Life Unexpected

Oh gosh I am so sorry for being away.
The watermelon mono went pretty well, I got down to 328.8 which is a new low weight!! Yay! I even went to the gym. And then I woke up with a sore throat and cough. Boo.
I actually wound up going out on friday night, on water and 200 calories of eggs and mayo (I was planning on doing a fat fast and then my best friend came and kidnapped me). Later on I had one of those chipotle burrito bowls but I only ate like idk 75%  of it. Lots of dancing, LOTS OF ALCOHOL. I must've had at least 8 drinks. Didn't really get drunk though, surprisingly. Apparently chipotle just absorbs alcohol. I was out from like 6pm-2am and my poor feet were practically hobbled by the time I got back. My feet still sort of hurt right now which is really sad.
I got down to 328.6 today which I think is mostly due to dehydration so we shall see. I didn't count cals today because I am honestly trying to eat as much as possible to get rid of this cold. I have stuffed nose now too. Coughing and sore throat I can deal with but stuffed nose just annoys me so much, breathing is important. Unfortunately because I'm sick my appetite is like nothing. I didn't eat until 7pm today. I had two sandwiches. My bf tried to get me to eat more later and I wound up just having some lemon sorbet (trying to stay away from dairy because it makes the stuffed nose worse). On any other day I would be super proud but I feel like I won't get better if I don't eat more. But oh well.
I'm currently running on three hours of sleep because my nose stopped up while I was sleeping and then I got into some sneezing and coughing fits that were super loud so I just left my room so I wouldn't wake up my roommate. She's going to church early though so I can sleep in less than two hours. Yay.
Ugh i am so tired and achy. But you guys deserved an update. I am still fighting the good fight, maybe too well I need to get over this cold haha.
XOXO,
Scarlet

It's Aliveee!!!

Thank you guys for all your congrats on the weight loss!!! :)

So apparently my metabolism is my boss now. Like remember when I used to not get hungry? Yeahhhh that doesn't happen anymore. I get hungry a lot now. I think it's because of the week I did all that vegetable and fruit stuff, it woke up my metabolism. On the brightside this means I don't suffer too much for screw-ups, on the bad side this means that if I don't eat a screw up is inevitable because HANGRY. But yay for metabolism working!!!

I figured this out yesterday when I tried to water fast. EEP. By 6pm I was in a fetal position on the floor begging for food. I've never felt my hunger that strong before. I didn't binge, but I might as well have eaten that day since restricting didn't even happen. So now I have that on top of the BBQ weight. *sad face*. I'm only 2 lbs up total though so I can still lose that AND have an overall loss for the week by monday.

Today I've had Kefir (500 cals) it's like yogurt basically and I drank the amount I did so it can get my insides moving. The sooner this BBQ and yesterday's food is out of me the better. I drank a ton of water to ease any water retention, and to top it all off I went and bought a bunch of watermelon. I'm thinking of doing a watermelon mono tomorrow. I'm also supposed to go to the gym tomorrow with my roommate so fat burning all around. Yeah I had a bad day but letting it wallow and fester into the next and make a bunch of bad days it's better for me to accept it and move on. Weight loss is all about knowing what works and what doesn't and avoiding binging.

I'm also not going to my friends birthday thing. A BBQ is a bad idea. A bunch of alcohol is a bad idea. And ew pictures.

XOXO,
Scarlet

Small Victory

Weigh in Day!!!!

229.6.
YAY.
That's like 5 pounds, not bad, I'll take it. Finally got under that damned 330. This week I think I'm gonna go even more hardcore, maybe toss in a few fasts. Mostly because I had bbq today. Nothing major considering most of it is just meat, but I need to keep the progress going and  even if this day doesn't really affect anything, making it up with a fast isn't going to hurt me.

I figured out how to weigh myself. No I didn't do it naked. But I weigh in a pair of short shorts and a tshirt. Just gotta listen in the hallway before I weigh so that no one sees me. Takes about a minute to weigh in so ehhh.  It works best when it's early and everyone is sleep. Which means I might be able to weigh daily once I get my new job. It starts at 8:30am which means I'll be up waaay before everyone else in the house.

Oh and I went to visit home yesterday, my parents said I look like I'm losing weight. Amazing what a difference in a week. Apparently I am human again and not a gelatinous blob. Yay. Jerks. But compliments are compliments.

Also my friend wants to have a birthday party on friday, a bbq and bar hopping. Never been bar hopping, but I think on thursday I'll go shopping for some nice clothes. Hell I should fast until friday and be as skinny as possible....we shall see. Maybe.

SO:
-New low weight
-Fasting tomorrow (liquid probably)
-Almost everyday weighing!!

Happy Memorial Day!!
XOXO,
Scarlet

Moar Money Plz

I forgot I was poor.
So very very poor.
My bank account cannot under any condition handle paying like $70 a week on food. Yes, I got skinnier. Yes, it's healthy. But gosh it will make me more broke than an ugly hooker. So I have to crawl back to restricting hardcore and counting all the calories than this wonderful week of healthy food merriment. Oh well.
On the brightside I just got a new job :) so I will have a bit more money soon and be able to work vegetables and fruit back into my diet.

