Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Can You Pinch An Inch?

Hey guys!
Yes i kno i blinked out, but i was having some major issues and i hate telling you guys when i screw up because it makes me feel like more of a failure. I already badger myself everytime i see a nice sized average girl (not the skinny i want, but smaller than me at the moment) and i think, you could've been that, normal, you didn't have to let yourself get like this. and then when i gain or screw up i'm just like, look how weak you are you cow. harsh, i kno, but it's the only way i can deal with myself. my weight was at 226.5 yesterday, and then i went out to eat and came home i weighed 230. i panicked, because i kno my metabolism at optimal speed burns off 2.5 lbs. period. so i took a cocktail of pills and let it all go. i recently have started using some of my stash of diuretics as i have used up all of those laxies (tsk,tsk, how did 48 go so fast??). my dad takes Rx diuretics and has me cut them in half for him for his doses, so i swipe some. it's not like he keeps track because he only uses them when he's got fluid build-up. so this time around i swiped 12pills. and as of today i have taken 2. my weight this morning was 223, only one pound off from being able to say i lost 20 pounds since i bought my scale. i can't afford any screwups rite now. i need to be 220 by monday. i made a new goal as it seems i don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting <200 by nov. 7 (my b-day!) so my new goal is 212. thirty pounds in three months would be marvelous. i am not far off, just eleven pounds. if i watch it i should be able to do it.
today was a bit of a disaster, as i ate shrimp pad thai that looked like it could've fed 3 starving children no prob. and i ate all of it. i have never considered purging more in my life, but i just won't do it. and interesting thing, thai restaurants seem to be the bulimic wonderland. all of the bathrooms are SINGLES, meaning no one strolls in on the purge (if i were actually doing it...) and if you carry visine or something, no telltale eye redness!!! but i can't and won't purge. i'll berate myself until i stop eating so much. i was reading a book today that said not to have a ton of cals in one swoop, because the body will store them as fat. so new plan is to eat very little at multiple times in the day. that way i'll be able to go to sleep the same weight i woke up at and lose weight (and no eating after 7!!!! i've had a tuff time sticking to that but definetly nothing after 8 on more than most days). let's see how it works shall we?
The push for 212 and under is on: How low can i go?
Scarlet <3

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