Sunday, April 25, 2010

Vampire Weekend

This weekend sucked the life from me. Entirely.
Thursday night there was a run in with cookies (idk if I forgot to tell y'all). Meh, okay whatever, minor slip.
Friday I had a sandwhich wrap (vegan, ho hum okay) and a square of cornbread and trail mix (ummm...) But I figured that was okay as long as nothing else crossed my lips. But something did. Something big: a BK big fish with small french fries. I experienced an odd phenomenon too: I actually felt guilty and out of body while eating th sandwhich. Normally I only feel guilty AFTERWARDS, but during I kinda enjoy the hell outta it. But this time I not only felt guilty, I felt like I was watching myself in a movie. Like I was detaching myself from this traumatic experience. I did try to purge it when I got home, but apparently burger king is all fast digesting refined carbs and hardly anything came up.
Saturday (yesterday), I lived on smoothie pretty much the whole day. I was planning on going to this event at my school (a story about it is coming) and I wanted to look good so I didn't eat. But then when my parents picked me up, they regaled me with stories of this "amazing" thai restaurant they went to. Then I was hungry. Fast forward to grocery store, where I buy a sandwhich wrap, a drink, and a demi baguette. I kid you not a half of a full size baguette. But what killed me, apart from the fact that I ate it, was that I wasn't even gonna get it. I was on the fence about because I care about losing weight. My dad is all "what, I don't care, and if you're worried about what your mom is gonna say she had noodles." That is what he said. Keep this in the very front of your brain. So I buy it. I get to the car and I am behind my mom so she can't actually see me eating. I am munching the bread, and then my dad turns in his seat looks at me, and says: "why did you get bread? I thought you didn't eat bread." My brain was screaming a million things: holy shit throw the bread out the window, purge right now, slap him in the face, cower in shame! A zillion salesmen trying to sell me their products. But the one that really got me: what a fucking asshole. I actually mumured "asshole" as I took a bite of bread so he didn't hear it. But I sure as hell said it. Then I pounced on him.
"What are you talking about. I asked you about it in the store, you said it was fine, what are you trying to do? Why are are you trying to act like you didn't know? Are you trying to expose me or something?" My first love in life is arguing. He looked so taken aback, and my mom gave him a dirty look.
"That's a really fucked up thing to do, mydad'sname." Idk if I told you guys, but cursing is an integral part of my parents' grammar. They aren't ignorant, but they can string curse words into a conversation so smoothly you couldn't imagine the sentence without them. They are pretty cool.
My dad was scrambling "oh I thought it was something else"
"How when I told you it was a demi baguette, I mean, you have bought one before" BURN!
So I got him to apologize. And then we got home and I had like two tablespoons of ice cream and lemon wafers. Kill me now, please.
Idk if this weekend is even really over because we're going to church today. And there's normally food involved. God, help me.
But, I will fix this. This is the last week I can starve and then I have to eat for finals week. But this week I shall starve heavily and pump myself clean with laxis and enemas(ooh, tmi!!!!). Must get to single digit 200s. I don't care how.
But to keep this from being a downer post, here's the little anecdote I saved for you guys:
So yesterday I went to this event my school planned, which was a free show by mike birbiglia. I mean it was orignally going to be aziz ansari, but he dumped us for the mtv video awards. I wanted to go with SC so I messaged him on facebook, saying I'd decided to go to that show tonight and is he still going. And he didn't respond. I was like whaaat?? He always responds! Did A or MF get to him? I was so sad. I think that's part of the reason being smart about food went out the fucking window. But when I got home I checked my facebook. For some reason, I didn't get a notification when SC messaged me. He wrote me back at like 7pm. The show was at 8 so I think I'd stopped checking by that time. So he didn't ignore me, at all. Infact, he was highly apologetic. He was saying how he was sorry he had only gotten my message that late, he was learning to be a lifeguard! And that he wasn't gonna be able to make it because he had to work until ten, but he said for me to have fun. And I was like: excuse me, did he just give me an reason why? When I didn't ask for one, when I wasn't even angry (okay as far as he knew), when it wasn't like we'd planned to go together?????? I was shocked. He seriously did not want me angry at him. Didn't want me to think he'd ignored me. Yowza and yay! I teased him when I wrote him back, talking about how he's going to save my life this summer cause I can't swim. Lol.
So happy ending to the post. Wasn't it all so exciting? That is my life, food drama, boy drama, regular drama, and everything in between! Hahaha.
Z.: thank you!!!! Haha, I work so hard, on both sides!
Charlie: omg babe you're awesome, they were pretty upset, lol.
Victoriacrimson: haha, I know!! They do stuff and then get surprised when something they didn't want to happen, happens!
Skinnybusiness: that is exactly what is going on!!!!! Hahaha! Yeah a chopstick. It was plastic at least, though it still kinda hurt...I wasn't that great at it back then!
Jen: omg his face was priceless. PRICELESS. Really? I find toothbrushes easier. I can never hit it with my fingers. Also I'm really finicky, I would wash my hands between every upchuck! Purging would take a really long time! Lol. I will totally keep talking to him...I am really close, I can feel it! I remember that too!!! I was thinking yesterday about wayy before we became lab partners SC had sat next to me in class and I remember thinking he was cute and his accent was hot, but the main thing I noticed was that he took notes with his right hand but highlighted with his left. I called him highlighter boy with the hard to place accent, lol.
M-ilie: it was so so great. I wish I'd had a camera!!!!! It was like wait, wait, don't move!!! Hahahaha. Thanks a lot babe!!!!
PS: will read blogs today, very soon!!!!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile


  1. Ugh. Scarlet, we love you and you inspire us so don't slip up and eat so fucking much. I wanted to puke. Half a bauget. This is possibly because I am haveing a day where anything food related makes me gag, even just the thought. Yay about SC. Just remember he won't want you if you don't get skinny.

  2. Oh dont worry, one slip up is not the end of the world, we all do it, and i know you will get back on track, you have a much better self control than me, you hardly ever slip up but i seem to every day! Good Luck :D x

  3. dude i think he likes you :)

    i'm liquid fasting this week, maybe we can do it together?

    stay strong love


  4. Thanks for blogging. It helps so much to know that no matter what you go through in life you aren't isolated, alone, unrelatable and unforgiven. I love pro-ana sites. I am new to putting a name to any of this. It means so much to me to now that whatever it is, we're in it together. Its so important. If I'm gonna be out on that edge, I feel like I won't fall off because I'm not the only one there. Thank you.

    I'll be liquid fasting the next two days too. And 3 days next week. And if I'm lucky, a full week after that.