Today was the transition with the remainder of my healthy food into my less than healthy alternatives. I didn't have much money left after the health food push so idk I got random things that were lowish in calories. I had watermelon for breakfast and lunch (200-300 cal) and I just had chicken alfredo for dinner (550). So my day total is 750-850 which is really good considering I'm not even hungry. I just hope nothing crazy happens with my body before monday because I NEED to see an amazing number. I know I've lost some weight because at 3:30am this morning I weighed myself in the hallway of the fraternity I'm in for the summer. I was 333.6 at night and in clothes which gives me hope for what i actually weigh. I'm gonna figure out a way to weigh in naked and in the daytime without people seeing me.

I haven't started working out yet because I am a sleepy lazy cat. Also someone just got robbed on campus so I am not too keen about walking around. *Shrug* I'll start floor exercises soon. Squats and..idk pushups and lunges and situps. I don't know haha.

Comments!
Sam: Haha you should see my room for the summer. My clothes are just in bags and shoved into this tiny closet. I miss my normal dorm room soooooo badly. I can't find anything and it's so annoying. I think once I get skinny enough I'll just give all of these clothes away in one go and restart with a small reasonable amount of clothes! Yeah I was way easier on myself when I knew I wasn't eating crap food. When I ate watermelon earlier I didn't even look up calories until I was tallying for the day. But as soon as I break out pasta there were measuring cups and calculators. Odd thing.
Cursum Perficio: YES ALL THE VEGGIES!! (I wish I could afford them haha)

XOXO,
Scarlet :)

Fruit and Salads and Water Oh My!

Weird things are happening.

I look skinny as hell. Like zero bloat, my stomach is flattish and my waist nips in wonderfully in this hourglass thing.

It's only been two days. 

Also yesterday I had a late night snack run with my boyfriend (had to go pick up my birth control) and I got pineapples, water, and some yogurt. And I was happy and satisfied to have them. This coming from the girl who keeps starbursts in business. I'm changing and it's lovely. :)

I was absolutely ravenous yesterday so I ate some more salad than usual. And I was panicking about it until my boyfriend made me realize I was fretting about salad. Actual healthy salad not a calorie bomb pretending to be salad. And since I look so small today I guess no harm no foul.

Today I had pineapple for breakfast, and a salad about an hour ago (3pm). I'll probably have another salad later and some more pineapple.

I want to use my scale so badly. Dammit the 26th can't come fast enough.

PSA: I cleaned up my email so people can email me now. transparentbeauty@gmail.com

Comments: 

Sam: I have accepted my parents are crazy and mostly responsible for my ED issues. I feel like they have some of their own. My bf hasn't done anything but encourage me in all aspects of my life but they think he is a jinx. I know exactly what you mean about the small waist big hips thing. It's good and annoying at the same time. I also have my boobs the same size as my hips so on one hand if I wear form fitting things the shape is very attractive, if it's not form fitting I look like a brick. Try doing cardio maybe that will tone down the hips? haha large frame, ditto. Yeah 135 is my goal weight but I might look like a skeleton if I do that because my bones are huge. My collar bones are mildly visible even at the size I am now. Sigh.

XOXO,

Scarlet

The Start

Hola!!

So today I started my new diet and it's working out so far. I had about 800 cals today max. I altered the rules of the diet a bit, but not drastically. I made a chicken waldorf salad from scratch today and it was amazing. As you know the dressing is nowhere near being a vinagrette, but the recipe I used was 365 cal a serving, with 4 servings. I added a bunch of mixed greens in and sectioned it into 5 servings. So maybe I cut it down to like 300cal a serving but just to be safe I'll use the facts I know lol. So around 6:30pm I had one serving and a granny smith apple, and then again at like 10:30pm (I woke up from a nap, no apple).

I was so sad earlier because the room I moved into for the summer has carpeted floors. CARPET. MOST UNEVEN SURFACE IN THE HISTORY OF SURFACES. My scale won't even register a reading. So I don't know what I weigh right now. I think last time I weighed in my old room was on saturday and I was 334. So I guess I'll go with that for my starting weight. I just started my period so idk but I'll be able to weigh myself again when the school gym opens up on the 26th. My goal is to see something dramatic by that time. I didn't work out today technically, but I did a lot of walking around.

