I'm not as happy today as I was yesterday. My weight is 212.8, which is my low weight, and yeah I'm happy about it, but it could've been lower if I hadn't let my brain get in the way of my goals. Yesterday I was doing awesome, I had just gotten gum and seltzer water. Then when we came home and my mom had left for work, my dad spent all this time talking about how he wants a divorce with my mom because she's "mean, and treats him badly" and there's a ton of other stuff I can't tell you guys about. I talked him down but it took a lot outta me. And I just needed something to fill in the cracks... So I decided on a chew and spit session that turned into a chew and swallow, which turned into a purge. It was just two pieces of bread and an apple but still. Then I jogged for an hour instead of for just thirty minutes. I think I made up for the slip, so I am still counting days on the fast. I think my body is holding on to the water because of the purge, but I'm okay. Food is not the cure all. Fuck food. Look what it did, even after I purged it and exercised it away!!! I will show my body who's boss. I'm already at my low weight and I'm not stopping, I am going to pound down those numbers till I see 195 (my "safe zone") then I'm gonna switch to a liquid fast until I am satisfied. I have to do this. I have to do this. I have everything right beyond my fingertips. I have to push for it. As my parents have always told me: everything that's out there now will still be out there when you finish this that and the other. Every food will still be out there when I finish this. I'm not missing anything. If I sacrifice for two months I can get everything I want. I want it. I want it now!
Comments!
Ana Banana: omg babe I want that feeling so badly!!!!!! I am pushing towards the mark! And yeah the people in pro-ana land are honest and non-judgemental! Woot!<3
Victoria Crimson: aww, thanks! Haha, yes I want it more than anything right now, I wanna see a number that does not start with 2!!!<3
Jenny: hey babe I didn't see your comment on my other post before I posted my last post!!! It's funny I posted one minute after you commented!!!! I'm so glad to make you proud though!!<3
Off to take over the world!
XOXO,
Scarlet<3
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
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You know sweetie, don't worry, it's not ok, but don't do it again and everything WILL be fine. And you'll be LOOKING very fine soon enough if you stay on track! You really are doing great, you know! I'm beginning to think your dad is a bad influence though. Isn't this the second food run-in with your dad in the last month or so?
ReplyDeletehey
ReplyDeletei really hope your parents will be ok and dont get a divorce.
You are doing really great youe will be 195 in no time and then even lower.
gracile
I believe my step dad has the same influence on me. Stay strong though. ( :
ReplyDeleteYou know what? You're awesome. Basically.
ReplyDeleteSo.
Yeah.
...
-awkward comment-
I don't have much to say lately, but I can say that you're perfectly wonderful.
Aww scarlet. I've missed you so much, or your blog moreso because you have been right there all through the rough time I'm dealing with right now. Your doing so good and I'm so proud of you. You sound agressive. But honey just so you know you can talk to us about any thing that ever happenes in your life. There won't be something you can say that us, your blogging friends, will say any thing a normal person would say to you. We can't do any thing but help and love and support you. Your going to be 195 in no time honey. Two months? You have it. I'm sorry your dad and mom are haveing issues, well unlesss your crazy like ma and want them to get divorce over with.
ReplyDelete