Hiding My Face

Don't look for me,
I'm hiding my face,
I live in the shadows,
Because I feel so out of place
I try to be perfect,
I try to acheieve,
I live like I'm golden,
With my heart on my sleeve
But in the middle of the night,
I cry my tears of agony,
Because I can't seem to get it right,
I'm not who I want to be
Just another silly girl
That's what they call me
But I push through the pain just to survive,
I know I'll fail but I have to try,
I need to feel alive
Don't look for me,
I'm hiding my face,
I live in the shadows,
Because I feel so out of place

I just wrote that, because it's how I feel. Out of place and a failure. I am absolutely bovine right now, up 3.8 pounds. I don't know what to do, I'm trying, trying, trying!!! I didn't get through my fast yesterday, but I didn't do badly on the food, I made it until around 5pm. I'm not going to get my money unless a miracle happens, but it's not even about that anymore. I just feel like a failure. I'm going to stay away from the scale, I seemed to be losing weight as long as I wasn't on it.
I did well on my physics test, I mean I don't know my score but I knew what I was doing. I saw A, but we didn't get a chance to talk. He's so cute with his dimples and braces (I have never seen anyone look cute w/braces and somehow he pulls it off and looks adorable). But what would he want with a girl like me. If I want the slightest bit of a chance of a date I have to push hard. Restrict,reduce, reject. I'm going to start eating clean when I do eat (read tosca reno's book). But I plan on not really eating. Just focus on school. And getting a job for the summer. Then maybe I'll wake up and be perfect.
I love you guys so much and appreciate you taking the time to encourage me even though I always seem to let you down. I can do better. I will be better. Watch me.
XOXO,
Scarlet <3