I have the motivation of a million women right now though because I had the joy of going home on Sunday for my weekly dose of tearing down my self esteem and life choices. It was the same rhetoric, my parents still hate my boyfriend and think he has ruined my life. I have "pissed away" my phd, I am apparently ridiculously fat and look like I have gained 200lbs since I started grad school (even though I have only gained 100, still terrible but I mean really). Also when my boyfriend tells me I don't need makeup (not that I can't wear makeup, just that I don't need it to be pretty and if I don't feel like putting it on that's fine) he is lying to me. Also when he says I look fine the way I am (again, not that I can't lose weight, but if I don't want to I'm fine. But he supports whatever I wanna do) he is again lying and I look huge. According to them he just wants to make me look unattractive so people won't pursue me. Great. I guess they mean well, but god hearing all of that hurts. I like the fact that my boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful, excuse me for enjoying being loved. So my goal has two parts: One I want to finally get skinny. The next one is that I wanna be skinny before they lose all their weight so I can be a complete bitch to them. Oh I forgot one part about the self esteem assassination mission: When they came to pick me up from campus they happened to pull up along side me from behind and my dad decided to do fake catcalls to me (you know like hey sexy or whatever), he thinks its funny as if I'm going to wonder who is catcalling me like I don't know his voice. The one he picked yesterday was "hey slim" and I felt really good about myself because I have been doing a ton of physical activity with all the moving and I haven't even been eating much so I thought I looked slimmer since I thought I have been seeing a bit of a difference. So when I got in the car I was all "you really think I'm getting slimmer?" and he was all "It was just a catcall like hey sexy or whatever. What, oh are you trying? Are you trying to lose weight?" I was crushed. All I talk about is losing weight. I told them I lost ten pounds like a few weeks ago (it was a lie but still). AM I TRYING? When am I not trying is a better question. So that happened. I wanna do the same thing to them when I am skinny. I didn't talk for the rest of the car ride and when he asked why I wasn't talking I said it was because I was thirsty. So he went to wendy's and I got a salad and a drink. My parents both got frostys. Then we went to walgreen's where I got nothing but my dad got two packets of cookies and my mom got a packet of cookies and two honey buns. Fat asses. They did all that fasting bullshit and now they are off of it and haven't stopped stuffing their faces since. But I'M the one not trying right. Whatever. So that is my fuel for this.

I will not be stopped.

I have to figure out working out, I'll probably just go for walks.  :)

Comments:
Sam: Yeah it's a bit of a pickle but I'm gonna get through it.
Alia: Hey! Dude 120 doesn't seem crazy, my goal is 135 though I have no idea what I will look like at that weight but it's just at the threshold of underweight/normal weight. Sure we can help each other, do you have a blog? I have an email but it's full of spam and annoying people who want to interview "disordered girls" so I stopped checking it. Let me know :)

XOXO,
Scarlet

Updates

Hello Again.
Sorry.
I know I disappeared.
I'll admit I was really depressed, but thank you guys for all of your support. I shouldn't have disappeared this is not how I should cope with things. I just got a bit overwhelmed I guess. I had finals, I met with one of my professors who told me he doesn't have money either. If I can't get someone who will fund me I have to get a master's. Not terrible but not what I worked so hard for. I've just been very introspective lately and I got so caught up in my own head I didn't get to come over here and let you guys know what's up.
1) Final grades: 2 B, 1 A :)
2) No Prof yet, working on it.
3) Got a thing in the summer that will pay me 2 grand :)
4) No idea what my weight is
5) SUPER STRESSED ABOUT THE FUNDING THING.
6) Moving into summer housing sooon, and cleaning.

I haven't been eating well. Too much. No idea what my weight is but I'm most likely up the four pounds I lost. BUT it's summer and I don't have anything to do. No excuses.

THE PLAN:
-Only fruits and veggies...mostly fruits like watermelon.
-No starch veggies. NONE.
-Allowed drinks: G2, Sugar Free red bull
-Exercise EVERYDAY. Any way.

So that is my summer plan. I stick to that day by day I will be skinny. I will take my multivitamins so I don't die and I should be fine. The plan will start when I get a fridge and finish moving. Which should be by Sunday at the latest which means I have a week to clean up my act a bit before I have to weigh in monday morning and begin. Super busy until then  so I will be back in a week my darlings. :)

XOXO,
Scarlet

FML

Life hates me.

I got down to my low weight. 4 lbs down total. Then I ate maybe 800 cal and went to a party where I danced for three hours. I drank a bunch of water because thirst. I weighed yesterday morning: 3 lbs up. Go to meet with my advisor, she told me she doesn't want me in her lab any more and I can either try to get into a different lab or leave with my masters. She picked apart everything I have done in the past year and basically told me it was nothing and I wasn't worth the money she spent sponsoring me.

I don't know what I weigh. I don't care. I haven't eaten much. I have been drinking. I hate life right now. I have to find a new lab and hope it works out.

