Meh

Hola,

My intake was not the best these past few days unfortunately, but I'm still down about half a pound, so I've got that going for me. I've been hungry all the time. Like ALL THE TIME. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to start my period soon so that is probably the reason. I would know exactly when I'm supposed to start but my stupid doctor wound up making me miss a month of birth control because she wouldn't refill my prescription until I had an appointment. Sigh.

Also I know you guys were asking about my parents liquid fast. Honestly I had no real idea what they were doing since I hadn't been home in a while. But when I saw them they didn't look much skinnier and I was totally confused since I know if I stop eating solids for 45 days I would shrink super fast. It turns out they are just blending stuff? Like they were buying beans and pita chips, and when I gave them that WTF face they were all oh we just put them in the blender and then drink it. Yes, you read that right. Put can of beans and a bunch of pita chips in a blender and drink it. Voila liquids! No. No. No. If I put a pizza in a blender and drink it that doesn't make it a liquid. Honestly they would be better off just eating whatever they are blending normally. And to think they almost made me feel bad for not being on their diet with them even though "I need it." On top of that my mom didn't even agree with me that my friend was being a jerk when she commented on my weight. She told me that "perhaps she was trying to be a friend and it's just a touchy subject with you. Your weight has gone up in jumps in between the times she sees you so maybe it scared her and this was her way of getting you to slow down." WAT. Is she fucking kidding me? It's shit like this. This is why I have an eating disorder (weight up or down my relationship with food is not normal). Because anyone can step all over me and treat me like dirt because I'm fat. It's acceptable. I don't get back up on anything ever. I'm never good enough no matter what I do as long as I am fat I am sub-human.  They even said something along these lines when I was early into my relationship with my boyfriend. His ex is a 3rd year in my major and I happen to be her TA from time to time because I'm a PhD Candidate. I'm her age, probably a couple of months younger actually, and I'm way prettier and well liked. When I was comparing myself to her in a conversation with my parents, they said yeah I have all this stuff that I'm better than her at, but even so she can still talk about me to people and call me fat. And people will giggle with her because she is slim. WAT. That is always my reaction. They even said my roommate (who is my friend and genuinely nice) probably talks about me with her mom about how fat I am since my roommate is a stick (she honestly is. So tiny, but she hates it). WAT. So now you know where all of my anxiety about weight and success comes from. I hope they don't lose a single pound on their stupid diets.

In the arena of my boyfriend and FWB thing...well my boyfriend and I stopped having sex. I should explain. I didn't mention it before but my boyfriend has recently (like last semester) developed this problem...with his dick. Like he can get it up once, do it, and then it's dead forever. Won't get hard again just kaput. This is of course different from what I'm used to as the semester before this happened we could do it like 3 times a night, every night of the week almost. It's driving me nuts and I picked not having sex at all over this really sad disappointing sex. I love sex. I do. So I will climb the walls if I don't have sex but I will climb the walls more if I have it and it just isn't enough. The problem with this is that I think my FWB can tell that I am starting to climb the walls. And I am not good once I get all hot and bothered, but I REFUSE to cheat. Like actually cheat. As in have sex cheat. I just can't, that is not the person I am. I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind especially lately because  I saw my FWB's dick. It's beautiful. bigger than my boyfriend's, and it looks like rainbows will come out of it if I do my FWB. But I won't. Even though I did cry after I made the decision not to have sex anymore. The only real saving grace I have is that I am not a cheater. I may be many things but I am not and will not be that. The terrible thing is I feel like my bf and I will break up soon. I adore him but he is changing in weird ways.  Like today there is this freshman in our organization (on campus club thing) and he has a crush on me. It's adorable and no I'm not acting on it in anyway. Anywho, this kid was all starry eyed today and talking about if I were to call him he would answer immediately and without hesitation over anyone else calling him. And my loving bf says OUTLOUD IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING that the kid only feels that way because I have big boobs. WAT. Then later we were eating lunch and my bf tells me that the kid is at the time in his life where his hormones are flinging everywhere and he's sure all of this is just a phase. WAT. So I'm big boobs and a phase. It couldn't possibly be that I am a nice person, and funny, and pretty, with a winning personality, nope only boobs. And no one could possibly really like me it must be a phase. Honestly, everyone who has ever liked me still likes me. Once you have a crush on me it lasts forever. My ex only dated me for 6 weeks before I broke up with him and more than a year later he is still trying to get with me. My FWB has liked me for 2 years and counting. There are a bunch of other people but honestly, people like me forever. I'm always the one that got away. So yeah my bf pissed me off with that. If he keeps going in this jerky direction changes will be made. I adore him but I won't take being with him if he turns into a jerk because his dick won't work.

TL;DR: My parents think I'll never be good enough because I'm fat, even though their liquid fast is a total lie; I am climbing the walls because my boyfriend's dick stopped working; my FWB wants to do me and has the right equipment to do it and I can't touch him because I'm not a cheater; I have to fight ravenous hunger because I'm a girl and the red wedding is coming, but I've lost half a pound so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

XOXO,

Scarlet