Scared

I decided to end my fast this morning instead of tonight. I've been noticing it gets increasingly difficult to keep fasting (or to restart fasting) as the days wear on. Sooo, yeah, not going to do that five day a week fasting. Now I don't know what to do though!!! I want to restrict, but I kind of suck at it. I think I'm going to sit down and plan wth I'm going to do: I must automate myself! So I'm going to inventory my house and decide what to eat everyday. And then I'm getting some money soon via my parent's tax return (woo!) So I'll buy healthy food. But I'm so scared. I see all of these other people losing weight while eating a TON of stuff! Like seriously I read these diet books (some of which don't require exercise!!) And people lose like two pounds a week! (Well, honestly I could do that too but I'm impaitient) wait, I have a question for you guys: should I just calm down and aim for 2-3 pounds a week? Stop going for like 5-7 and then binging myself crazy, gain half of it back and then spend the next week losing that, which still puts me at 2-3 pounds a week? Actually, after seeing it written out like that I have no idea why I'm asking when the answer is OBVIOUS! I mean, the second way is more entertaining, but I get the distinct feeling that I don't need a ton of drama in my life right now.
So this weekend I plan my automated plan and monday I weigh in.
On the personal life front: SM is back. For now anyway. SM is that guy I said I had a crush on when I was 14 (and 15 for that matter) and was ten years older than me. The one that's (still!) Dating my ex-bff (she hates me now, no idea why though).
So you guys know I turn eighteen in november, but apparently SM has been keeping track because he popped up like fuckin' toast yesterday. Let me explain: SM and I used to be so close. Lunch everyday four times a week for a whole semester and we had two classes together, and even after he went to a new school, he would come around the old school occasionally (it was a college) and I would have a knack for running into him. He thought I was awesome and wished he could find a girl like me, and well, I just wanted him. But then things got weird about a year after he left. LT (the gf) blocked me from her myspace. We used to be close too, but not as close as me and SM. Anyway, she blocked me, so I deleted her, and SM became a freaking ghost man. I would comment on his page and all I got was military silence. I would get pissed and not talk to him, but then he would do something random like wish me happy birthday. or ask me how I'm doing like four months after I'd messaged him. It was strange. Later we became friends on FB (he didn't accept the friend request for like two months! But he didn't just say ignore??) And then silence. Then he pops up and is suddenly asking me what I'm up to and talking. I'm just like wtf?!? He's still with LT and they're still very together so I have no idea what's going on. If he asks me out after I turn eighteen I think I will ptfo. Because well, I'd be kinda romantic that he was waiting four years to ask me out. But whatever. Its not like I'm forgetting about who I like (SC) just because SM is coming around. Que sera, sera: whatever will be, will be.
Speaking of SC, I really miss him. It's been idk, 9 days since I've seen him and I just can't wait to see him on tuesday. I mean, I really want to like talk to him and stuff (which I can totally do after class because unlike A, who zooms outta class, SC actually takes forever to put his stuff up).
Also, my parents and I went out yesterday to that vietnamese restaurant and they got seafood noodle soup. I could've gotten a soup. Even veggie soup. No one would've said a word. But I didn't. I got a smoothie, a yogurt, and a grape juice. Yay!! Just wanted to share that. I know this is an all over the place post, but my life has been all over the place!!! Haha.
Comments!
Jen: we are wayyy too much alike. Seriously. <3
FadingStrong: trust me, the love of feeling hungry comes back easily! Sometimes I think it seduces us. Haha. We will deff do this together!
XOXO,
Scarlet <3