Comments:
Sam: I'm studying chemical engineering. I would write a more interesting response but not in a good mood right now. Here's a smiley to make up for it :)

Scarlet

Bonnie and Clyde

So apparently my mind and body are freakin Bonnie and Clyde together. I went to the buffet and ate reservedly. I had technically three plates, but I didn't eat much. I made sure everything on the plates was well separated (if you ever go to a buffet you know people make those plates with all the food piled all over each other and still eat five plates that look like that) and I stayed away from starches and stuff and aligned myself with the proteins and veggies. I had like two chicken dishes (maybe a 1/3 of the plate each), a bunch of creamed spinach (I know it sounds weird but I'm in love with it), some salmon (absolutely disgusting the way they made it, did not eat), some cucumber salad (again, ehh, did not eat), and a salsa type salad something (again, did not eat). So my two plates of actual food narrowed to one. Then dessert was like a cup of sherbert and some tiramisu and pineapples. No candy the whole day, nothing extra. Not bad. I was actually kinda proud of myself. Until much later. I had a raging headache with no idea why. My stomach also was a little flip floppy, so I convinced myself that lemonade with a hearty helping of vodka would help me forget all about my headache. Well, not exactly. I did wind up projectile vomiting in my boyfriend's bathroom (and on the walls) while he was at work. Thankfully his roommate wasn't around, and technically speaking their bathroom was cleaner after I cleaned up my mess than before said mess occurred. So even though I am sure calories were absorbed already, when I weighed in the morning after I was the same beautiful weight. I can't say I'm sad about getting sick from the food. I didn't make it happen, it was really making me sick *shrugs*.

Today I was up about 1.5, but I blame that on water weight. Throwing up + period= water weight. I know this so I'm not freaking out. Today was supposed to be a liquid fast, but now it's liquids, one cupcake, and three tortilla chips. *shrugs* I just won't eat anything else, it's 3pm and I'm not hungry so I'll live. I've stacked myself with my multivitamins with the caffeine along with a red bull. We shall see how my weight looks tomorrow, my goal was to lose 80 lbs between now (or last week rather) and the end of august. So I have like 12 weeks until school starts which means 6.7 lbs per week. I am only down two lbs right now so I need to lose like five more before Monday. Which makes this week 1 of 12. I can definitely lose 5 by Monday, provided no one messes with me but I should be fine. Super busy with lab, stupid projects, and studying for finals. EEP. Can't wait until summer so I can just hide in the lab all day without the stress of schoolwork.

Comments!
Sam: Finally subscribed to your blog lol :)  Lol I hate easter candy, it's all really sweet and everything is chocolate, surprisingly I am not a big chocolate fan. I like valentine's day candy where everything is tart and fruit flavored haha. Your reaction to my boobs is the same as everyone, they are freaking huge. My boyfriend has on more than one occasion worn one of my bra cups as a hat...a very large hat. Thankfully I'm tall so they don't look ridiculous, and my muscles (that are quite strong and prominent even though I haven't worked out in ages) hold them up and don't give me back pain :)

XOXO,
Scarlet
Current Lbs lost: 2
Current Lbs to go: 78
Most lost so far: 4

Woop! WTF, but WOOP!

Step on scale. Read weight. Look Confused. Step on scale again. Same weight. Look confused but dance.

Somehow, someway the universe has broken itself. I am down like I think 1.5 lbs since I last wrote, but yesterday my weight fucking SKYROCKETED. Like to the point where my overall loss was only like a half pound total. I wanted to cry. I didn't want to eat, didn't want to go to the stupid formal thing, I just wanted to sit in bed and loathe myself.

Of course I didn't do that. I drug my fat ass to the shower, cried a little, got dressed, struggled to put on strappy heels (like seriously, i'll explain), and went to the formal. Smiled, took pictures, ate the dinner, and thought to myself that it wouldn't be terrible for the ceiling to fall in on my chair. Yeah I wasn't in a good state. This was mostly due to the scale and THOSE DAMN SHOES. I have large bones. I don't mean those excuses people use when they are fat, I am fat and have very large bones. Which is mostly why I don't look as heavy as I am. Fucking bones man. So these heels do that fun criss-cross across the instep and secure with the buckle thing at the ankle. TERRIBLE. The damn things wouldn't close. I couldn't begin to get the strap through I was so sad. I eventually got them on with my roommate's help but you wouldn't believe how terrible I felt. Of course my roommate kept saying it was probably just the angle that I was putting them on at because once they were fastened it wasn't like there was fat pouring all over the straps or anything and the straps were still moveable so it wasn't like they were too small for me. Of course I wasn't listening to her. I was agonizing that it took me 15 minutes to but on some heels and this must mean that I am growing exponentially. So that was why I was hoping for a very selecting sinkhole to swallow me up.

The whole dinner I was just thinking about calories. Honestly I was going crazy even though I think I had only had maybe 400 so far before the dinner. Then after the dinner we all took pictures, I got more depressed ( I thought I looked terrible. Looking today the pictures aren't bad. Perception is a bitch.) and gave up on life. Hung out with my boyfriend, had sex to make myself feel more attractive (can't say that was a bad idea. Fucking amazing idea. I still felt fat but I was warm and tingly haha), and ate late night pizza (again the giving up on life thing).

I can't say what I expected to see on the scale today. I just got on it and poof! Super low weight that is just WTF. My overall loss is 4 lbs now. I don't get it. But I won't complain haha. Still haven't started my period yet, it's going to pop up at the most inopportune time and just ruin my life and that's okay I guess because being a girl.

