 by christmas! Oh i am so excited!!!! I am off to work and such, got a term paper to write!
Scarlet <3

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Am I Living It Right?

I think so. I got my first "Help the eating disordered girl see the error of her ways" comment yesterday on  my "Happy Birthday" posting. I just want to let the commenter know in case they are reading this: I have nothing but love for you and I hope you continue your quest to help.
Here's the comment:
♥nervosa♥ said...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Woop-woop! lol.

Is that $20 your birthday money? cuz if so you should spend it on something nice for yourself! like a new dress :)

well, this is my new blog-
it's my way of spreading the idea of using creative therapies to treat eating disorders.
If you check it out- thank you! and if you like it- follow it!
November 10, 2009 3:11 PM
I almost laughed when I read it because ya, it's a little crazy to go buy laxies with birthday money and y didn't I buy something nice? And then I remembered I'm too fat to buy something nice. I'll buy new cloths when the ones that I have look ridiculously big on me.
I have a bit of a crisis. On saturday I am going to see my cousins and mi aunt, which is great, but at a BUFFET. Arrrrggggh!!!! So I have to lose at least five pounds to be sure that I won't get an unfixable gain. The only way to do this is coffee, starving and laxies. BTW mina, when I get some cash I'll buy the zero cal instant coffee crystals. Can't take sugarfree stuff, equal and things like it make you lose your memory!
Scarlet <3

Monday, November 9, 2009

Back to Basics

Hey Guys!
So my bday went well. I guess i shouldn't say well because i had a huge gain, but well because i had fun. Anyway, in other news i got my laxies. a 90 pack. will i abuse them? Probably. ever since i ran outta laxies it's been hard to keep my weight under control so i am going with what works. these should last me at least 2 months. if they don't i know i have a serious problem and most likely need help.
I got my psych exam back and i got a 92.5 on it so i am very, very happy. gotta chemical engineering exam to take weds, but i have a good feeling about it.
All i've had today so far is a cup of carrot juice and some coffee. oh, i forgot to mention i bought ready made packs of coffee. only 85 cal each and i'm limiting myself to 2 per day. i want the caffeine affects, not the cals. it's pretty strong too. so i am going to keep going without a plan and see what happens. also i was reading an old Shape magazine and it said that when you talk about what you want to do like a fast or something proclaiming how much you're going to do it you're more likely to fail. interesting. so i won't be telling you guys about my plans until i do them. :)
Okay, off to be skinny!
Scarlet <3

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Happy Birthday To Me

Hey guys,
so today is my birthday!!! I have no idea what i weigh and i don't care. last time i checked i was 226. oh well. I had cake and scallop massmun curry and all the bad things i never have. but i am just going to start eating for need only. like if i have a quiz or an exam i can eat a little something beforehand, but nothing afterwords. and on days when i have nothing to do i eat nothing as mi body doesn't need the energy and i'll workout as much as possible. no plans, no end dates this time. no slip ups. okay i can't guarantee no slip ups but the good will sure as hell outweigh the bad.
I got twenty bucks today and i am truly thinking about buying some laxies. i need them. i really can't deal with teas and i like the consistency of laxies. so i am going to use ten bucks on laxies.
JH wished me a happy birthday on facebook today. hmmm...not sure how to feel about that.
Scarlet SEVENTEEN! <3

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

"It's been a long time!"

Those were his first words to me after getting mi attention. After not seeing or talking to me since may, those were his first words. Gee.
I ran into JH today, and to be honest there wasn't any face/voice recognition at first. He's been so far removed from my mind. I actually felt fat, like I wasn't thin enough to see him yet. I was supposed to be under 200 by now, but we all know I'm a far cry from that. I was unintentionally aloof with him, mostly because I didn't want to talk. I felt like crying when I saw him. All of that anger and hurt I smashed down over the past months were bubbling dangerously close to the surface. So I put on a mask, played the game. I always thought he'd rejected (ignored, used, whatever you wanna call it) me because I was so fat. But I've lost so much weight and I still don't feel rite. Everytime I see him it still feels like I'm being rejected all over again.
Where is my gloat moment?? When can I glee in his face that I am thin and beautiful and he can't have me? When will I not have to run to the bathroom to make sure I didn't look like the blob in my outfit? The only way to fix this is to starve. I feel unfit for food, unfit for celebration, unfit for anything really. I'm still not 219 and I really don't think I'm going to get there by my bday. Ugh, saturday why do you come so soon? Gotta go.
Scarlet Disenchanted <3

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Thanks So Very Much....

Hey Y'all!!!!
So i am back down, and i am sitting pretty at 224.5. I am positively euphoric because i am so close to a new low weight and it's only tuesday, which means i won't be able to fuck it up before i get there!!! Precisely the reason why i (attempted) to start my fast on saturday because the screw ups wouldn't be hard to fix. so i am doing well and still starving. i ran outta apple juice today, so this mite turn into a water fast after all. we'll see if my dad will spring for some more juice. we'll see.

I had my polisci presentation today and i smoked it. i had stage presence and affability, i was in control and knowledgable about mi country (i picked japan). it was an amazing feeling.
so i am going to go and work some more and study for mi psych exam that's tomorrow. i can't wait until this semester is over so i can move without having to think about the gazillion things ii have to do!!!
Scarlet <3

Monday, November 2, 2009

Impossible? I'Mposssible!

Hey guys,
so my plan didn't go, well, as planned. My mom countinued her b-day celebration through saturday and sunday. i took a ton on punishment.
Mom went to tasty thai restaurant and had basil seafood and my dad had sweet and sour shrimp while I sipped on a smoothie. Then they proceeded to eat custard and coconut icecream in my face. Lovely.
Fam goes to whole foods where they eat basil feta cheese pizza in front of me while I sip an odwalla protien monster. Then my dad is eating chocolate covered malt balls on top of everything.
Later on my mom makes her version of massamun curry cucumber with rice. Damn it. I LOVE massamun curry. It's what I imagine sex would be like if I ever have it. So I caved and ate some, felt like shit and proceeded to eat three snack cake esque things, like seven small cookies, and about 4 oz of coconut ice cream. Oh I wanted to purge. I even went to the bathroom, but I just sat on top of the toliet and tried to calm myself down while my body traitorously had some of the food start to come up, but I forced it back down. I thankfully only gained a pound so I still have a net loss since starting this fast of one pound.
Sophia, I tried to do the water fast thing but my mom was on me like white on rice to drink juice no matter how much I try to avoid her. Can't have the parents make me just "diet and exercise". Gag.
I did go see This Is It yesterday and it was amazing. I HIGHLY reccomend it.
Okay so I am back to fasting again, no cheating this time! Gotta be 219!!! That's my new goal for mi bday. Though I am sure I will proceed to fuck it up on my bday, I don't care. One day won't make a diff in the grand scale as I go rite back to fasting the day after the bday.
Get thin!
Scarlet <3