I mean, it's really all their fault that we know about purging in the first place. Them and their greed. They used to have parties with like thirty courses or something, and when they were so full they couldn't possibly have the next course, they ran to the vomitorium, puked it up, came back, and ate more. Seriously.
So I'm honest on this blog so I will admit it: I purged. Again.
My fam and I went out yesterday to do some city trekking and we went to an indian neighborhood. Ah, so many delish smells of tandoori, korma, and naan. But we didn't have any of that, no we stopped in a convience store and had some slices of cake. To be exact, three slices of cake. Each. Every cake had 500cals (read the label) and I ate all of them. That was on top of my 250cal bfast and some other odds and ends that we had. I was going to be okay until I wound up eating an extra 1/3 of a cake that my dad didn't want. Go trash can girl. So when we got home, I couldn't take it. Everytime I burped I tasted failure. So I ran up to the bathroom, drank down some warm water and purged deep. It was hard because it had been about an hour since I'd had the cakes, but I tasted chocolate on the way up so I got most of the cakes out. We'll see if any of this was worth it on tuesday.
So I have another new plan: weigh on tuesdays and fridays, and before I eat anything, ask myself WIPT? Or Will I Purge This? That will keep me more on track and away from the mia train. I like my voice, I love to sing. Mia deepens the voice, something I don't need as mine is already a bit low. A few octaves lower and people will swear I'm the best tranny they've ever seen.
Ah thank you guys so much for your sweet comments about A. I'm using him as my motivation because I really, really, REALLY want him. Gotta lose more weight in I'm gonna get him though.
Oh and before I forget (like I have over the last like three posts) I have 53 followers now!!!! Wow! I am so happy to have you guys listen to my lame-o life. :)
Off to a superbowl party!! Go Colts!
XOXO,
Scarlet <3
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Tuesday Hurry Up!!!
Ah, hey guys!
I am bouncing off the walls over here because I can't weigh myself!!! I think I have mastered assessing myself visually and gauging my progress from the mirror as well as the scale, but now I am looking extra good in the mirror, and I want to know what the scale says!!! I'm reading all these blogs about people making their goals and I'm all: gah I wanna join in too!!! I think after tuesday I'll weigh in on fridays and tuesdays. That way by the time I start reaching my breaking point I can weigh in!
I had a good day yesterday food wise. Had a apple almond quinoa salad and a luna bar, a mix1 drink, red tortilla chips, and a veggie and rice dinner. I have been pretty successful with cutting down my sugar drastically. I'm trying to not have as many processed things and I think it's working.
In life news, I don't know if I ever told you guys, but when I meet new people like at school or whatever, I normally look them up on facebook and look at their page (unless it's private) to see if well, how cool they really are. It gives me a better perspective of the person. Sooo EK doesn't have an FB or a myspace, so I'm pretty in the dark about him. But A, does have an FB, and I read his "about me" and practically fell off my bed. I mean, he's like so poetic and lyrical, a boy after my own heart, lol. Not that I've given up on EK, it's just that I've known him for a semester already and not gotten past friendly conversation. Besides, it's not like he's asking me for my number or anything. Also, I'm not going to marry either of them (I don't think), so why not have some fun? Anyway, here's A's "about me" it doesn't have any personal info, so I don't think it's wrong to post it:
About Me: If I had to personify myself I would be a firework, but not just your regular old firework that makes people go "ooh...ahh" and then forget. I'd be that big one towards the end of the 4th of July over Lake Michigan. The one where the sound comes at you a couple of seconds after the explosion. The one that gives you almost unnoticeable goosebumps when you're a kid. The one you compare all other fireworks to. The one that you remember for decades to come. The one you share stories about. The one that lets you forget about all the events and people around you and takes you to a whole nother place. See, thats the kind of person I am. A careful balance between conformity and individuality. A leader by example. Adaptive and attentive. Caring and supportive. An artist and an engineer. The all in one package. The energy that comes from splitting god's atom combined with the elegance and discipline of a symphony orchestra. That's me in a nutshell. Ohkay ohkay so I'm not thaat great ;P..but I definitely aspire to be :)
Isn't that great? Tell me what you guys think! :)
Comments!
A.Beautiful.Mess: yeah, I only drink it to be skinny too (oh and health benefits), but sometimes, it's just hard to drink.