Unfortunately my weight loss will be shortlived as tomorrow is easter and the early celebration of my dad's birthday and he wants to go to a buffet restaurant at 11 am in the morning. MY LIFE.

That is me in my dress with gratuitous boob window.

Comments!

Sam: LUCKY!! Lol always hungry means your metabolism is working. Mine just sits around like a lazy teenage stoner. I have to boost it with multivitamins that are stacked with caffeine. Twice? Awww :) Congrats on the two pounds you're doing awesome!! Also I think I might be retarded because I can't figure out how to subscribe on your blog. Help!

Onyx: I've never seen the gopicnic ones! I've only run across the "uploaded" ones that are for older kids. Eh, I don't mind though the smaller they are the less calories they have haha

weight lost so far: 4 lbs
weight to go: some more lol

XOXO,

Scarlet

Mother Nature

So I am supposed to start my period in like one or two days. I am NOT happy about this at all. On the brightside though, my weight has only gone up like a half a pound in the past two days. I can say without any guilt that is definitely water weight. The other problem with this is that the cravings are fucking ridiculous. I want everything. I have resisted though thanks to 1, not having the stuff I want around, and 2, being stuck in my lab and doing work or whatever. Also I have to go to an event tomorrow where I will wear a formal dress and have to take pictures so that is motivation times infinity.

Just gotta weather the storm. I feel super big even though I'm not any different. This sucks.

I just ate my lunchables after avoiding going to the university caf with my roommate. She invited me and I'm like a whole place full of as much food as I want when I'm in this state? NAAAAAAAAH. I would leave as a fucking whale. Well, a bigger whale but whatever. NAAAAAAH.

Comments!

Sam: lmao pretty sure my metabolism is broken. Has been for the longest, it takes me a long time to get hungry and if I wait that long I'll be completely ravenous so I normally just time when I eat regardless of how I feel (unless I actually did eat a bunch of food and the fullness is legit) just to stave off the ravenous cliff my hunger will jump off of. Lunchables aren't that weird, it's just having crackers with meat and cheese lol.

XOXO,
Scarlet

Weight Lost so far: 2.5lbs
Weight to go: Zillions

Lunchables

Down a pound today! :)
nothing much, slaving in a lab as per usual.
Also lunchables are amazing. THEY HAVE THE CALORIES ON THE FRONT AND THEY ARE ONLY LIKE 250 cals. Loooooooooooooooooooove. I had one with a powerade for lunch (? it was at like 3...I guess still lunch). So I'm at 380 right now. Yay! :)
Not hungry yet so dinner will be around 8 or something.

XOXO,
Scarlet

Progressssss

Okay so the weekend was kinda bad, but I've maintained a 2lb loss so far. I'm only going to lose more this week. I mean I only started Thursday haha.

Anyways, nothing much to update right now. It's 3:30pm and I haven't had anything today, not even water (which is bad I know). So eh. I have class at 5 until about 8 and I am dead tired and I have to work on a paper and proctor an exam tomorrow so I am crazy busy. Ain't nobody got time for food.

Hopefully I can drop a good 7 lbs this week.

Comments!
Onyx: 1300 isn't a bad number, I just can't tell myself that is my aim because I tend to go over so I set my goals lower to make up for my anticipated screw ups. And if I don't screw up I have a super low cal count :) Good luck to you too!!

I really need to catch up on blogs. But everything else is taking up my time. I promise I'll try to read blogs when I can.

XOXO,
Scarlet

Momentum

I'm so happy. I didn't end up finishing at that 500 cals yesterday, closer to 1000 because I ate dinner (salad and creamed spinach it wasn't super exciting), BUT I was down 1.6 lbs today :)

Today was even better than yesterday. I had a salad earlier and a cup of fruit. About 250 cal. And I just now had dinner (a sandwich and some watermelon). At most I'm probably at about 750-800 for the day. It's glorious.

XOXO,
Scarlet

Back to Life

Yay I'm back!!! I passed my qualifying exam so I get to stay in my program and I'm back to long hours in my professor's lab which means long hours without food in my face :)
So I good news and bad news. The good news is I didn't gain any weight in this time. The bad news is I didn't lose any weight in this time. Shame I know, but I would rather be in this situation than the bad end of the spectrum. Today I haven't eaten anything and it is about 3pm. Sadly I will probably be in this stupid lab until 7ish so no food until then. But by that point unless I'm basically dying I can't see myself eating. Especially when I can say I just went to one of the restaurants across the street and ate food and no one can argue with me.
Cals for today:
Strawberry/Pineapple "smoothie": 300 cals (it's just strawberry flavoring and pineapple and ice)
Water (1.5 L): 0
Brisk (1L): 210 ( I haven't had it yet but I bought it which means I'm gonna drink it)
Total: 510cals

