Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Next Time You Point A Finger, I'll Point You To The Mirror

Next time you point a finger, I might have to bend it back and break it, break it off, next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror
---- 'Playing God' by Paramore
Sooo, how to start this one? Well, yesterday I was doing ok, pretty down about my weight, watching the days tick off the calendar, my time to get thin and get paid running short. And then I made my dog pasta. No sauce because I didn't want to eat it, just salt and pepper. Unlucky for me, even that tasted amazing. And then I proceeded to eat about 500 cals worth of pasta. I hadn't eaten much, a ton of liquids mostly so I wasn't all that worried. Until, UNTIL I weighed myself. Stupid move. It was high and I knew that I was going to be fat today, but I decided I could fix my mistake. I calmly got up, grabbed an old toothbrush, and stuck the handle down my throat. Yeah. And after some of it came up I stopped and saw myself in my mind's eye. As all of you know, I am a stark advocate against purging; many times I have said that I would never purge and just take my lumps (no pun intended ha) and gain the weight. Yet here I was, perched over a toilet gagging myself.
"Shit Scarlet, what the hell are you doing?!?" I said to myself. I stepped away from the toilet, flushed and walked out the bathroom, shocked at what I'd done.
A bit of advice: if you have enough time to consider purging, don't do it. It made me feel so vulnerable and weak it wasn't funny. I felt like I'd lost control. So just don't. And if you do, find out what your trigger is, get rid of it and stop.
My trigger is the scale (obviously). So I am not going to weigh until tuesday. I am 223.8 today, would've been 224.4 if I hadn't purged but that's neither here nor there.
My new plan is to just avoid food. No more time limits, blah, blah, blah. It works, but I am not disciplined enough for it. So avoiding food all together is the plan. Right now I am chewing some gum that I just bought, as u have mastered not swallowing it (finally!).
Naomi: haha, thanks, I'm gonna use you as thinspo too!!!!
Scarlett (hahahaha): thanks so much for the encouragement :)
I will do this. I will starve, workout, and weigh-in on tuesday.
Punishments for weighing in early: I have to water fast (no gum, tea, anything with taste. Literally water) the next day with an hour and a half on the elliptical and jackie warner's entire 40min circut. That'll deff keep me OFF the scale, lol.
I hope you guys are doing better than me and thanks for all the sweet comments!!!
Scarlet <3<3


  1. I've had that moment...
    The toothbrush-down-the-throat, Jesus-what-am-I-doing moment. It sucks. It's like suddenly, you're exposed to how seriously you take this whole getting beautiful thing. Weeiirrdd.

    You've created a pretty fantasmic punishment, btw.
    I'm pretty sure I'd rather shoot myself than do that much working out without even the promise of some crystal light afterwards... :P

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  3. I agree with ~Naomi~. I never even thought about creating a punishment as motivation, you are a genius haha. Also, absolutely love that song by Paramore. I'm trying to create a mellow playlist for those times when I need just a little more of a push to stay away from the fridge and then I'm also trying to create one more upbeat for when I need a kick in the butt to start working out and push myself further, any suggestions? Sorry, haha that came out of nowhere >.< anyways, keep it up, your getting there! stay strong!!!! <3

  4. Oh Scarlet the avoiding food plan sounds good! I need to follow in your footsteps... Food really is the enemy... :(


    Lots of love x x x

    and i so agree with your comment about pruging, if you can do anythign to stop it, then you should because the easy way out is not always the right way out.
    the avoiding food plan sounds super good, and i wish you all the luck!
    love you <3
    ps. i'm happy tou like the 'I WILL DO IT'..instead of the 'SORRYY I CAN'T..' i felt it was timew for a change, i've gotta start beiliving in myself! haha
    :) XXXX