Violet: oh thanks for the advice, it's a really good brand, it looks so pretty after it's brewed, it just tastes a bit strong. :)
Jen: *collects all the love and puts it in my heart* I think the green tea is helping. Seriously. I wish I could tell you how much, but I can't yet. I know I look ten times better. :)
So I am off to go out with the fam, try and finish my HW, and then prepare for the superbowl tomorrow! I'm going to a party at one of my dad's old highschool buddies' house.
XOXO,
Scarlet <3
I am bouncing off the walls over here because I can't weigh myself!!! I think I have mastered assessing myself visually and gauging my progress from the mirror as well as the scale, but now I am looking extra good in the mirror, and I want to know what the scale says!!! I'm reading all these blogs about people making their goals and I'm all: gah I wanna join in too!!! I think after tuesday I'll weigh in on fridays and tuesdays. That way by the time I start reaching my breaking point I can weigh in!
I had a good day yesterday food wise. Had a apple almond quinoa salad and a luna bar, a mix1 drink, red tortilla chips, and a veggie and rice dinner. I have been pretty successful with cutting down my sugar drastically. I'm trying to not have as many processed things and I think it's working.
In life news, I don't know if I ever told you guys, but when I meet new people like at school or whatever, I normally look them up on facebook and look at their page (unless it's private) to see if well, how cool they really are. It gives me a better perspective of the person. Sooo EK doesn't have an FB or a myspace, so I'm pretty in the dark about him. But A, does have an FB, and I read his "about me" and practically fell off my bed. I mean, he's like so poetic and lyrical, a boy after my own heart, lol. Not that I've given up on EK, it's just that I've known him for a semester already and not gotten past friendly conversation. Besides, it's not like he's asking me for my number or anything. Also, I'm not going to marry either of them (I don't think), so why not have some fun? Anyway, here's A's "about me" it doesn't have any personal info, so I don't think it's wrong to post it:
About Me: If I had to personify myself I would be a firework, but not just your regular old firework that makes people go "ooh...ahh" and then forget. I'd be that big one towards the end of the 4th of July over Lake Michigan. The one where the sound comes at you a couple of seconds after the explosion. The one that gives you almost unnoticeable goosebumps when you're a kid. The one you compare all other fireworks to. The one that you remember for decades to come. The one you share stories about. The one that lets you forget about all the events and people around you and takes you to a whole nother place. See, thats the kind of person I am. A careful balance between conformity and individuality. A leader by example. Adaptive and attentive. Caring and supportive. An artist and an engineer. The all in one package. The energy that comes from splitting god's atom combined with the elegance and discipline of a symphony orchestra. That's me in a nutshell. Ohkay ohkay so I'm not thaat great ;P..but I definitely aspire to be :)
Isn't that great? Tell me what you guys think! :)
Comments!
A.Beautiful.Mess: yeah, I only drink it to be skinny too (oh and health benefits), but sometimes, it's just hard to drink.
Violet: oh thanks for the advice, it's a really good brand, it looks so pretty after it's brewed, it just tastes a bit strong. :)
Jen: *collects all the love and puts it in my heart* I think the green tea is helping. Seriously. I wish I could tell you how much, but I can't yet. I know I look ten times better. :)
So I am off to go out with the fam, try and finish my HW, and then prepare for the superbowl tomorrow! I'm going to a party at one of my dad's old highschool buddies' house.
XOXO,
Scarlet <3
Friday, February 5, 2010
Sitting Here Chewing On Gunpowder
Sitting here chewin' on gunpowder (gunpowder!) Strike match light fire!
--- 'Bamboo Banga' by MIA
Love that song. Love it even more now that I am doing just that. Well, not real gunpowder, gunpowder green tea, aka the strongest green tea ever. I actually hate the taste of green tea because I don't use sugar (I used to like it the british way with cream and sugar). But I got a lovely idea: if we can eat veggies, most of which are plants, then why can't I eat green tea, which is also a plant? So now I get a big bottle of water and take some in my mouth and swallow some dried gunpowder (it's like taking a pill, you need the water). Lately, it has been working like a charm!!! I have more energy and I think the fat is breaking down because I have been having to pee like crazy even when I don't have many liquids! Sorry if that is tmi.