If I can keep it to that I will be one super happy chica. I did calculations and if I wanna lose 80lbs by the time fall semester starts (late august), starting now I can have 1300 cals a day if I do moderate exercise 3-5 days a week. That seems completely attainable because I am not going anywhere near 1300 cals (fuck that shit) and I'll start working out as soon as classes end in may. I also calculated my chances if I don't do any exercise and that would require about 481 cals a day. So I'm on the right track because I am definitely gonna work out and not eat so I should make that goal. I will be 255 by the time school starts which is only 20lbs higher than I was when I started grad school. I looked adorable when I started grad school I was a size 14 on my way to a size 12. Memories. I'm tall so I pull off a size 14 very well. I obviously wanna be smaller than that but just to look like a normal girl and not a land whale would be welcome. I didn't get an internship this summer which means mucho lab work. I'm also going to try and get an on campus job as well so I can work at the dorm desks at night after I have already spent the day in the lab. That way I can work one or two shifts a day (two hour shifts) and go to sleep. Weekends I will do whatever, but I think it is super important that most of my time is occupied. The busier I am the less time I have to eat. And bonus I will get a little bit of extra money. We will see. If I don't get the job I'll just amuse myself with exercise and books. I have my ways.
Hopefully my roommate is super busy in the summer too because she tends to pay attention to when I don't eat or when I look skinnier. But whatever, YOLO.
We shall see where this adventure takes me, but I am so fucking sick of this shit. Like I had to go to a conference and let me tell you trying to find clothes that fit me properly was hell. Granted I went shopping while bloated because my period was coming but still! So annoying and everything was expensive and with every fitting room I felt like killing myself (note: i am not suicidal). It was so demoralizing. I had never felt so ugly in my life. I just wanted to go and sleep for a thousand years and never face the world again. I barely even took pictures at the conference because I felt like a blubberball. Why is fat so powerful? To be able to rob me of the chance to make memories and have things to show my children one day? Anyway gonna show you guys what I look like right now, 333lbs (*cries*) but I look alrightish.

The top one is what I look like now. The bottom one is what I looked like when I started grad school. Probably not the best comparison because I am sure there is a big difference if I had sideways facing pictures but I dont so *shrugs* You can see a big difference in my arms and hips and thighs. And my stomach. and my chest. For fucks sake you can see a difference everywhere. But yeah I want that back. That is my short term goal. I WILL REACH IT BEFORE FALL SEMESTER.

XOXO,

Scarlet

Missing

Hey sorry I'm gonna be pretty busy up until middle of march. Life defining exams and midterms. I'll try to update as much as I can.

Metamorphosis

This is gonna be short...thanks for all the support on my last post. It's honestly so hard dealing with everything in my life and sometimes I feel like it's crushing me. I think about my past, present, and likely future and see a lot of the same problems looming. However if I never either accept them or deal with them they will actually crush me. I think that is the main reason my weight has always been crazy because I have no idea how to cope with problems that are permanent. I have to accept that my parents will always find something wrong with me. Skinny or whatever there will be something and I have no control over that. I am not the favorite child, I am simply the more successful, and instead of trying to get a title I deserve like "favorite" or "best child" I should strive for  my own acceptance, meeting my standards, and what I want for my life. "Best Scarlet" sounds like a good one to aim for. I have to grow up and know that everything will not go my way. I am tired of sitting up at least one night of every semester of grad school crying about how my life sucks and how much stress I am under, comparing myself to others, and allowing myself to be berated and tortured by my parents ideals and other silliness they have filled my life with. They are good parents in the sense that they never abused me, gave me a good home, provided love and affection, and listened to the problems I chose to tell them about. Where they fail is that they can't see the effect they have on their daughter, they don't realize that everything they say I take to heart because I have been so dependent on them for so long. But like I said, it's time to grow up.

If I want to get skinny I am going to have to work for it. No whining, no compromises. Just willpower. I have an 800 cal a day limit. No matter what. I will try to integrate exercise 3-4 times a week. Just that simple. I could be down 50 lbs by the time the formal in april comes around. Keep going and I can be pretty damned skinny by the time school starts again in august. Just have to stick to it and use my time productively rather than sitting around fixating on what I'm eating. Just eat when I'm hungry (empty tummy growling hungry), count my calories, drink my water and get back to life. I have to be better, stronger. I have to adapt. I need to evolve.

This is Scarlet 2.0.

Meh

Hola,

My intake was not the best these past few days unfortunately, but I'm still down about half a pound, so I've got that going for me. I've been hungry all the time. Like ALL THE TIME. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to start my period soon so that is probably the reason. I would know exactly when I'm supposed to start but my stupid doctor wound up making me miss a month of birth control because she wouldn't refill my prescription until I had an appointment. Sigh.

