so i am back down to 227.5, plan to lose more today. i am sick of this number. you know i've been thinking lately about all the chances i've had to change and be the girl i always wanted to be, even the so called healthy way. I've had at least a good three or four years where i could've done something. anything, and be skinny by now. you know i've NEVER been asked out on a date and i've been eligible since i turned 16. that's highly depressing, and i just wish i could turn back time and slap myself multiple times.
I mean, not for being fat or anything because that can happen to anyone, but the not caring part. the laziness, the lack of effort. I always said oh, well as long as i go to church, be mannerable, get straight A's an be personable i'm fine, that's good enough. it's not good enough. it's a far cry. i've have chopped my self-esteem down so far by not tending to my weight. i'm uncomfortable around people so most of the time they think i'm antisocial or snobby. the people who do know me adore me, but i need to be more outgoing, but i can't as long as i'm fat, and ppl never want to talk to the fat girl anyway. trust me i kno. for example, at the beginning of this semester the guy who sits next to me in polisci, EK, i tried talking multiple times, but he just engaged only when i engaged and that's it. no see you next class or what's up when he came in. now that i've lost about fifteen pounds, he's much more talkative. not entirely, but a helluava lot more than before. it's amazing how shallow people are.
So I am going to be honest here because it's the best way to be. i wasn't able to fast yesterday because i forgot my dad likes to go out and eat or whatever when he picks me up late from school. so i wound up eating at around six pm. not too bad and i still got the weight off. i had a curry tofu salad so i didn't feel completely awful. i have noticed a pattern about myself though:
If i aim to eat normal i binge
if i am to restrict i eat normal
if i try to fast (juice or water) i restrict so so well.
it's retarded (no offense to any retarded ppl). so everyday now i set out to do a liquid fast and throw myself into HW until my dad bugs me to make food or buys some for me. if i do this i should lose at least a pound a day (yes big ppl lose that much by just resticting).
I also have fallen in love with a new concotion i came up with. i have these black soybean milk powder packets (i ran outta coffee and this is the only thing in the house) and they're 80 cals each. i mix that with 8oz water and 8oz apple juice (120 cals) and it's a....fake protien shake!!! i also sometimes but in fiber. the whole thing comes to 200 cals for 16 oz. so i'm drinking that in the morning. I'm also going to get back to my workouts, i've been so busy lately i haven't had time for them.
BTW, Hi NEW FOLLOWERS!!! I hope you enjoy my blog! and thanks for all the encouragement about my christmas goal!