I am also looking thinner!!!!! So we will see on tuesday.
My food yesterday was okay.... Had too many rice cakes though. Thank god they were only 45cal a piece. I have found motivation to get thin everywhere lately. In my physics lab, one of my lab partners, let's call him A (I have two, they're both guys), is this totally, totally cute guy. And on top of that, I found out EK is always by the pool tables at 3pm on tuesdays and thursdays. So I can see EK on tuesdays and A on thursdays. Oh how lovely to have cute boy overload. :)
Comments!
Violet: oh I am never purging again, I was just saying at least it wasn't all bad.
~Naomi~: hahaha, stop taking stuff!!!!! Lol, JK. :) I'm trying to figure out a method to use to form the association, haven't figured it out yet.
Jen: I know!!! It seems so unappealing after that. You just look at it and you're like...no. I haven't had pasta in three days!!
Okay guys, have fun and be skinny!!
XOXO,
Scarlet <3
--- 'Bamboo Banga' by MIA
Love that song. Love it even more now that I am doing just that. Well, not real gunpowder, gunpowder green tea, aka the strongest green tea ever. I actually hate the taste of green tea because I don't use sugar (I used to like it the british way with cream and sugar). But I got a lovely idea: if we can eat veggies, most of which are plants, then why can't I eat green tea, which is also a plant? So now I get a big bottle of water and take some in my mouth and swallow some dried gunpowder (it's like taking a pill, you need the water). Lately, it has been working like a charm!!! I have more energy and I think the fat is breaking down because I have been having to pee like crazy even when I don't have many liquids! Sorry if that is tmi.
I am also looking thinner!!!!! So we will see on tuesday.
My food yesterday was okay.... Had too many rice cakes though. Thank god they were only 45cal a piece. I have found motivation to get thin everywhere lately. In my physics lab, one of my lab partners, let's call him A (I have two, they're both guys), is this totally, totally cute guy. And on top of that, I found out EK is always by the pool tables at 3pm on tuesdays and thursdays. So I can see EK on tuesdays and A on thursdays. Oh how lovely to have cute boy overload. :)
Comments!
Violet: oh I am never purging again, I was just saying at least it wasn't all bad.
~Naomi~: hahaha, stop taking stuff!!!!! Lol, JK. :) I'm trying to figure out a method to use to form the association, haven't figured it out yet.
Jen: I know!!! It seems so unappealing after that. You just look at it and you're like...no. I haven't had pasta in three days!!
Okay guys, have fun and be skinny!!
XOXO,
Scarlet <3
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Aversion Therapy
Hey guys!
So I am still doing really well, I think I'm finally getting thinner!!! My dad keeps saying how amazing and pretty I look so that's a total confidence booster.
I have noticed something strange though, I think I may have induced aversion therapy on myself when I purged. You guys know aversion therapy, it's associating something with an unpleasantry. Like when parents catch their kids smoking and then make the kids smoke so much that they get sick and never want to smoke again. I was looking at the pasta yesterday and I was hungry, but I got a flashback of the purge and I promptly closed the fridge. So something good came out of it.
Awww, thank you guys for all the sweet comments about using EK as motivation!!! He does have an adorable smile btw. :) I'm hoping I can get him to take me to the spring formal (around april) so I think I may have my work cut out for me.
Well, I am off to do more school but thank you guys so much, you mean the world to me :)
XOXO,
Scarlet <3<3
So I am still doing really well, I think I'm finally getting thinner!!! My dad keeps saying how amazing and pretty I look so that's a total confidence booster.
I have noticed something strange though, I think I may have induced aversion therapy on myself when I purged. You guys know aversion therapy, it's associating something with an unpleasantry. Like when parents catch their kids smoking and then make the kids smoke so much that they get sick and never want to smoke again. I was looking at the pasta yesterday and I was hungry, but I got a flashback of the purge and I promptly closed the fridge. So something good came out of it.
Awww, thank you guys for all the sweet comments about using EK as motivation!!! He does have an adorable smile btw. :) I'm hoping I can get him to take me to the spring formal (around april) so I think I may have my work cut out for me.
Well, I am off to do more school but thank you guys so much, you mean the world to me :)
XOXO,
Scarlet <3<3
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Sunshine In The Valley
Hey guys!!!
