Wednesday, March 24, 2010

For Better Or Worse

I always wondered why the hell that was put into wedding vows. I mean, I knew why, but I didn't get how it could really seem that bad when you're with the one you love. But now, now I get it very clearly.
I was doing so well today you guys! Only 580 cals by 7pm. It was great. Then my dad wants to get some collard greens at this vegetarian place. It's heaven for a vegan, but total hell for me. So I said I wasn't going. He's all, I hate to eat alone, blah, blah, blah. I said no, so he's leaving without me. Then before he totally leaves he says magic words: I'll get you soy ice cream. That's still on your fast right?
Damn. Soy ice cream at this place has the consistency of soft serve yogurt, which means, yeah I could eat it. So I go. He doesn't even order greens. He gets this stir fry veggies dish with veggies and tofu and brown rice goodness. Then he gets the veggie noodle soup and a piece of cornbread. My strength was waivering quickly and fleeing me. I just sat there, eating the ice cream while he eats. Then he claims he doesn't like the soup, do I want it. I tasted the broth. I was soooo good. I figured I could just sip out the broth and leave the noodles. But what's this? He leaves the cornbread on the plate. Oh I don't want the cornbread, I say meekly. Don't eat it then he says. Before I know it everything is gone and I am splitting a lemon cake with him. My brain is screaming at me: what the hell are you doing!?! What about the fast!!! What about the people who are counting on you!!!!
I ignored it. That is, until I got to the car and the gravity of it hit me hard: I failed. I let food win. I'm a bitchass. Then I looked at the clock. If I could get home within twenty minutes I could purge it. My house is two blocks from the restaurant so I think I am homefree. Then my mom calls. And I love her so very very much and she works the night shift (not overnight) so she calls at her lunchbreak. I cut my dear mother short proclaiming I had to, ahem, use the bathroom. I sped into the house and put up the dire perishables (yeah we went grocery shopping, I bought a bunch of soup and such), I grabbed a seltzer water and I ran upstairs. I downed the fizzy water and purged like hell. I could tell what was coming up by the taste: salty and sweet, that must be the cake and the soup, then total sweet, which was the ice cream. I stopped after that, satisfied I'd reversed the damage. I know I said I wasn't gonna purge again, but gosh it's hard. So my one month streak is over. Hopefully it'll be worth it. The scale had better drop.
Man, it's a shame, I am a pretty, smart, witty, and lovable girl with a small part of her broken. I have to say I mostly blame my dad for today though. He had a slice of pizza earlier and I was ragging on him about it. He fires back that I had a gump (whatever the hell that is) of my mom's pizza a week ago so I'm just as bad. I proclaim I only ate one mushroom off of it (literally, I did) and he says it doesn't matter I still broke down. He doesn't mean it maliciously, he just doesn't know about my problems. He then goes on to lament about my other past food transgressions that were "worse" than his pizza. So yeah, I was feeling guilty all day even though I hadn't done anything. So when I did do something, I went overboard with the guilt factor and purged.
You know it's kinda funny that even if I got involved with someone (like SC) they would probably never know and they'd never guess it because I'm always upbeat and positive. Not exactly someone you would finger for having an ED.
No worries though, today is behind me and I will keep trekking on. I will fast tomorrow and all the other days until then. I will remember tonite and not want to repeat it. And when I say I'm not going in a damned restaurant, I'm not going in the restaurant. I will be strong and keep fighting.
M-ilie: aww thanks for the support babe, yeah when you're around people it is hard to fast (I should know). It would be awesome for you to start a blog!! You don't have to do anything special to have a good blog, just be honest and be yourself and it'll turn out great. Having a blog has motivated me more, I mean I'm more likely to complete things I plan when I tell you guys, or some sort of make up like a fasting day. Good luck!! <3
GTMS-Becca: yeah, I'm pretty sure adam would have a major fit if you did a long fast!! But thanks for being supportive!!
WannaBskinny: monday is great for you to jump in. I'm pretty sure we'll be able to motivate each other better because I'll defo be in the swing of things by then!
I will be so strong girls, but I'm just gonna do it and stop blabbing on about it so much. In the words of the tagline for the movie kick-ass says:
Shut up, kick ass!
PS: almost forgot I promised becca I would write some random things about me:
1) I am teaching myself to write with my left hand for the heck of it.
2)I have written two novels. Teen lit
3)When I was young I was obsessed with the spice girls
4)I am addicted to marshmallows and avoid them at all costs!!!!
5) On my birthdays I wind up eating about a half of the cake!
6) I have regular dreams of making out with whoever I am crushing on (rite now sleep is VERY nice)
7) I tell my dog all of my secrets!
8) I am obsessed with Japan!!!
9) I will go to school unless I am unable to move.
10) My little cousin (he's ten) has a crush on me and I pretend I don't notice!
Okay ten very random things about me!!! <3


  1. Joy to the world. I like the 10 random things. Good job, I'm proud of you for being like, "restaraunts no, never. That is HELL in my eyes so I'm just guna stay out side and watch you burn up in fatness." Ice cream is like, WTF screw your delicious temptations. Gosh. It's okay, we still love you, even though your sad you ate we all fuck up.

  2. I loved the ten random things!! I love knowing random facts about makes me feel like I know you better...

    I laughed when you said you go to school unless you;re unable to move- I skip it if I have ANY excuse not to go!

  3. aww well I forgive you about the purging .. i wouldn't be able to keep it in either .. to much guilt! that's why i don't binge .. i'm eating noodles right now .. yum yum noodles.. do you know those? i'm confused about the calorie count? is it possible there are onloy about 60kal in it!?