Triggered.

Hey there.

It's been a while, with good reason. I missed you guys like crazy, but I figured delving back into this world would lead me down those dark roads again. Staying away made me fat. Those days when I was eating too much under the guise of "making myself better." Fool. So now since I've ballooned up to heavier than I've ever been, I'm trying to lose weight. I was doing it healthy. Still. Trying. That. Bullshit. But it was working. EXTREMELY SLOWLY, but working(ish). Maybe 5 lbs, which is a breath on my giant fat ass.  There was a beautiful time when I was just under 200 lbs and hating myself. Now I am 330 and hating myself more. Yeah I know read that number back. That's about 100lbs in two years. FUCK. ME.

So anyways, surprisingly that was not my trigger. That blob in the mirror actually didn't make me want to stop eating. Mostly due to my amazing boyfriend. And my guy friend who keeps making out with me. Don't judge, I never said I was perfect, but I'll explain that part of my life later. No my trigger was my best friend. An off handed seemingly innocuous comment. "You look like you've gained weight since I last saw you." My roommate has a shit ton of pastries out, I'm not eating them and they are hers not mine, but when my bestie saw it "Whoa look at all these snacks, god is this your diet?" BOOM. The wind went out of my chest. I forced a smile as I explained the goods weren't mine. An uncomfortable giggle while I said I've lost some weight since she last saw me haha very fucking fun times. But inside my heart was twisting, I could almost feel physical pain. I was so angry but I said nothing. I smiled and put on a show, but inside I was dying. She left shortly after but the damage was done. I had already internally tabulated my food for the day. Fruit, tea, chicken, and a cake (yeah I know but it was small). 1500 cals if I over estimate? That should be good. Drop it to 500 tomorrow. I can do this. Before I knew it my brain had fully switched over. It was terrifying. I was that close to the edge for all this trying. I could've just been skinny by now. Damn.

So I get to be accountable again. Super counting calories. Yay. I'm not happy but it's better than the alternative. And thanks to bestie these thoughts aren't gonna go away so I might as well act on them.

As for life....My boyfriend is amazing. But he's not aggressive and I feel like a guy initiating things all the time. I thought maybe he just didn't want me, but I recently talked about breaking up and he almost cried telling me how much he loved me and just wanted to stay together and marry me one day. So, yeah. The problem is I like feeling like a girl and my friend reaaaaaaally likes me. But he's graduating this semester so it's not like we can get together (not that I would) so we decided to do that FWB thing. He's so aggressive and it feels so good to be wanted. Like without me bringing it up wanted. Just the fact that I am there type of wanted. When I make out with you and your dick is harder than the rock of gibraltar wanted. So that is why that is happening. I'm not sleeping with him and don't plan on it and have informed him of such so it's fine whatever, I'm not a poster girl role model.

So yay starving and triggers and boys and school stress and exams and bullshit. I promise to be happier next time, but honestly I did miss you guys.
XOXO