Monday, August 3, 2009

It's Hard Out Here For A Black Ana

Hey Y'all,
So yesterday I restricted. I had 10 cals before i left the house to get mi metabolism going. The cals came from 1/8 cup of blueberries, which is like a handful for me because i find blueberries hard to hold on to in my hands. when i went out mi rents got the brilliant idea to go to this chinese bakery to get some "goodies". enter panic mode. I handled it well though, instead of getting 2 pastries i only got one. mi mom who is also trying to lose weight but not the ana way, freaks out and forces me to take 1/4 of her lemon twist (it's like a raisin stick with that fake lemon stuff they put in lemon danishes). so i ate that and decided i really didn't need mi red bean paste cake, but cuz they were half watching me i ate half, slipped the rest into mi purse and threw that away at the nearest garbage can. I always walk behind mi parents so it was pretty easy. from there we went directly to Joy Yee, where they ordered (highlight to view): Miso Soup (not bad in mi book), Crab and Shrimp Eggrolls, and Crab Ragoon. So for items two and three i was given two of each and ate only one of each and pawned the other off to mi parents. as for item number one, i ate it. i love it, it tastes good and i think it's low cal (it's only vegetables). I drank water the entire time, and then afterward i got up to use the bathroom maybe five minnutes after i finished eating. When i got up my mom stopped me and whispered something to me that nearly made mi heart stop: "Don't go and throw up your food." I'll admit it had crossed mi mind but puking is not an enjoyable experience for me so i just don't do it. frankly i can't. i brushed her off and went to the bathroom. so mi mom thinks i may have an ED not becuase i'm not eating, but simply because i didn't eat everything that was put in front of me.
I felt bad during the entire dinner tho because at another table there were these two vietnamese girls and this white girl (no offense) and they had TONS of food, like three entrees, and the white girl DIDN'T TOUCH IT. AT ALL. she just sat there sipping her water making me feel like shit. she wasn't super thin or anything but i'll take her figure over mi own. ALL THAT FOOD AND SHE DRANK WATER. WATER! I still can't get over that.
After Joy Yee, mi fam and i were walking down the mall and i asked mi mom about her comment. she said she though i looked like i felt guilty even though i didn't eat much and she was a little worried. i laughed and said puking was not enjoyable for me and that "she would never have to wonder about me being bulimic" (*beacause I'm anorexic* thought inside of head). so she laughed with me.
we then went to the lake front to people watch and as you can tell from the title, i am black. mi fam's fav pastime is going to an urban area (beach, park, Downtown Jewel-Osco) anywhere with an interesting assortment of people and talking about them. yes, we talk about people. we talk about the nerd with the super beautiful GF that he's paying through the ass for or the massively overweight girl who thinks she can wear skintight leggings. here's the thing about the black women: they are all so FAT. in fact mi fam and i's nickname for them is animes. because they are so fat it looks not at all real, but ANIMATION. they're asses are so big they look like if they sat on your car dashbord it would be a tight fit. width-wise.ya, i kno. technically, i'm okay for a black girl, but i'm still fat. i'm just no wear near as fat as average. in fact in a recent TEEN VOGUE article, minorites are 50% more likely than white girls to have bulima or an ED. why??? because we are continually surrounded by reverse thinspo! I seek to be real thinspo, not reverse.
NEway, excuse the mini rant,so l8r on mi dad wanted to take a walk down the lake front. i didn't feel like it. he's all oh come on, as he hit mi thigh. Ana clicked over in mi head "he's reminding you how fat you are and how you need the exercise, you should be doing it yourself. you're doing good, but not good enough." I was all abord for the walk like a split personality. we left mi mom in the car because she wanted to sleep, her body isn't used to such a high intake of grease as she and i haven't had it in a month. i walked mi dad for a mile down the lake and came back for a total of 2 miles. i burned 360cals.
from there we went to Borders and i starting reading "The Best Little Girl In the World" which is pretty interesting so far. it's only $6.99 so i plan on buying it when i get some money. after borders we went back to Joy Yee where i got a Pomergrante Peach Smoothie. I was happy until i calculated that it had 450cals. then i felt like shit. even more over because mi dad got a green tea, which probably had only 250cals since there was no fruit in it and i would've gotten caffine and a boost to mi metabolism. Damn i felt bad. I figited yesterday to bburn off blueberries BTW.
so total cals yesterday: 950cals, under the dreaded 1000 and great for a weekend.
Work Out cals: -360cals
Net Cals: 590cals
Total Deficit: -2002cals
I also decided i need a scale super badly. I should get some kickback from mi school scholarships and hopefully i won't have to give it all back to mi parents for books. then i'll buy a scale from the medical supply store around mi house. should be really accurate. I lost another inch from mi thighs BTW and I've only had mi blueberries and some juice i faked drinking for mi mom, so thrity cals total (had to dirty up juice cup and have mi breath kinda smell like it).
Hope you guys are doing well and I'm going to go and read y'alls blogs now.
Scarlet <3
ps, i might post thinspo in next post. i love Jaslene Gonzales and Naomi Cambell and Agyness Deyn.


  1. I just want to lose weight get back to that cute me. I'm 17 my husband doesn't understand how my new weight gain makes me feel. He think I look great. I am 170 pounds I went from 123 to 170 after I met my husband in less than 6 months. I hate this. I'm lucky he loves me but still I'm a whale I'm only 5'3 I should be like 115 or 110 I hate this

  2. I'm in the same boat. I been restricting to 300 to 500 cals a day. I hate my curves. All I want to be is skinny . I hate when people say black girls love curves . No that's bull because not all of us want our curves. I hate being bulimic. So for the last month I have only restricted. I want to be 115. Not the 140 I am right now. I just have to take it one day at a time unfortunately.