Guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty, GUILTY. I like that word. I also hate it, because I hate being it.
Well, I made it until 5pm without food yesterday. I had about 280 cals of crackers and an apple. I did not work out. Sorry. Today was not that great. I mean, it wasn't earth-shattering, no binges or anything. But guilt was definetly present. I started off with a tabbouleh (veggies and bulgar basically) pita. It was good. Then I had some pop chips (I swear I gave a third of the bag to my mom though), and I was happy. Mostly because I felt I'd done better than my dad (I'm competitive, so sue me), who had pop chips and a blondie (a white fudge brownie). Something else too but I didn't see what it was. Then we dropped my mom off at work and my dad wanted to go to Whole Foods. That was where the trouble was. He goes to the canned fruit isle and gets some stuff. Fine. Then he went to seafood and got some cocktail shrimp. Fine, this doesn't phase me. Then, THEN he goes to bakery. Shit. He proceeds to get a huge slab of carrot cake. With cream cheese icing. Shit, shit, shit. All my wires are firing. I want something sweet. I don't want to get fat. I see A tomorrow. But thinking of A didn't completely save me this time. I made a trade off. I said: okay you can get something, but you must do the elliptical for like 90 mins. I got two muffins. A chocolate and a lemon poppyseed. I ate them (well I gave an eighth of the lemon to my dad). I felt okay after mental calculation of cals for the day (about 1500). I figured after exercise that would drop to about idk, 500? Then I got home late and had t do some stuff and I was all: I should get a head start on my school, I don't have time to work out. Then there was a second me in my head. Let's call her, hmm, Emma ( I like the name).
Emma: you bitch.
E: you lied to me. Oh let me eat this, I won't let you get fat!
Me: wtf...um, what the hell are you talking about?
E: you really hate me. You don't want me to get skinny, you want me trapped forever inside your squishy body. You don't want me to be happy. You don't want me to get A. You want me to be a sad loser. You don't want to work for it. That physics lab is easy as hell. You don't care about that shit. You're just lazy and hateful.
Me: *realizes this is good skinny me* I'm sorry! I just, I don't have time! I don't hate you! I love you! Shit I mean you're me! I love me!
E: correction, I COULD be you. But not if you keep screwing me over in our deals. I'll just stop making them with you and let you get fat.
Me: but then you'd get fat, you wouldn't do that.
E: I would get my rocks off tormenting you, so I totally would do that. Can you feel them?
Me: feel what?
E: the calories, spreading swiftly to your hips and ass.
Me: * unconsciously inspecting myself* umm, no?
E: of course not, but you'll see it in the morning when you look gross for your gluttony. Tsk, tsk, I knew you'd never make it.
Me: *getting angry and also feeling guilty* fuck off. I'll show you. I CAN make it. I WILL make it. I'll get everything I want in life. Starting with my workout.
Before I knew it I was changed into workout gear and on my way to my elliptical. I'm about 65mins in right now.
Also, A hasn't friended me yet, but I'm not panicking about it. It's not like I told him to friend me. He brought it up so I'm not going to stress. He'll do it. I'll see him tomorrow so it's all good.
Okay, I am off to finish my workout.
GTMS-Becca: haha, it is exciting. All I have to do is work on keeping momentum going. With everything. Starving, A, the whole gambit. :)
Charlie: LMAO, flirting queen, haha. Thanks for the encouragement.
Emily: I give you full credit!! The reward is...( Turns mysteriously)...a hug! *gives hug* thanks for the congrats!
Jen: ooohhh, I'm gonna get you now, lol. :) don't be mad, get even!!! Ah but thanks for the proudness babe. I know if I make you proud I'm doing something right! Xxxx
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