Monday, April 19, 2010

Make Me Wanna Die (not a depressing post)

I just love that song by the Pretty Reckless. The lyrics speak to me:
"Take me, I'm alive, never was a girl with a wicked mind, but everything is better in the moonlight...your eyes, your eyes, I can see it in your eyes, your eyes, you make me wanna die, I'll never be good enough, you make me wanna die, and I can see it in your eyes, you make me wanna die" look it up on youtube or something, it's amazing.
My life has been so sos hectic lately. The closer I get to finals the more stressed I get. And then I've got my dad wanting to hit every restaurant in town. God, I wish this week would just be over!!!! He's celebrated this past weekend, he's gonna celebrate on wednesday (his bday) and he's going to celebrate on this coming weekend. All I can do is attempt to starve this week just so I won't gain anything!! Yesterday I did ok, I sacrificed chinese food to go see Kick-Ass, which was btw, kick ass! I was so happy because apart from the fact that I totally wanted to see the movie, you shoulda seen those containers of food. I was like holy shit all that for ten bucks each??? They got egg rolls, crab ragoon, kung pao shrimp, seafood combination fried rice, I mean the works. Me? I took granola bars(720cals, yeah I know, not the best thing ever), gum, and oj to the movie. Then I had a small bowl of rice with some of my dad's kungpao shrimp on top. But he's stingy so I know you can picture my dinner. That was okay, no purging, just happiness. Today? Not so much. Mia ran me over like a mack truck. I went to school, didn't have any plans on eating anything because I miss the emptiness I used to have. I never hear my stomach growl or constrict anymore, it's always having something tossed down there. Anyway, then I went to buy my dad a bday card at walgreens. Lo and behold they still have unsold easter candy sitting up there, 75 percent off. I buy a 210 cal starburst jelly beans egg. Oh yayers. Then I figure that can be it for the day. I get home and the house smells like fucking chinese food. My dad cooked his leftovers. Shit. And then gave half to my mom and none to me because I had some yesterday. Should've gone upstairs to my room and studied or something, but I cooked rice with mushrooms and lettuce. No oil, just salt and pepper. Healthy? Oh yeah! But still, no emptiness. So I purged it. I had to stop 3/4 of the way through to see my mom out the door to work. Didn't feel like going back so I popped three laxies and a diuretic. Like I said, mia ran me over with a mack truck. It's okay though I'll live. Just gotta keep fighting through it all. Refuse reduce restrict refuse reduce restrict. That is my new mantra. I read it on a blog like a year ago, but it really means something to me now. Because this is lame. If I'm not starving I'm purging, if I'm not purging I'm eating, and if I'm not eating I'm studying or daydreaming. Blah.
All I gotta do is last the best I can until may 6 at 12:30pm, when my last final is over. Then I won't have to eat a damned thing until august and can be as empty as I wanna be. I gotta make this week and next week work for me because I have to eat during finals week. It's a fact. I need my brain to fire on every cylinder it's got. So this week: starve as much as possible and eat as healthily as possible with the parents. Next week: starve your ass off! No excuses!
Gotta still lose those ten pounds by any means necessary!
Skinnybusiness: I know! Who eats at one am??? Damn just go to sleep! Lol. I should totally get back to working out, I'm being so lazy! Hahaha.The memory you have about R is sweet, it's hard to let stuff like that go.<3
Jen: ah don't cry for me argentina!!!! (Kidding, making fun of evita) :) I totally love you too babe and I am super excited!!!! I'm trying to get that controllageness, gotta keep working at it so I can be like you! <3<3
Ariana: hahahahaha, yes I think everyone should say it like that target is freakin couture! Lol. Thanks for the luck, I'll need it! Lol :)
Ana-Me: I know exactly what you mean, sometimes we don't think we're making progress but when you look back you see how far you've come! And I am always happy to make people smile :)
M-ilie: ah thanks for believing in me babe. Ten pounds, ten pounds! Lol. SC is from glasgow, and he went to the jordanhill secondary school. No idea where that is exactly (except it's in scotland, lol) but yeah that's where he's from! <3
Off to starve and study!


  1. welldone on how you are handling things. you aren't out of control, you are very much in control hun, and it makes me happy. i'm just amazed that the fact that you ate such little candy. i would not have been able to stop at one. it is all or nothing for me.
    i understand the stress you're going through, mine are in exactly 4 weeks. i also must eat lots during those few weeks of eaminations. i can't afford to fail, no way!
    okay, i think i'm babbling on now, so i will stop. hope you're having a good week. :)x

  2. Thanks haha, yeah im not from scotland but my mum is so i guess i have "scottish roots" haha, well done on avoiding the chinese food, and dont worry about yesterday at least you got it up, though i wouldnt want to make a habit of this, your the same as me i only do it in exrtreme circumstances, good luck x

  3. Hahaha, Kick ass at the same time with stupid food. See I rereadthis because last time I had a whole comment wrote and as you know enter stage left was my dad. I like your joke btw and you acctualy may be right that I had the virus today and yesterday but the pills definatly were bad on my empty stomache. And yes, sweet sweet memories. To bad they kinda suck.