Wow thank you so much for all of your support and care on my last post, I was seriously going through the ringer there. I feel that I should address something though that was brought up by Insane Jayne. Idk if she'll read this since she deleted her comment, but I'll deal with it anyway.
Jayne said that I'd overgeneralized that people who purge can just stop and suddenly go to starving. Her concern in particular was about bulimics. Let me clarify: I said if you have time to consider purging don't do it and then if you decide to, figure out what pushed you to that and get rid of it. If someone is a bulimic, it's not a thought or consideration--it's an impulse. It's done before you can formulate a thought about it really. So my advice was for people with EDNOS (like moi) who don't purge often and really only did it because we were triggered by something (mine was the scale, I don't like seeing the numbers go up!). So I hope that clarified everything.
Back to other news! Yesterday I did well, I had soymilk, veggies, an apple, and some other random things, nothing major. I did 30mins on my stationary bike (oh the hill setting is killer!!!) And 30mins of strength training (just my own stuff,not the devil lady, lol). So I feel like I am getting thinner!!! Strange, I never looked at how I look and how I feel to gauge whether or not I'm thinning, I just let the scale decide.
Also, on the non-weight side of my life, I ran into EK yesterday!!! I'm not sure I told you guys about EK. He's the guy that sat next to me in polisci last semester. He's eighteen and wayy more in my league than guy from orgo (who's like 20). I really like EK, he's a sweetheart, last time I saw him he taught me how to play pool ( and totally kicked my butt, haha) in the last day of the semester. So I saw him yesterday and we talked about the normal stuff: how're classes going, blah, blah, blah. He asked me where I'd just come from and I said my physics class and then I asked him the same question and he was all "oh I just came from my physics, I mean psychology class" I nearly lit up the room with my smile. He was flustered! Flustered!!!! By me!!!! Eeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! (I mean, woo.)
So I am crazy happy and will be much thinner next time I see him!
Comment time!
~naomi~: I know, it's like having the covers snatched from you. Yeah, I think I'd rather shoot myself than do all that too, because not only do I have to work that hard, but I won't get to see how much I lost from the fasting/workout!! And that would drive me cuh-razy!!!
Bl33ding Truth: um, anything by fallout boy gets me going to workout, as well as panic at the disco. For just zoning out and staying away from the food, I like jimmy eat world and relient k (esp. The song 'who I am hates who I've been' and 'shut my mouth')
Holly: hey, my way of avoiding food is saying forget eating in moderation, just don't eat the bad stuff!! Veggies, fruits, give me the stuff of the earth! Haha. Besides, you're not eating processed foods, which is pretty much what I'm doing (except I have these neat little packets of nutrion cereal drinks and soymilk that only run 50-100 cals). :)
Thank for the sweet comments guys!!!
XOXO,
Scarlet <3
Wow thank you so much for all of your support and care on my last post, I was seriously going through the ringer there. I feel that I should address something though that was brought up by Insane Jayne. Idk if she'll read this since she deleted her comment, but I'll deal with it anyway.
Jayne said that I'd overgeneralized that people who purge can just stop and suddenly go to starving. Her concern in particular was about bulimics. Let me clarify: I said if you have time to consider purging don't do it and then if you decide to, figure out what pushed you to that and get rid of it. If someone is a bulimic, it's not a thought or consideration--it's an impulse. It's done before you can formulate a thought about it really. So my advice was for people with EDNOS (like moi) who don't purge often and really only did it because we were triggered by something (mine was the scale, I don't like seeing the numbers go up!). So I hope that clarified everything.
Back to other news! Yesterday I did well, I had soymilk, veggies, an apple, and some other random things, nothing major. I did 30mins on my stationary bike (oh the hill setting is killer!!!) And 30mins of strength training (just my own stuff,not the devil lady, lol). So I feel like I am getting thinner!!! Strange, I never looked at how I look and how I feel to gauge whether or not I'm thinning, I just let the scale decide.
