This is gonna be short...thanks for all the support on my last post. It's honestly so hard dealing with everything in my life and sometimes I feel like it's crushing me. I think about my past, present, and likely future and see a lot of the same problems looming. However if I never either accept them or deal with them they will actually crush me. I think that is the main reason my weight has always been crazy because I have no idea how to cope with problems that are permanent. I have to accept that my parents will always find something wrong with me. Skinny or whatever there will be something and I have no control over that. I am not the favorite child, I am simply the more successful, and instead of trying to get a title I deserve like "favorite" or "best child" I should strive for my own acceptance, meeting my standards, and what I want for my life. "Best Scarlet" sounds like a good one to aim for. I have to grow up and know that everything will not go my way. I am tired of sitting up at least one night of every semester of grad school crying about how my life sucks and how much stress I am under, comparing myself to others, and allowing myself to be berated and tortured by my parents ideals and other silliness they have filled my life with. They are good parents in the sense that they never abused me, gave me a good home, provided love and affection, and listened to the problems I chose to tell them about. Where they fail is that they can't see the effect they have on their daughter, they don't realize that everything they say I take to heart because I have been so dependent on them for so long. But like I said, it's time to grow up.
If I want to get skinny I am going to have to work for it. No whining, no compromises. Just willpower. I have an 800 cal a day limit. No matter what. I will try to integrate exercise 3-4 times a week. Just that simple. I could be down 50 lbs by the time the formal in april comes around. Keep going and I can be pretty damned skinny by the time school starts again in august. Just have to stick to it and use my time productively rather than sitting around fixating on what I'm eating. Just eat when I'm hungry (empty tummy growling hungry), count my calories, drink my water and get back to life. I have to be better, stronger. I have to adapt. I need to evolve.
This is Scarlet 2.0.