Thursday, December 31, 2009


I think I finally understand why I have been overweight most of my life. I get bored. The newness rubs off and the motivation lags. I want microwave type results but I'm always in the slow cooker. I did do my fast, but I was thinking to myself the whole time "I do not want this to happen five times out of the week." I know I would be skinny and all, but I was born with a rebellious streak. I get good grades because people at my age shouldn't be able to handle the level of work that I do. I go against convention A LOT. In most everything I do. Not intentionally, it just happens. Most of the time it works out for me. But this is besides the point. For most of my life I have allowed myself to get bored with the new shiny "diet" and fall into old habits. Because I refuse to accept the fact that I'm bored. So I accept it, I'm bored with Hopscotch after a week. So pitiful I know but I have a new idea for 2010: there are no plans. I will fly by the seat of my ass and hope that these smarts of mine aid me beyond school. I will still starve per se, but I'll do it without my knowledge if that makes any sense. Nothing is off limits food wise, so it's not the question of can I have this, it's do I even want this shit? For example, say I'm in a restaurant and I see something totally fattening and delicious sounding. I could eat it, but why? What does it do for me? It's a balance of pros and cons. Cons: it's fattening, it will make me feel guilty, I am not guaranteed to be able to work it off in exercise, it will most likely lead to other bad food choices which in turn will make me fat. Hmmm...ok. Pros: it tastes good and will make me happy (maybe, remember the guilt complex) for the time that I am eating it. So add it up: five cons to two pros. I don't eat it. Now say I want a salad such as my beloved pecan and feta. Cons: feta is cheese and therefore fattening, pecans are fattening, the dressing may be fattening. Pros: the pecans and the feta together are about the size of the palm of my hands, I won't feel guilty eating it, only a two tbsp container of dressing is included, it has lots of greens to give me nutrients. Add it up: three cons to four pros. I eat. With this check and balance system I can fight things. If at the end of the pro con war I STILL want it, maybe I can have a little, but I doubt after thinking about how guilty I'll feel after eating it, I'll feel guilty even considering it. So I'll eat everyday in small meals. I'll still count calories to keep myself in check and I'll buy a new freaking scale. I have a deadline. I need to have made amazing progress by august. I need to be like 140 or 130. I had 112 pounds to lose since buying my scale and I want most of them gone by the time august comes. I have that goal for a few reasons: I want to be thin (duh!), that's the one year anniversary of me buying my scale (even if it's complete shit now, it wasn't then), and that guy I liked from my orgo class? He's going to be in Ireland for the spring semester, but he'll be back and most likely in one of my classes in the fall and I wanna be smokin' hot. I want a fucking double take. Also, I turn eighteen in the fall which will officially take me off the "jail bait" list (can you say open season??) AND all the new freshmen come in the fall. You know why they call them freshmen? Because they are FRESH MEN. New guys. New hot guys MY AGE! Eeeeeeek!!! And for a girl who's never had a date, that is big stuff to be gorgeous and thin and around a bunch of guys who never saw me fat. Heaven.
So this is MISSION 2010. I am Jamie Bond and you guys are my sector MI6. Do you accept the challenge?
Scarlet <3
PS: Happy New Year!!!!!!

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