Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Start


So today I started my new diet and it's working out so far. I had about 800 cals today max. I altered the rules of the diet a bit, but not drastically. I made a chicken waldorf salad from scratch today and it was amazing. As you know the dressing is nowhere near being a vinagrette, but the recipe I used was 365 cal a serving, with 4 servings. I added a bunch of mixed greens in and sectioned it into 5 servings. So maybe I cut it down to like 300cal a serving but just to be safe I'll use the facts I know lol. So around 6:30pm I had one serving and a granny smith apple, and then again at like 10:30pm (I woke up from a nap, no apple).

I was so sad earlier because the room I moved into for the summer has carpeted floors. CARPET. MOST UNEVEN SURFACE IN THE HISTORY OF SURFACES. My scale won't even register a reading. So I don't know what I weigh right now. I think last time I weighed in my old room was on saturday and I was 334. So I guess I'll go with that for my starting weight. I just started my period so idk but I'll be able to weigh myself again when the school gym opens up on the 26th. My goal is to see something dramatic by that time. I didn't work out today technically, but I did a lot of walking around.

I have the motivation of a million women right now though because I had the joy of going home on Sunday for my weekly dose of tearing down my self esteem and life choices. It was the same rhetoric, my parents still hate my boyfriend and think he has ruined my life. I have "pissed away" my phd, I am apparently ridiculously fat and look like I have gained 200lbs since I started grad school (even though I have only gained 100, still terrible but I mean really). Also when my boyfriend tells me I don't need makeup (not that I can't wear makeup, just that I don't need it to be pretty and if I don't feel like putting it on that's fine) he is lying to me. Also when he says I look fine the way I am (again, not that I can't lose weight, but if I don't want to I'm fine. But he supports whatever I wanna do) he is again lying and I look huge. According to them he just wants to make me look unattractive so people won't pursue me. Great. I guess they mean well, but god hearing all of that hurts. I like the fact that my boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful, excuse me for enjoying being loved. So my goal has two parts: One I want to finally get skinny. The next one is that I wanna be skinny before they lose all their weight so I can be a complete bitch to them. Oh I forgot one part about the self esteem assassination mission: When they came to pick me up from campus they happened to pull up along side me from behind and my dad decided to do fake catcalls to me (you know like hey sexy or whatever), he thinks its funny as if I'm going to wonder who is catcalling me like I don't know his voice. The one he picked yesterday was "hey slim" and I felt really good about myself because I have been doing a ton of physical activity with all the moving and I haven't even been eating much so I thought I looked slimmer since I thought I have been seeing a bit of a difference. So when I got in the car I was all "you really think I'm getting slimmer?" and he was all "It was just a catcall like hey sexy or whatever. What, oh are you trying? Are you trying to lose weight?" I was crushed. All I talk about is losing weight. I told them I lost ten pounds like a few weeks ago (it was a lie but still). AM I TRYING? When am I not trying is a better question. So that happened. I wanna do the same thing to them when I am skinny. I didn't talk for the rest of the car ride and when he asked why I wasn't talking I said it was because I was thirsty. So he went to wendy's and I got a salad and a drink. My parents both got frostys. Then we went to walgreen's where I got nothing but my dad got two packets of cookies and my mom got a packet of cookies and two honey buns. Fat asses. They did all that fasting bullshit and now they are off of it and haven't stopped stuffing their faces since. But I'M the one not trying right. Whatever. So that is my fuel for this.

I will not be stopped.

I have to figure out working out, I'll probably just go for walks.  :)

Sam: Yeah it's a bit of a pickle but I'm gonna get through it.
Alia: Hey! Dude 120 doesn't seem crazy, my goal is 135 though I have no idea what I will look like at that weight but it's just at the threshold of underweight/normal weight. Sure we can help each other, do you have a blog? I have an email but it's full of spam and annoying people who want to interview "disordered girls" so I stopped checking it. Let me know :)



  1. whenever i hear Waldorf, i think of Blair Waldorf...and i don't watch Gossip Girl (yet).
    334 is a weird number. if i had a breakfast that had 334 calories, it would bug me until i have lunch because i don't like how the number looks like together.
    what? your parents are a little insane to be honest. that's out of line.
    the poor boy mightn't have done anything at all!
    now that Frosty looks like it should be on the indulgence plan (i've never had a Frosty but everyone seems to love it).
    we're in very similar situations then. my peers treated me that last year when i was 165 pounds. they did not catcall me but they made inappropriate comments about my weight all the time. they told me that i was chubby and whatnot. the next year, i walked into college weighing in at 143. and they still pick on how much i eat. i have a weird complex in which i mostly like to eat in front of people because i'm always afraid they think i don't eat. in fact, i eat so much food in front of people that they just plain warn me about how i'm going to get fat again. >_>
    i had gotten down from 143 to my current, which is in the 130s. today it is 135. which i just realised is your goal weight.
    it isn't really crazy per say. it's just that i am afraid of people picking on me for it. i have huge hips (they are 38") but i have a very small waist. like a 25 inch waist. it's my hips that prevent me from looking all skinny minnie to some people, but my waist makes people think i'm quite thin.
    the problem is i lose weight on my waist very fast, and to a lesser extent - my hips. i'm just afraid that if i do this, then people would start picking on me for the fact that i lost (more) weight. and i don't want my parents to start making those comments about me looking bony. (i have a very large frame, and very prominent collarbones. i have a lining of my hipbones as well but my Mother insists that my hipbones stick out. they do not.)

    as i'm starting to reply back to comments made on my blog:

    "Yeah unless the food is enjoyable you're always going to be sad and want something else to fill the void. Try to go for flavor rich stuff that makes you happy. Instead of a sad salad covered in vinegar, make one with cranberries, apples, some cheese, with a yogurt dressing or something. Keep it interesting. Good luck! :)" oh no. i'd still find that very bland. in fact, my mind associates most salads as "bland food". it's rather more of "if i want pizza, i'm going to eat pizza." sort of thing. not in 'moderation' as some would say but rather if i want something i'll get it.

  2. I will be honest, I have not read all your posts. But that banner at the top kills me. Pro ana? I have been there, and it is not a good life. It almost literally killed me. Multiple times. Please reach out to me if you want to make a positive change. I want to use my experience to help others.