Also I know you guys were asking about my parents liquid fast. Honestly I had no real idea what they were doing since I hadn't been home in a while. But when I saw them they didn't look much skinnier and I was totally confused since I know if I stop eating solids for 45 days I would shrink super fast. It turns out they are just blending stuff? Like they were buying beans and pita chips, and when I gave them that WTF face they were all oh we just put them in the blender and then drink it. Yes, you read that right. Put can of beans and a bunch of pita chips in a blender and drink it. Voila liquids! No. No. No. If I put a pizza in a blender and drink it that doesn't make it a liquid. Honestly they would be better off just eating whatever they are blending normally. And to think they almost made me feel bad for not being on their diet with them even though "I need it." On top of that my mom didn't even agree with me that my friend was being a jerk when she commented on my weight. She told me that "perhaps she was trying to be a friend and it's just a touchy subject with you. Your weight has gone up in jumps in between the times she sees you so maybe it scared her and this was her way of getting you to slow down." WAT. Is she fucking kidding me? It's shit like this. This is why I have an eating disorder (weight up or down my relationship with food is not normal). Because anyone can step all over me and treat me like dirt because I'm fat. It's acceptable. I don't get back up on anything ever. I'm never good enough no matter what I do as long as I am fat I am sub-human.  They even said something along these lines when I was early into my relationship with my boyfriend. His ex is a 3rd year in my major and I happen to be her TA from time to time because I'm a PhD Candidate. I'm her age, probably a couple of months younger actually, and I'm way prettier and well liked. When I was comparing myself to her in a conversation with my parents, they said yeah I have all this stuff that I'm better than her at, but even so she can still talk about me to people and call me fat. And people will giggle with her because she is slim. WAT. That is always my reaction. They even said my roommate (who is my friend and genuinely nice) probably talks about me with her mom about how fat I am since my roommate is a stick (she honestly is. So tiny, but she hates it). WAT. So now you know where all of my anxiety about weight and success comes from. I hope they don't lose a single pound on their stupid diets.

In the arena of my boyfriend and FWB thing...well my boyfriend and I stopped having sex. I should explain. I didn't mention it before but my boyfriend has recently (like last semester) developed this problem...with his dick. Like he can get it up once, do it, and then it's dead forever. Won't get hard again just kaput. This is of course different from what I'm used to as the semester before this happened we could do it like 3 times a night, every night of the week almost. It's driving me nuts and I picked not having sex at all over this really sad disappointing sex. I love sex. I do. So I will climb the walls if I don't have sex but I will climb the walls more if I have it and it just isn't enough. The problem with this is that I think my FWB can tell that I am starting to climb the walls. And I am not good once I get all hot and bothered, but I REFUSE to cheat. Like actually cheat. As in have sex cheat. I just can't, that is not the person I am. I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind especially lately because  I saw my FWB's dick. It's beautiful. bigger than my boyfriend's, and it looks like rainbows will come out of it if I do my FWB. But I won't. Even though I did cry after I made the decision not to have sex anymore. The only real saving grace I have is that I am not a cheater. I may be many things but I am not and will not be that. The terrible thing is I feel like my bf and I will break up soon. I adore him but he is changing in weird ways.  Like today there is this freshman in our organization (on campus club thing) and he has a crush on me. It's adorable and no I'm not acting on it in anyway. Anywho, this kid was all starry eyed today and talking about if I were to call him he would answer immediately and without hesitation over anyone else calling him. And my loving bf says OUTLOUD IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING that the kid only feels that way because I have big boobs. WAT. Then later we were eating lunch and my bf tells me that the kid is at the time in his life where his hormones are flinging everywhere and he's sure all of this is just a phase. WAT. So I'm big boobs and a phase. It couldn't possibly be that I am a nice person, and funny, and pretty, with a winning personality, nope only boobs. And no one could possibly really like me it must be a phase. Honestly, everyone who has ever liked me still likes me. Once you have a crush on me it lasts forever. My ex only dated me for 6 weeks before I broke up with him and more than a year later he is still trying to get with me. My FWB has liked me for 2 years and counting. There are a bunch of other people but honestly, people like me forever. I'm always the one that got away. So yeah my bf pissed me off with that. If he keeps going in this jerky direction changes will be made. I adore him but I won't take being with him if he turns into a jerk because his dick won't work.

TL;DR: My parents think I'll never be good enough because I'm fat, even though their liquid fast is a total lie; I am climbing the walls because my boyfriend's dick stopped working; my FWB wants to do me and has the right equipment to do it and I can't touch him because I'm not a cheater; I have to fight ravenous hunger because I'm a girl and the red wedding is coming, but I've lost half a pound so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

XOXO,

Scarlet

Spring Back

Hola!

So by valentine's day morning I was down to 327.4, so down 2.6 lbs which I think is decent. I tried not to go crazy on valentines day, but I expected to go over my cals. My boyfriend was amazing, he bought me a rose and one of those reese's heart (the big one, I love reeses) along with a 4ft teddy bear and a sterling silver black and white diamond pendant. Then at night he took me to this  really nice italian restaurant. Oh gosh I love him so much. I didn't weigh yesterday because I felt like it might have ruined my mood if the number was too high. Contrary to popular belief, it is fully possible to learn from mistakes and I know from before that high numbers=sad scarlet=not caring. This time around is all about progress so I didn't weigh and I ate pretty conservatively. I had like a sandwich (170cals) and snacked on sugar free jello and light popcorn (200 max? popcorn is 35 cals a cup and the jello was maybe 20 or 50? if that?) until I made dinner which I tried to make an asian dish that just turned into shrimp and broccoli with rice and I didn't eat the rice really (300? 400?) definitely under 800 for the day. 