Also, on the non-weight side of my life, I ran into EK yesterday!!! I'm not sure I told you guys about EK. He's the guy that sat next to me in polisci last semester. He's eighteen and wayy more in my league than guy from orgo (who's like 20). I really like EK, he's a sweetheart, last time I saw him he taught me how to play pool ( and totally kicked my butt, haha) in the last day of the semester. So I saw him yesterday and we talked about the normal stuff: how're classes going, blah, blah, blah. He asked me where I'd just come from and I said my physics class and then I asked him the same question and he was all "oh I just came from my physics, I mean psychology class" I nearly lit up the room with my smile. He was flustered! Flustered!!!! By me!!!! Eeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! (I mean, woo.)
So I am crazy happy and will be much thinner next time I see him!
Comment time!
~naomi~: I know, it's like having the covers snatched from you. Yeah, I think I'd rather shoot myself than do all that too, because not only do I have to work that hard, but I won't get to see how much I lost from the fasting/workout!! And that would drive me cuh-razy!!!
Bl33ding Truth: um, anything by fallout boy gets me going to workout, as well as panic at the disco. For just zoning out and staying away from the food, I like jimmy eat world and relient k (esp. The song 'who I am hates who I've been' and 'shut my mouth')
Holly: hey, my way of avoiding food is saying forget eating in moderation, just don't eat the bad stuff!! Veggies, fruits, give me the stuff of the earth! Haha. Besides, you're not eating processed foods, which is pretty much what I'm doing (except I have these neat little packets of nutrion cereal drinks and soymilk that only run 50-100 cals). :)
Thank for the sweet comments guys!!!
XOXO,
Scarlet <3
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Next Time You Point A Finger, I'll Point You To The Mirror
Next time you point a finger, I might have to bend it back and break it, break it off, next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror
---- 'Playing God' by Paramore
Sooo, how to start this one? Well, yesterday I was doing ok, pretty down about my weight, watching the days tick off the calendar, my time to get thin and get paid running short. And then I made my dog pasta. No sauce because I didn't want to eat it, just salt and pepper. Unlucky for me, even that tasted amazing. And then I proceeded to eat about 500 cals worth of pasta. I hadn't eaten much, a ton of liquids mostly so I wasn't all that worried. Until, UNTIL I weighed myself. Stupid move. It was high and I knew that I was going to be fat today, but I decided I could fix my mistake. I calmly got up, grabbed an old toothbrush, and stuck the handle down my throat. Yeah. And after some of it came up I stopped and saw myself in my mind's eye. As all of you know, I am a stark advocate against purging; many times I have said that I would never purge and just take my lumps (no pun intended ha) and gain the weight. Yet here I was, perched over a toilet gagging myself.
"Shit Scarlet, what the hell are you doing?!?" I said to myself. I stepped away from the toilet, flushed and walked out the bathroom, shocked at what I'd done.
A bit of advice: if you have enough time to consider purging, don't do it. It made me feel so vulnerable and weak it wasn't funny. I felt like I'd lost control. So just don't. And if you do, find out what your trigger is, get rid of it and stop.
My trigger is the scale (obviously). So I am not going to weigh until tuesday. I am 223.8 today, would've been 224.4 if I hadn't purged but that's neither here nor there.
My new plan is to just avoid food. No more time limits, blah, blah, blah. It works, but I am not disciplined enough for it. So avoiding food all together is the plan. Right now I am chewing some gum that I just bought, as u have mastered not swallowing it (finally!).
Naomi: haha, thanks, I'm gonna use you as thinspo too!!!!
Scarlett (hahahaha): thanks so much for the encouragement :)
I will do this. I will starve, workout, and weigh-in on tuesday.
Punishments for weighing in early: I have to water fast (no gum, tea, anything with taste. Literally water) the next day with an hour and a half on the elliptical and jackie warner's entire 40min circut. That'll deff keep me OFF the scale, lol.
I hope you guys are doing better than me and thanks for all the sweet comments!!!
XOXO,
Scarlet <3<3
---- 'Playing God' by Paramore
Sooo, how to start this one? Well, yesterday I was doing ok, pretty down about my weight, watching the days tick off the calendar, my time to get thin and get paid running short. And then I made my dog pasta. No sauce because I didn't want to eat it, just salt and pepper. Unlucky for me, even that tasted amazing. And then I proceeded to eat about 500 cals worth of pasta. I hadn't eaten much, a ton of liquids mostly so I wasn't all that worried. Until, UNTIL I weighed myself. Stupid move. It was high and I knew that I was going to be fat today, but I decided I could fix my mistake. I calmly got up, grabbed an old toothbrush, and stuck the handle down my throat. Yeah. And after some of it came up I stopped and saw myself in my mind's eye. As all of you know, I am a stark advocate against purging; many times I have said that I would never purge and just take my lumps (no pun intended ha) and gain the weight. Yet here I was, perched over a toilet gagging myself.
