I'm Sure No One Cares

Hola,

I'm sure everyone I knew probably left. I'm sure that anyone who still looks at this could probably care less about what I have to say. Well I came here to speak my mind. When no one else is listening I can come here and scream as loud as I want.

Firstly, I love the optimism I had in my last post. Such a stupid girl. Normal. I practically choke on the word now. Sadly I think I was happier when I wasn't so normal. When I laid in the lining space between the two worlds.

Two years later and I realized something. In my attempt to get away from "the life" I forced every sane thought out of my head. Everything dealing with food was being "paranoid" and I ignored it. Well, well, it turns out it wasn't that much paranoia because the weight crept back. And even with my "normal" life I feel disoriented and unhappy. I have friends. Doesn't matter. I had a boyfriend (that I dumped like two weeks ago). Doesn't matter. I had sex for the first time. Empty. I graduated college without a job and wound up going for a PhD. My grades are not up to par. I moved out of my parents' house and on to campus. My roommate is a weirdo. My weight is up again. FAILURE.

Somehow, in the back of my mind I am always unhappy. I try to fill the void with parties and friends and boys and books, but none of it fits. None of it works. So here I am.

Back to the drawing board, but this time I won't be an idiot. If I want what I want then I have to work for it. And it won't be easy. Hell it might not even be quick. But it's better than nothing. Because nothing is killing me.

I guess I should have a short-term goal. Everyone needs one of those. I have a Spring Formal in April that I want to look bad ass for. So I guess I'll aim for that. Hooray. But honestly all I want to do is sit around, study, and drink water. Unfortunately for me that is not exactly possible at the moment. I have a meal plan at my school. OH GOD MEAL PLANS. I know, but on the brightside it's only 5 meals a week. Five all you "care" to eat meals a week. I already paid for it so I can't back out of it now. Sigh. However, I think I will just cut my meals in total to those. I'll just fast until 5pm on weekdays and then go to dinner. It's only until December 7th, then the whole carnival closes up shop for winter break. YAAAAAY. On days that I don't have any meals at the caf, I will just not have anything. My roommate doesn't know/doesn't care about what I eat. She is an extremely antisocial person (I don't mean doesn't like me, I mean antisocial) so she won't care that I'm not cooking in our apartment kitchen. I don't use it anyways. So it's time for ground rules:

1) Only 5 meals per week. Dinners in the Caf.

2) NO SPENDING MONEY ON FOOD.

3) Attempt exercise after finals/before going home

The second point is a big one. I am always spending money on stupid things though the day. It's so annoying. I know it's bad and I do it anyway. As I said, stupid girl. The only caveat to this is my best friend. She LOVES coming over my place and dragging me out to get food when she stays for any extended period of time. She is the reason I have had lunch T-Th all semester. So I think I will bend the rule slightly when it comes to her. I can buy stuff, but I'll just order something super low cal and pick at it as much as I can without her commenting. Thankfully finals are soon, and she will graduate this semester so she won't be an issue at all next semester. Everyone else I know doesn't care if I eat lunch or not. The only reason she cared was because she didn't want to be alone.

The third point. Well as I said, finals are coming up and due to me being daft all semester I need every second to study. God if I could only take the time back that I spent with my ex and put it towards studying. Sigh. So once finals are over, I have 10 blissful days of being on campus without my roommate, without a meal plan, and nothing to do. WORKOUT TIME!!! After those ten days then I'm going back home for Christmas and New Year's. Then back to school. So it's a short break, but I can do it. Once I get back to school all of the rules apply, and I have to workout everyday. I hate hate HATE the gym on campus, and also somehow every one of my guy friends loves going to the gym. >.<

It's small enough to induce claustrophobia. And there are mirrors everywhere. Showing you your failure. Showing how everything moves terrifyingly. SO if I go due to too much snow outside I'll go early morning. When all of my friends are sleeping. They all go at night so I can just hide from them. Once I'm better looking I'll consider going later in the day.

So I guess that's it. The re-introduction. God, it feels so familiar. The only thing to remind me that I ever left is the mirror. I actually feel happy now. I have a plan. A mission. A purpose.

It's weird how everything in life pales in comparison to something as small as weight. But somehow, it's the most important thing.

I'm baaaaaaaaaack.

XOXO,

Scarlet <3 div="div">