Well, what can I say, when the bottom falls out, I fall in. A didn't friend me on FB. I saw him last night in recitation and he didn't say anything about it. He didn't show up to the actual physics class though, so I tried to be kind of friendly and jokey even though I felt like he'd smattered my heart on the ground.
"Oh you know he covered like three chapters in class today," my professor normally makes it through half a chapter per class. Seriously, it was so obvious I was kidding (read: lying).
"Really? But I thought he was just going to cover the other half of resistors. You know, I wasn't in class today."
"Yes, I know," I had a slight, very slight snap to my voice. I was trying to control it, but I get really bitchy when I'm angry. " I'm joking, you're too serious!" I said in a light voice, which got a small laugh out of him. It didn't seem worth it. Then we talked about what we really did cover in class.
"We covered Resistors and, um, um, what was it?" And I am sitting up there thinking when SC comes out. I don't think I told you guys about SC. You remeber guy from orgo? Well, his name was C, but he was Irish. SC has the same name, but he's scottish. So SC is short for Scottish C. Btw, SC is fucking gorgeous. Just thought I'd tell you. And he's *another* one of my lab partners.
"SC, what was the other thing we went over in class today other than resistors?"
(In his accent)
"Um, idk, I was sleep most of the time." I wound up looking at my notes and telling A that the other thing was DC current. Then we all parted ways, pretty much. A went to the library, and SC and I went towards the back of the building where my dad was waiting to pick me up. I was smiling, but I was salty inside.
I wanted A. He's my type. He's cute but people might overlook him. He's this poetic and lyrical person, but somehow he's so charismatic. He's cool, but he's a total nerd at heart. I just thought everything was going so well.
SC is strikingly and amazingly gorgeous. And he's pretty cool. And he talks to me, but idk, I want him as a friend. Honestly.
Also, I basically got asked out to study dates from this guy who's in my physical chem and my fluid mechanics. His name is M and he's cool too. I mean, he's the consummate guy friend type though. He's not the guy you look at and think "ooh he's cute". He's okay. But I'm not thinking of him romantically.
I'm sooo depressed. Last night I felt like A had scooped out my heart with a spoon. I felt emotionally. Empty and all I had was sadness. I ate a half a bag of fritos flavor twists (I hate fritos!) And I stole a half a bottle of chardonnay and mixed it with a 1L bottle of orange juice. Oh yeah, this girl knows how to have a good time. I just wanted to fill the void. But I made it bigger, because my emotions came rushing to the surface. I cried. I talked to myself, analyzing A. I cursed A LOT. And then I fell into a rock like sleep. No hangover though, just kind of sleepy. So now I'm working to fill the void another way: with a different type of emptiness that will distract me from the real one. Yep, you guessed it: a depression fast starts today! (Feigning happiness) and it goes until monday (I have a midterm) or until something makes me happy. I don't even know if I'd be happy if A friended me on FB today, but idk, it prolly won't even happen.
Whatever. He hurt me. He made me sad. But as long as I'm starving, it doesn't seem all that bad. I want a different type of emptiness.