I made the choice to weigh in today because really what I ate for vday wasn't that bad and yesterdays food was really good, and any remaining calories should have been burned off by sex. I'm back to 327.4! :) so I only lost one day which makes me crazy happy, now I can just keep moving forward without any setbacks. 

Today I am going home for bible study with my parents. I'm not worried about food because as you may remember I accidentally gave my parents disordered habits. They are currently 45 days into a liquid fast. 45 out of 100. Yeah so no worries about food there, the only thing i have to worry about is feeling like a total weakling next to them. I chalk it up to fasting for me leads to binging and I have to actually study for school and stuff and they have nothing to do. I already ate lunch so I should be fine. I'm only at 400 cals exactly. I might pack some crystal light and that will last me until probably 9pm (it's 1:30 now). 

Comment answers!

Sam: Haha I have never been a breakfast person. I don't like waking up early (unless I have to for class) and by the time I get around to eating it is always noon or later so bfast doesn't exist for me lol

XOXO,

Scarlet ^_^

Change is Good

I feel amazing.

790 is the number for the day, and I just feel so damn good about it. I was running on 260 cals until about 8pm, when i had dinner. I didn't eat breakfast (always goes without saying, I love sleep way too much), and lunch was a turkey burger (no bread, just some mustard) and two cups of broccoli. For dinner I had a turkey sandwich, a gogurt, and a can of pineapple. So not bad I guess. I was going to go for only 500 cals today but I told my boyfriend and he tried to get me up to 1000 and I had a giant headache anyway so I just was like whatever.

Nothing much happened today, haven't talked to my friend yet and I'm all looking forward to tomorrow. VDAYYYYY <3 p="">
Happy Valentine's Day girls (and guys)

Scarlet
PS: Thanks for all the support!! :)

Triggered.

Hey there.

It's been a while, with good reason. I missed you guys like crazy, but I figured delving back into this world would lead me down those dark roads again. Staying away made me fat. Those days when I was eating too much under the guise of "making myself better." Fool. So now since I've ballooned up to heavier than I've ever been, I'm trying to lose weight. I was doing it healthy. Still. Trying. That. Bullshit. But it was working. EXTREMELY SLOWLY, but working(ish). Maybe 5 lbs, which is a breath on my giant fat ass.  There was a beautiful time when I was just under 200 lbs and hating myself. Now I am 330 and hating myself more. Yeah I know read that number back. That's about 100lbs in two years. FUCK. ME.

So anyways, surprisingly that was not my trigger. That blob in the mirror actually didn't make me want to stop eating. Mostly due to my amazing boyfriend. And my guy friend who keeps making out with me. Don't judge, I never said I was perfect, but I'll explain that part of my life later. No my trigger was my best friend. An off handed seemingly innocuous comment. "You look like you've gained weight since I last saw you." My roommate has a shit ton of pastries out, I'm not eating them and they are hers not mine, but when my bestie saw it "Whoa look at all these snacks, god is this your diet?" BOOM. The wind went out of my chest. I forced a smile as I explained the goods weren't mine. An uncomfortable giggle while I said I've lost some weight since she last saw me haha very fucking fun times. But inside my heart was twisting, I could almost feel physical pain. I was so angry but I said nothing. I smiled and put on a show, but inside I was dying. She left shortly after but the damage was done. I had already internally tabulated my food for the day. Fruit, tea, chicken, and a cake (yeah I know but it was small). 1500 cals if I over estimate? That should be good. Drop it to 500 tomorrow. I can do this. Before I knew it my brain had fully switched over. It was terrifying. I was that close to the edge for all this trying. I could've just been skinny by now. Damn.

So I get to be accountable again. Super counting calories. Yay. I'm not happy but it's better than the alternative. And thanks to bestie these thoughts aren't gonna go away so I might as well act on them.

As for life....My boyfriend is amazing. But he's not aggressive and I feel like a guy initiating things all the time. I thought maybe he just didn't want me, but I recently talked about breaking up and he almost cried telling me how much he loved me and just wanted to stay together and marry me one day. So, yeah. The problem is I like feeling like a girl and my friend reaaaaaaally likes me. But he's graduating this semester so it's not like we can get together (not that I would) so we decided to do that FWB thing. He's so aggressive and it feels so good to be wanted. Like without me bringing it up wanted. Just the fact that I am there type of wanted. When I make out with you and your dick is harder than the rock of gibraltar wanted. So that is why that is happening. I'm not sleeping with him and don't plan on it and have informed him of such so it's fine whatever, I'm not a poster girl role model.

So yay starving and triggers and boys and school stress and exams and bullshit. I promise to be happier next time, but honestly I did miss you guys.
XOXO