"Shit Scarlet, what the hell are you doing?!?" I said to myself. I stepped away from the toilet, flushed and walked out the bathroom, shocked at what I'd done.
A bit of advice: if you have enough time to consider purging, don't do it. It made me feel so vulnerable and weak it wasn't funny. I felt like I'd lost control. So just don't. And if you do, find out what your trigger is, get rid of it and stop.
My trigger is the scale (obviously). So I am not going to weigh until tuesday. I am 223.8 today, would've been 224.4 if I hadn't purged but that's neither here nor there.
My new plan is to just avoid food. No more time limits, blah, blah, blah. It works, but I am not disciplined enough for it. So avoiding food all together is the plan. Right now I am chewing some gum that I just bought, as u have mastered not swallowing it (finally!).
Naomi: haha, thanks, I'm gonna use you as thinspo too!!!!
Scarlett (hahahaha): thanks so much for the encouragement :)
I will do this. I will starve, workout, and weigh-in on tuesday.
Punishments for weighing in early: I have to water fast (no gum, tea, anything with taste. Literally water) the next day with an hour and a half on the elliptical and jackie warner's entire 40min circut. That'll deff keep me OFF the scale, lol.
I hope you guys are doing better than me and thanks for all the sweet comments!!!
XOXO,
Scarlet <3<3
Monday, February 1, 2010
Relent/Persist
Well, firstly, sorry for not posting yesterday. I was crazy busy. However, my food intake has been going well, just veggies mostly, with the occasional falafel ball (I've never tried them, turns out they taste good!), and protein shake, but nothing that truly deviates from what I've been having lately. The earliest deviation of my time limit eating time was eating at 5:45pm. However, I think there may be a hormone shift afoot because I am 222.6 today. Gah. I had planned on being 218 so that I could have a head start on being 205 by feb 17, now I am behind that by .6 lbs. Irritating. I know it has to be water weight because:
1) My intake has been good
2) On saturday I did an hour on my elliptical, and on sunday I did 30mins of my jackie warner dvd (that woman is the devil!!!!) And 45 mins on my elliptical.
3) Um, I figured if it's a hormone shift that causes water weight when aunt flo comes, maybe it's an equal shift that causes water weight when she goes and she *technically* leaves wednesday. Just a guess on this one.(I hate biology, so idk)
So if this is the case, I should just keep pushing and maybe I'll have some miraculous numbers come along and help me out. I hope so.
Holly: I am glad that I could help, lol. <3
Okay, so february is my time to get thin. So I must set some goals for myself:
1: must be 205 (or less) by feb 17
2: must, must, must be 199(or less) by march 1
3: must be a size 14 (or less) by feb 24 when I get my allowance (how much stuff I get to buy hinges on goal 1)
So those are the big three. Must do these.
XOXO,
Scarlet <3
Thanx for the sweet comments!!!
1) My intake has been good
2) On saturday I did an hour on my elliptical, and on sunday I did 30mins of my jackie warner dvd (that woman is the devil!!!!) And 45 mins on my elliptical.
3) Um, I figured if it's a hormone shift that causes water weight when aunt flo comes, maybe it's an equal shift that causes water weight when she goes and she *technically* leaves wednesday. Just a guess on this one.(I hate biology, so idk)
So if this is the case, I should just keep pushing and maybe I'll have some miraculous numbers come along and help me out. I hope so.
Holly: I am glad that I could help, lol. <3
Okay, so february is my time to get thin. So I must set some goals for myself:
1: must be 205 (or less) by feb 17
2: must, must, must be 199(or less) by march 1
3: must be a size 14 (or less) by feb 24 when I get my allowance (how much stuff I get to buy hinges on goal 1)
So those are the big three. Must do these.
XOXO,
Scarlet <3
Thanx for the sweet comments!!!
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