Wednesday, November 4, 2009

"It's been a long time!"

Those were his first words to me after getting mi attention. After not seeing or talking to me since may, those were his first words. Gee.
I ran into JH today, and to be honest there wasn't any face/voice recognition at first. He's been so far removed from my mind. I actually felt fat, like I wasn't thin enough to see him yet. I was supposed to be under 200 by now, but we all know I'm a far cry from that. I was unintentionally aloof with him, mostly because I didn't want to talk. I felt like crying when I saw him. All of that anger and hurt I smashed down over the past months were bubbling dangerously close to the surface. So I put on a mask, played the game. I always thought he'd rejected (ignored, used, whatever you wanna call it) me because I was so fat. But I've lost so much weight and I still don't feel rite. Everytime I see him it still feels like I'm being rejected all over again.
Where is my gloat moment?? When can I glee in his face that I am thin and beautiful and he can't have me? When will I not have to run to the bathroom to make sure I didn't look like the blob in my outfit? The only way to fix this is to starve. I feel unfit for food, unfit for celebration, unfit for anything really. I'm still not 219 and I really don't think I'm going to get there by my bday. Ugh, saturday why do you come so soon? Gotta go.
Scarlet Disenchanted <3

1 comment:

  1. I keep thinking about how my ex would think of me as well.... now I'm a lot different than the girl he once knew.